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Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

0 posted 2001-04-12 04:48 PM

The Fog of War.

I manipulate these words for you,
But you spit and throw them back,
There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do,
If you would only have me back,
I’ve been trying to apologise,
And set the record straight,
But you just cannot sympathise,
You can’t see through your hate,
I know what I did was terrible,
And it was a big mistake,
But believe that I am credible,
And these feelings now aren’t fake,
I’m aware just how I used you,
And how I ruined all your trust,
But my heart has only been true,
Any punishment would be just,
I want to be your lover,
I want to be your friend,
These feelings you uncover,
Because you drive me round the bend,
I’m hoping that’s it’s not to late,
For us to start again,
I’m hoping you can see past the hate,
I hope you can bear the pain.

Andrew.

" No Army can conquer a galaxy, yet faith alone can overturn the universe."

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

1 posted 2001-04-12 06:12 PM

I'm looking at your critique message for perhaps the first time (I rarely read those). And I'll have to admit, it's not really a possibility to pull your work to pieces. You are a great poet, Zu, but the formats you use are quite constant. Some variety would be nice.... have you considered trying a few new formats?
That's my critique... and good poem, I did enjoy it as per usual.

~Allan

Concieted?? Impossible! That would be a fault!

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

2 posted 2001-04-12 07:38 PM

I think it's fine. Once again, not your best but still a good read.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

3 posted 2001-04-13 08:31 AM

Thanks a lot for the comments Allan, err I'm this is actually an old one... I haven't written any for a while I just have loads I haven't posted... I'm sort of experimenting with a new style at the moment, but it's difficult getting comfortable with it so as soon as I get something worth printing, it will be posted. Anyway thank you for all the support.
Andrew

" No Army can conquer a galaxy, yet faith alone can overturn the universe."

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

4 posted 2001-04-13 11:17 AM

This isn't your best, but I still enjoyed the read. Nice job.

--Marie

subconsciously, i think i can eat so much to make my stomach hurt, instead of my heart.

banburycross
Senior Member

since 2001-03-27

Posts 946
viginia

5 posted 2001-04-13 12:28 PM

the flow of this was pretty good and i like this poem, even if it isn't your best. my only suggestion would be to break this up into stanzas and make it a little easier to read. good job, though, keep posting your work.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

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