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Teen Poetry #4
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Don't read this
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Don't read this |
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IsGona Senior Member
since 2000-07-14
Posts 723
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I wrote this for a friend who is pretty down right now I just emailed it to her I hope she and you all like it It's been a whi;e but feel free to tear this poem apart ------------------------------------------------------ Let me spend some time in that hole in your heart Let me in to mend all that was torn apart Let me tell you that it is going to work out Let yourself forget what the pain was all about Let a friendly voice fill your heart with love and trust Let us remember good things we have amongst us The hole fills with hate every time you turn away And this hate will grow far to strong for you some day Please for me to help you must let me I'll love you always Jason [This message has been edited by IsGona (edited 04-18-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 IsGona - All Rights Reserved | |||
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lonely*soul Member
since 2001-04-05
Posts 396east haddam (moodus) ct :) |
i really liked this b.c im always trying to cheer up my friends..and ive written alota poems..but i like this..and it works so good in a case like that  *~kim~* |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Nice poem you have here, Jason. I enjoyed reading this... I have a few critiques.. The flow seemed to break quite a few times. I dont exactly know why, but I especially noticed this in the third stanza. Also, in the last stanza, I thought you could make the lines longer and expand the thought. And maybe you should keep it 4 lines like the rest of the stanzas. Well, that's just me being picky. It's just a few things you might want to consider. Nice job, and a very sweet thing to send to your friend. I know your friend will thank you for it, because it's obviously written with lots of care. Thanks for sharing --Marie subconsciously, i think i can eat so much to make my stomach hurt, instead of my heart. |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Beautiful poem Jason. You sure she's only a friend?  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
this was so sweet..im sure your friend will appreciate it a lot.. .i love the repetion of "let me"...very effective in your poem. good stuff!! "Life is not long and boring, |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
this was a great poem...i really liked it as this was to be me.. i would cheered up..anyhow hope she feels better...great job and it was nice of u to consider and write a poem to her  |
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IsGona Senior Member
since 2000-07-14
Posts 723 |
Thank you every one, I love the replies. Yeah dopes, we're just friends. she's been my best friend since about 5th grade. Fading Away, Thank you for the critiques. In all actuallity the only verse I really like is the first one but hey that's just me. I know that the flow at the end kinda sucks, this poem started out just being a letter and then I was like hmmm... and then put into this format. So it's supposed to read like a poem/letter I guess. But, yeah right when I lose the 'Let' repetition it kinda changes tones and it's supposed to but I should have expanded it but ummmm just didn't feel like it. Plus the whole poem was A,B,C,B and I think 5,7,5,7 (or close anyhow) and the last line was like whatever. But that's where the whol letter/poem thing comes in. Anyhow thank you so much for reading Jason [This message has been edited by IsGona (edited 04-18-2001).] |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
I actually really like the ending of this poem. i thought that the short lines at the end really served to add power to the poem, but that's just me. i really enjoyed this, keep posting all your work. Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
I read it. Ooooops. Nice job on this one Bubba...very forced, but good message. Peace. ~Carly There is pleasure in poetic pains which only poets know......~Unknown |
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IsGona Senior Member
since 2000-07-14
Posts 723 |
Martha! I warned you not to read it!!! And I told you the creative side of my brain died months ago so this is all you get for now on... Bubba |
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Low Man's Lyric Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 236In a dream |
You rock IsGona!! BUMP UP THE JAMS! Nice poem, im sure she will apreciate it. Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says "For the woman I love" and the second, "For my best friend." |
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Hand Me Down Junior Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 32WV |
This is great, I'm sure your friend will greatly appreciate it "Cause I can't fix something this complex anymore than I can build a rose" |
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