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Passions in Poetry

purple flowers

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cherish
Member Ascendant
since 03-25-2001
[First Post] 6045
swimming in fairy floss.......


0 posted 04-18-2001 02:25 AM       View Profile for cherish   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for cherish

this is my first poem in here. i know it dosne compare to what sum of you guys come up with. but ill give it a shot...
here goes

Purple Flowers

The paper is blank.
Somebody draws a flower on it
In Red, Green and a bit of Yellow.
We watch it grow
This Somebody and I,
From a little red flower
To a beautiful rose bush
In a big garden
Full of sun and life.

I like this Somebody.
He draws the garden
And the butterflies
And the little brown things
With shells on their backs.
He calls them 'snails'.

I watch him draw.
And after a while I want to draw.
I want purple flowers
And a gum tree and
A little wading pool-
Like the one outside.

He draws with his left hand
-not like me.
Roses are nice he tells me,
Purple flowers are UGLY.
Gardens shouldnt have wading pools,
You're just like your mother.

He rests and snores and mumbles something about
'Transactions'.

The roses are purple now and
There's a great big gum tree in the middle
And a little wading pool for the children.

The garden is perfect.
But now the paper is gone.


© Copyright 2001 cherish - All Rights Reserved
Dopey Dope
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Moderator
Member Laureate
since 08-30-2000
Posts 15536
San Juan, Puerto Rico


1 posted 04-18-2001 03:16 AM       View Profile for Dopey Dope   Email Dopey Dope   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dopey Dope

WELCOME TO PASSIONS CHERISH!
mua!!
Good to see you in here posting now cutie pie! It's always good to see a new member join, especially a kick butt person like you. Wonderful poem. You know I liked this one. So I hope to see you post more! MORE!!!!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

fractal007
Member Elite
since 06-01-2000
Posts 2032


2 posted 04-18-2001 03:46 AM       View Profile for fractal007   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for fractal007

I liked this one a lot.  

A lot of symbolism seems to be here.  

You are quite creative, and I look forward to more posts from you.

As for critiques, I think that the rather verbal form of presentation in this poem is quite good.  I don't really have too much to criticize, so I'll wait to see more of your posts and then give u some suggestions from my own experience.

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

katherine
Senior Member
since 06-10-2000
Posts 568
Canberra Australia


3 posted 04-18-2001 06:28 AM       View Profile for katherine   Email katherine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for katherine

dude this poem fully rocks! wow!
i loved it!
keep it up!
~kate

'Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.'

Child of the Stars
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Senior Member
since 09-07-2000
Posts 1972
Ann Arbor, MI


4 posted 04-18-2001 07:20 AM       View Profile for Child of the Stars   Email Child of the Stars   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Child of the Stars

Buddy of Javier's, eh?   Welcome to Passions! This was a really terrific first post...mmm flowers are pretty...Well I hope to see you posting more soon, I like whatcha got so far!!
Oh and..don't forget to check your email.
  ~Carly

There are pleasures in poetic pains that only poets know......~Unknown

Heavens Tears
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Senior Member
since 03-15-2001
Posts 832


5 posted 04-18-2001 11:16 AM       View Profile for Heavens Tears   Email Heavens Tears   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Heavens Tears

WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!  The welcoming comittee here really overdoes itself, just a warning.  HEHE.  Anyway, great first post.  Lots of potential in this one.  Keep posting!

*If the only place I can live my dreams is in my sleep, then I'll sleep forever!*

Ina
Senior Member
since 10-09-2000
Posts 1331
Quebec, Canada


6 posted 04-18-2001 11:53 AM       View Profile for Ina   Email Ina   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Ina

This first post was amazing! its going in my library.
amazing!

Regina

a small cut is only the beggining of a life in pain

Allan Riverwood
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Member Elite
since 01-04-2001
Posts 4212
Winnipeg


7 posted 04-18-2001 01:08 PM       View Profile for Allan Riverwood   Email Allan Riverwood   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allan Riverwood

Ok, I'm assuming this is either Javier's friend, or he's lost it.  Both are probablities...
Looking at the poem itself, I really must comment on the tense you put it in.  The story of the poem was excellent, as is the poem itself, but I wonder how it would look in past tense?  It seems to me that story poems like this work better when written in past tense.  Of course, that's only my experience.  I'd at least try this poem out in a different tense and see how it sounds.     That is, if you're into all that stuff.  
Still this poem really got me thinking... hope to see a lot more of you in here, and welcome to Passions in Poetry.  
~Allan

Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day.  Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.  
~Unknown

xShUgArHiGhx
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 09-26-2000
Posts 3830
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs


8 posted 04-18-2001 01:20 PM       View Profile for xShUgArHiGhx   Email xShUgArHiGhx   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit xShUgArHiGhx's Home Page   View IP for xShUgArHiGhx

WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!! I could just picture everything as i read...very descriptive which is NICE! I cant wait to read more from you so please keep them coming! im glad you decided to join us and welcome again!
Hand Me Down
Junior Member
since 04-08-2001
Posts 35
WV


9 posted 04-18-2001 01:21 PM       View Profile for Hand Me Down   Email Hand Me Down   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Hand Me Down

Welcome to passions! This poem rocked, want to see more soon

"Cause I can't fix something this complex anymore than I can build a rose"

Acies
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Moderator
Member Laureate
since 06-07-2000
Posts 14805
Twilight Zone


10 posted 04-18-2001 05:26 PM       View Profile for Acies   Email Acies   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Acies

WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!!

Seems like you've made Dopey so happy by joining  
I wonder why  
Well, for you first post, I do agree with the rest.
I like your style, I love free verse
I'm very impressed

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee."  W.S.

Fading Away
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Member Elite
since 03-14-2001
Posts 4302
Lynchburg, Virginia


11 posted 04-19-2001 10:28 AM       View Profile for Fading Away   Email Fading Away   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Fading Away

Welcome to Passions, Cherish!
This is a great first post to start things out here.. I know you'll like it here.  Keep posting, becuase I can't wait to read more from you.  Nicely done.

--Marie

subconsciously, i think i can eat so much to make my stomach hurt, instead of my heart.

cherish
Member Ascendant
since 03-25-2001
Posts 6045
swimming in fairy floss.......


12 posted 04-19-2001 08:45 PM       View Profile for cherish   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for cherish

thanx guys!!..im glad you enjoyed that poem - your comments are well appreciated...
you guys are so SWEET!
allan..i tend to change tense on purpose..you'll see it in sum of my other poems..using the present tense brings it into the "here and now"- sumtimes its a real issue with me...thanx for the constructive criticism it helps
javvie!!!...you've managed to embarrassed me already...hehehehe.. ..*runs-trips-falls flat on her face*..mua!
thanx for your comments

"Life is not long and boring,
it's short and compelling." -Javier Agosto-

anonymousfemale
Member Ascendant
since 02-02-2000
Posts 6304
Limbo


13 posted 07-27-2001 10:02 AM       View Profile for anonymousfemale   Email anonymousfemale   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for anonymousfemale

Alright, so we all know you wrote this a million years ago but it was so awesome I just HAD to reply.  
Like frac said, there is quite a bit of symbolism in this. When you broke up the lines it made it more real. When you read some poems they lose that simple element of being able to connect with the reader. This line, "He rests and snores and mumbles something about
'Transactions'." really made it sink in that it wasn't just some other poem.
Thanks for the read, chicky.  

~AF~

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs." -- Robin Williams

Postman Pat
Member
since 08-05-2001
Posts 51
The Great Land DownUnder


14 posted 08-06-2001 12:21 AM       View Profile for Postman Pat   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Postman Pat

Hey babe (or bebe!).
This is the first time I've read this one from you. I liked this one a lot. I think i know what its about- or WHO its about- so i hope you're doing ok with it now *hugs*.
The poem-like everyone said is excellent. You're a wonderful writer!I'm going to see your other ones now!
Marshalzu
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Member Elite
since 02-15-2001
Posts 4465
Lurking


15 posted 03-04-2003 11:40 AM       View Profile for Marshalzu   Email Marshalzu   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marshalzu's Home Page   View IP for Marshalzu

This is a great first post, shame it took me so long to discover it. I really love this especially the ending.
 
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