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AngelPoet87
Member

since 2001-04-21

Posts 280
Indy

0 posted 2001-04-24 10:10 PM

Hey, this one is over a year old, I know its really choppy and flows terribly but I thought I might as well post it anyway.

Another stormy night spent curled up in a dark corner,
silent as the seconds go by, depressed, heart of a mourner.
Your souls not in place, searching for what went wrong,
waiting for the end of your tale, the end of your song.
Sifting through the ashes of memories long since forgotten,
recalling a lost love for so long you had saughten.
Searching for the omniecsent, omnipowerful and omnipotent love,
Tired of the everyday game of push-and shove.
Your drowning in the silence, yet unbroken,
cold and trimbling, in regrets you are soaken.
Constantly regretting the risks untaken,
losing your sanity as your hearts being shaken.
Searching for the magic of life so long lost,
ignoring the world, making your loved ones pay the cost.
Starring oppurtunity in the face, but frozen by fear,
sitting, wondering, unable to shed that single tear.
But you pray for the strength to avoid the place of burn,
keep in mind, the tables of time will soon turn.

2Good
+2Be
------
4Gotten

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

1 posted 2001-04-24 11:25 PM

The basic idea of the poem was great and the ending thought was rockin'. I'll have to comment on the choppiness of the flow....some verses have more syllables than others.
anyhow, nicely done.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

anonymous albert ?

Member Elite

since 2001-03-23

Posts 2979

2 posted 2001-04-25 01:36 AM

i value the meaning more then anything else
and the meaning in this poem was jus great.
i enjoyed it much..thanks 4 sharing and keep wrting

...?

death is not the greatest loss in life. the greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. -norman cousins

Godsend_1
Member

since 2001-04-19

Posts 247
great state of illinois

3 posted 2001-04-25 01:43 AM

i really liked it alot there was a bit of a flow prob but it was still really god i enjoyed it a ton thank you
ben redsaw the great

i am what i am and that is all that i am and all that i shall ever be......so deal with it

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

4 posted 2001-04-25 05:35 PM

Hmm... I guess you are aware that this didn't flow very well, but I read it not rhythmically but rather blandly in my mind. It works well with the poem merely for the fact that there are sentiments in it, I thought of it really more as prose that was improved with the presence of rhyme.

~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
~Unknown

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

5 posted 2001-04-25 07:39 PM

Just as everyone said, the flow was off because of the vast differences in syllables.. maybe that's worth a revision.
Thanks for sharing!

--Marie

subconsciously, i think i can eat so much to make my stomach hurt, instead of my heart.

AngelPoet87
Member

since 2001-04-21

Posts 280
Indy

6 posted 2001-04-25 09:55 PM

Thanks everyone. Lol, I wrote this one before I learned the ropes of poetry, but never thought about revising it for some reason. Maybe I'll look into that, thanks again.

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