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Passions in Poetry

Twilight's Serenade

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Acies
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Twilight Zone


0 posted 04-22-2001 05:46 PM       View Profile for Acies   Email Acies   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Acies

Hope you don't get disappointed by this one


Twilight's Serenade

Serenaded by stars thru peaceful twilight
In dreams alone you dance
upon moonlit clouds
What moment set amidst this,
a tranquil night
A Flower’s bow…
‘Tis a gracious ovation endowed

Elegance kept in this gentle prance
Sways a subtle waltz adrift
an emulous crescent-light
Amongst the skies gliding,
leaving a hypnotic trance
A  terpsichorean born...
Oh, what heavenly beauty in sight

This  ambience set by such radiant charm
A gracious smile donned,
curing a lover’s pride
Paramount guise in painting
bestowing an ivory sight
Truly an angel…
My immaculate rose of eventide



"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee."  W.S.


[This message has been edited by acire (edited 09-27-2001).]

[This message has been edited by acire (07-26-2002 11:36 AM).]

© Copyright 2001 acire - All Rights Reserved
Isabel Galaxia
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1 posted 04-22-2001 05:50 PM       View Profile for Isabel Galaxia   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Isabel Galaxia

Wow!  That's amazing, of course I'm not dissapointed.  Good job  
Bel
Nan
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2 posted 04-22-2001 05:59 PM       View Profile for Nan   Email Nan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nan's Home Page   View IP for Nan

Nope - Not disappointed at all.. This is wonderfully romantic... A fine literary piece it is indeed...
lonely*soul
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east haddam (moodus) ct :)


3 posted 04-22-2001 06:00 PM       View Profile for lonely*soul   Email lonely*soul   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for lonely*soul

not dissapointed in the least bit...i liked it!!!  good job hun

           *KiM*

"i once asked my daddy, daddy, are we going to the moon, and he said, we cant get to the moon from where we are" ~ME (hehe this actully happened to me

Linc
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The Backstreet Boy


4 posted 04-22-2001 06:02 PM       View Profile for Linc   Email Linc   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Linc

Hey,

      *Hyperventalates* Oh my god I am reading a poem by Acire! *calms down* Okay I can hanndle this...This is a superb poem. I loved it, your a superb poet  hope I dont have to wait so long for your next poem *hint hint*   until your next poem

              -- Linc

"Once you reach your original goal it seems that the journey was your real accomplishment."

DancinQueen
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5 posted 04-22-2001 06:08 PM       View Profile for DancinQueen   Email DancinQueen   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for DancinQueen

So this is it huh?   Beautiful..I wish I could write like that. I LOVED it...did u catch that? L-O-V-E-D it   Keep writing FOR YOU mmk?? talk to you later babe

*dq

-=We often get hurt when we trust someone we want them to be instead of who they really are=-

Sabriel.s.h.lover
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b.f.e. aka- Hickville


6 posted 04-22-2001 07:10 PM       View Profile for Sabriel.s.h.lover   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sabriel.s.h.lover

This was good. I wasn't disapointed t all. Nice job, keep it up.
~Sabriel
Poet deVine
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Hurricane Alley


7 posted 04-22-2001 07:13 PM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

This is lovely acire. Even though you say you are in a writer's block, you wrote something lilting and entrancing. Good job!!    
sweetstuff101
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8 posted 04-22-2001 07:41 PM       View Profile for sweetstuff101   Email sweetstuff101   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit sweetstuff101's Home Page   View IP for sweetstuff101

that was AMAZZZZZZZZZZING!!! I luv it! Keep up the awesome work, k??

Luv Always,  
  Priscilla

SuMdAy U'll CrY 4 mE bUt I wOn'T cRy 4 U, sUmDaY U'll MiSs Me LiKe I MiSsD U, SuMdAy Ull nEeD mE LiKe I nEeDed U, sUmDaY U'll lUv Me BuT I wOn'T LuV U

Suga_Baby
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9 posted 04-22-2001 07:52 PM       View Profile for Suga_Baby   Email Suga_Baby   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Suga_Baby

Ooooooh.... I love love LOVE this! It's so be-OOO-tee-ful!  
Child of the Stars
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10 posted 04-22-2001 07:53 PM       View Profile for Child of the Stars   Email Child of the Stars   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Child of the Stars

  Go acire!!!!!!! WAHOO!!!!!!!! You know I love everything you write....its so enchanting....You've got a great mind, my friend. Great job bob.
  
  ~Carly

There is pleasure in poetic pains which only poets know......~Unknown

[This message has been edited by Child of the Stars (edited 04-22-2001).]

Tamma
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11 posted 04-22-2001 10:01 PM       View Profile for Tamma   Email Tamma   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Tamma

AWSOME acire!!!
loved it sweetie  

Those girls on TV don't know that being
36-24-36 doesn't mean a thing unless
you got the face to back it up

Alwye
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In the space between moments


12 posted 04-22-2001 10:02 PM       View Profile for Alwye   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alwye

"This  ambience set by such radiant charm
A gracious smile donned,
curing a lover’s pride
Paramount guise in painting
bestowing an ivory sight
Truly an angel…
My immaculate rose of eventide"~ Yep, anyone who uses the word ambience is definitely awesome   Incredible poetry, such rich, beautiful words....you have remarkable talent my friend.  

*Krista Knutson*

"We can all become what we aspire to be
If Heaven's here on Earth..." ~Tracy Chapman

Low Man's Lyric
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since 04-03-2001
Posts 1124
In a dream


13 posted 04-22-2001 10:28 PM       View Profile for Low Man's Lyric   Email Low Man's Lyric   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Low Man's Lyric's Home Page   View IP for Low Man's Lyric

Wow, I really liked this one from you, thats all I can say...wow.

Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says "For the woman I love" and the second, "For my best friend."  
~Anonymous

Kit McCallum
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14 posted 04-22-2001 10:50 PM       View Profile for Kit McCallum   Email Kit McCallum   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kit McCallum

Acire ... it's sooooo wonderful to read you again!   What a beautiful flow to this lovely poem. You've set a magical and tranquil mood in this piece, excellent writing my friend ... truly a joy to read aloud.  

Best wishes,
/Kit
Acies
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Twilight Zone


15 posted 04-22-2001 11:32 PM       View Profile for Acies   Email Acies   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Acies

Thanks all of you, that's really nice.

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee."  W.S.

Dopey Dope
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16 posted 04-23-2001 12:32 AM       View Profile for Dopey Dope   Email Dopey Dope   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dopey Dope

*squints his eyes.....realizes he's replying and unsquints them*

yea....that was great. If only I could have understood what it said haha!!
Took a while to read, but it was good!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Severn
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17 posted 04-23-2001 09:55 AM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

Rude?
I get to be rude?

YAY!
Breaking out of polite mode....

heh

warning - this rambles...

nice word usage here...perhaps you could leave out 'terpsichorean' - although a cool word it's not very accessible is it?

I know references to myths are always nice...and sometimes work really really well (now that I know it has something to do with a myth heh) but I think that unless it's made really clear it can just confound.

Hmm..I'd recommend spelling 'thru' as 'through' - such a nicely constructed poem deserves 'proper' spelling methinks..

Now the main problem I see in this Acies (heh) is your use of cliche. 'Moonlit clouds', 'tranquil night' even the word 'angel'...

Cliches and K don't mix heh...

I love crescent-light..that is really good..

Also I think there are too many adjectives.
For instance - in the first line instead of 'peaceful twilight' you could just have 'twilight'...the poem itself speaks of tranquility and peace...

no need to use the actual words - by omitting them the reader gets to find the images themselves...

A 'flower's bow' is really nice...and:

'‘Tis a gracious ovation endowed'

Here, I'd cut out the "'Tis" ..

'Elegance kept in this gentle prance' - do you think this really needs the 'this'? Say it aloud...

Now, back to adjectives...

I think if you dropped a few - some of the really wonderful ones would stand out more...
it really is overloaded  

So, for example - your last line:

'My immaculate rose of eventide'

would just have more impact if your last verse read something like this:

An ambience set by radiant charm
a smile donned,
curing a lover’s pride.
Paramount guise in painting
lending an ivory sight,
my immaculate rose of eventide

the tone is just a little less flamboyant...and almost easier on the eye (ear?)

I think it is quite a nice last line...

Right...punctuation.

What are you doing with it?
You have three nicely laid out verses...a couple of commas, a few ellipses and then no periods...and lots of lines starting with initial caps seemingly in a random order.

I'd suggest shoving in a few periods and fitting your initial caps in with those (like I did in the example above)

Ok...this is it..rambling..sorry..I'm tired but you know that lol...

one hopefully not-rude crit for Acies...

K
Acies
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Twilight Zone


18 posted 04-23-2001 10:03 AM       View Profile for Acies   Email Acies   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Acies

not rude at all Kamie, remember, I asked you to tear it apart.  thanks   you the best

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee."  W.S.

Godsend_1
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19 posted 04-23-2001 10:15 AM       View Profile for Godsend_1   Email Godsend_1   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Godsend_1

ok ummm wow would be an awesome word to use here you have an incredible talent hun *does the acire is an awesome poet dance* i cant wait to read more of your poems hun i loved this one thnax for letting me read it

ben

i am what i am and that is all that i am and all that i shall ever be......so deal with it

Allan Riverwood
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20 posted 04-23-2001 10:17 AM       View Profile for Allan Riverwood   Email Allan Riverwood   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allan Riverwood

What can I say?  The trout's got talent.      Great poem, but I do agree with K on most counts.  Personally, I didn't think you had too many adjectives...

[This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (edited 04-23-2001).]

Fading Away
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21 posted 04-23-2001 11:20 AM       View Profile for Fading Away   Email Fading Away   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Fading Away

This is beautiful, acire.  Tuly a beautiful piece!  I'm very impressed... This is going in my library!
Nicely done!

--Marie

subconsciously, i think i can eat so much to make my stomach hurt, instead of my heart.

Acies
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Twilight Zone


22 posted 04-23-2001 01:34 PM       View Profile for Acies   Email Acies   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Acies

Ok, why all the adjectives?

The poem is about describing how beautiful this girl is and describing the way she dances.  That's why  

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee."  W.S.

anonymous albert ?
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23 posted 04-23-2001 04:09 PM       View Profile for anonymous albert ?   Email anonymous albert ?   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for anonymous albert ?

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!
this is my first time seein a poem from u
i'm glad someone brought this up...
beautiful poem...
i jus wish u would post more poems avaible..
welll..this was jus awesome..
i enjoyed it lots..
until next time
and acire write jus WRITE.. hehe..byee

...?

death is not the greatest loss in life. the greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. -norman cousins

LoveBug
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24 posted 04-23-2001 05:22 PM       View Profile for LoveBug   Email LoveBug   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LoveBug

Here I am, late!  

Well, this is a beautiful piece. The flow is very good and your descriptions and word usage are extremely impressive. You depict everything beautifully, and nothing you write is a disappointment! Thanks for sharing.


"Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli
Blame Canada!

 
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