navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #4 » I break (my 500th post)
Teen Poetry #4
Post A Reply Post New Topic I break (my 500th post) Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
banburycross
Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946
viginia

0 posted 2001-05-06 04:43 PM


I built the caste of your dreams,
my aching hands are caked with blood,
foundation made of willful brick,
is made to stand against the flood.

My lifeblood stains the mortar mix,
to add to stone my steadfast will.
When earthquakes shake defiant walls,
my spirit holds the structure still.

Now thunder tumbles through the sky,
the darkened heavens groan and strain,
a shiver ripples through my nerves,
i feel a tiny drop of rain.

My work for you was not enough.
I must have missed a tiny crack.
I wedge myself against the roof,
and put the weight upon my back.

My fragile thoughts are ripped away.
I pay for plentiful mistakes.
My tears cannot delay my fate.
My tired back gives out and breaks.

My strength i could not make to last,
i shatter on the jagged past.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

[This message has been edited by banburycross (edited 05-06-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 Peter - All Rights Reserved
Isabel Galaxia
Senior Member
since 2000-06-18
Posts 733

1 posted 2001-05-06 04:51 PM


Wow, this is great.  I'm quite impressed.  I love the imagry here....wow... this is great

Bel

Fading Away
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia
2 posted 2001-05-06 04:59 PM


The images you've portrayed here are simply beautiful.  I can't say enough about this poem.. the flow is perfect and the rhyme scheme is excellent.. I loved it.  It's another one that's going right into my library.  You've got so much talent, and I'm glad that you're sharing that with us.  
Awesome work, love.
Oh, and congrats on 500  

--Marie

Don't ever be someone's slogan, because you are poetry.

Marshalzu
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681
Lurking
3 posted 2001-05-06 05:16 PM


Wow... great poem... I can't really say anymore than Marie has except maybe to congratulate you on your 500th post  
<<<_Zu_>>>

Allan Riverwood
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502
Winnipeg
4 posted 2001-05-06 05:51 PM


This is simply excellent work, Peter!  The Iambic Tetrameter was so well done, you just drew me right in!  And the imagery were just... oh man, just stupendous!  
Awesome work, it's going into my personal library!
And congrats on the 500!
~Allan

Peter, peter
king of meter
So entrancing
to the reader!
Bound to someday
be our leader
Hail the King!
but call him Peter!

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day.  Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.  
~Unknown

JBaker515
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member
since 2001-02-28
Posts 458
Dartmouth College
5 posted 2001-05-06 07:57 PM


Peter..
this was gorgeously written..i loved it!!
You have a lot of talent!!, and it is a pleasure to read all the time!!

And allan...that was a cute little rythme of your own there my good friend!! I'm sure Pete will love it!! LOL

~ Jeff ~  :)

"If I'm not back in 5 minutes......just wait longer!"

"You may take our lives, but you'll never take our FREEDOM!!"

lonely*soul
Member
since 2001-04-05
Posts 396
east haddam (moodus) ct :)
6 posted 2001-05-07 08:15 PM


this was beautifly written  and the images...just wow..im luving it!
          *KiMMiE*

AngelPoet87
Member
since 2001-04-21
Posts 280
Indy
7 posted 2001-05-07 08:55 PM


This was ABSOLUTLY AMAZING!!!! I am sooo impressed, I love this one, its so awesome. I can't praise you enough on this piece, bravo!
anonymous albert ?
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979

8 posted 2001-05-07 11:04 PM


awesome poem...
one of my fav's by you..and congratson your 500!!!...and this poem as i said was just amazingly awesome..keep writing

...?

if i die before i wake , i pray the lord my soul will take-"when thugs cry"

Hacas
Junior Member
since 2001-05-05
Posts 25

9 posted 2001-05-08 12:48 PM


This was awesome..WOW! Great work!

"Fight for what you believe in"
"Stay yourself no matter what people say"

Linc
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2001-03-07
Posts 552
The Backstreet Boy
10 posted 2001-05-08 01:29 PM


Hey,

Now you know after your nice comment on my poem I had to come and reply to yours J thanks for the comment by the way. You have only been here for a while and you already have made 500 + It says a lot that you don’t only reply to the people who reply to your poems. I have watched your poems closely and I think all of the ones I have read are in my library. I have noticed you have grown as a poet and your poems are becoming better and better, you have gone from being great to superb to beyond that you are one of my favorite poets write up there with Allan, Dopey, Fading, Poet on Acid, and everyone else who knows who they are (cause there area lot) I hope you continue to share your masterpieces with me and the rest of the netpoets. Until your next masterpiece (this is long)

                                  -- Linc

"Once you reach your original goal it seems that the journey was your real accomplishment."

vixengrl04
Member
since 2001-04-26
Posts 495
East Haddam, CT
11 posted 2001-05-08 05:03 PM


ooooooohh!! This is definitely one for a 500th post, because its great!! I like this mucho.  

~*Nikki*~

~*Of all the millions of people in the world, I'm just me.*~

mistic
Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 233
Idaho, U.S.A.
12 posted 2001-05-08 07:02 PM


Awesome imagery! I love it! I love the way you set it up. Keep on writing.
Acies
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665
Twilight Zone
13 posted 2001-05-11 11:50 AM


You have shown us such images on this one.  great write and congratulations on your 500th post

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee."  W.S.

broken wing
Junior Member
since 2001-04-30
Posts 37

14 posted 2001-05-11 12:22 PM


simply amazing. i enjoyed this very much.
just so you know, your the first to enter my library
broken

"The sun in your eyes made some of the lies worth believing."


Lakewalker
Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289
On the streets w/ people
15 posted 2001-05-11 12:53 PM


Good job on the poem and congrats on 500...well...600 now

"Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle" Plato.

Dopey Dope
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico
16 posted 2001-05-16 01:18 AM


Very well done on this one Ban!! Wow, i really liked it. The flow was great. I enjoyed this poem greatly!
Good to see you become a senior member!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

anonymous albert ?
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979

17 posted 2001-05-26 03:40 AM


*bump*...page one

this was  aamazing poem...everything was just wonderful...

ahhhhh....i'm addicted to passions in poetry!!!!!

kaile
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Ascendant
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146
singapore
18 posted 2001-05-26 07:12 AM


albert...i like the way you bump poems

banburycross,

im not saying this because this was your 500th post...i liked the way how you introduced your back and its inadequacy into the poem and the last two lines were the clicher for me....

well done....and i guess i await your 1000th post!!

LoveBug
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697

19 posted 2001-05-26 09:03 AM


This is such a beautiful and well-written piece. The imagery, the metaphors are all perfectly done. And, as Allan said, you ARE the king of meter. Congrats on 500, and I can't wait until we get to see another beautiful piece to celebrate your 1000th post!

"Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli

DancinQueen
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2000-07-29
Posts 1092
Kokomo,IN,USA
20 posted 2001-05-27 02:40 AM


this rocked!! AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME..take a bow. i loved this..soo much emotion and all went together perfectly. cant wait to read more by you  

*dq

**You can't always trust the people you want to**

thedarkangel
Member
since 2001-05-12
Posts 74
~*~the cutest~*~
21 posted 2001-05-28 04:46 PM


that was absoloutly fantastic!!!!i loved all of it! great 500th post!!well done and congrats!
love, peace and eyeliner
angel
-x-

tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial for what it's worth it was worth all the while - Green Day

branden726
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2000-09-25
Posts 607
Bay City, MI
22 posted 2001-05-28 05:03 PM


Hey This is a very good poem nicley written
Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #4 » I break (my 500th post)

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary