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Teen Poetry #4
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locked up
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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locked up |
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jytree Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 336omaha ark usa |
Sitting alone within a tower of hate, When morrning comes I face my fate, Broken frist by a unhonest love, Heart of the devil face of a dove, Locked up now feeling a pain within my chest, Two hour left maybe I'll get my enternal rest, Dead and alive is what I am now, Now more life still I am proud, Standing faithful to myself for one last time, Putting in my two cents about this crime, This life I lead I lead alone, No one to follow, No place to call home, Sun up time to deside, Judge within your hearts shall I live or die? Lead me not into temptation, |
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| © Copyright 2001 Michael Jay vaughn - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jytree Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 336omaha ark usa |
What I would like is for you all to be the judge I have been burned out from life as of late so this is probually and hopefully that people will like because I havn't been able to write so I hope you all like it Lead me not into temptation, |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
I liked it fine... although I think you should improve the meter. It was difficult to read because it didn't have much of a meter to it... I'm tired, and I've done this many times before, but I'll define "meter" for you. It's the accentuation of syllables used appropriately in a poem. For example... "The big ravine is deep and green" reads "daDA-daDA-daDA-daDA." see how if flows nicely? now we have... "The tarantula dances incessantly." it kinda goes all over the place in accentuations... This is my lesson on Meter for the day. I've given a thousand of these things... it's an aspect of poetry not enough people know about. That's my tip for you, Jay. Learn a bit more about meter.  ~Allan The sun was born, so it shall die. ~VNV Nation, "Further" |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
*grins* great job on this one jytree.....nice to see you stop in.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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jytree Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 336omaha ark usa |
I don't know if I stated it before that my I haven't been able to write poem very well at all so I am flattered that it is doing good I think but I will in future events try to improve my meter in my work and I hope in future events that I can regain what I had before Lead me not into temptation, |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
I liked this poem and as far as critiques go, all i can say is listen to allan, he knows what he's talking about. The more you write the more you will improve as a poet, so keep posting. Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Uh oh.. Allan's doing the "daDAdaDAdaDAdaDA's" again  Very nice, jytree. I enjoyed the read. --Marie "Hope is a thing with feathers that perches in the soul." --Emily Dickinson |
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Attack Ferrit Junior Member
since 2001-04-09
Posts 41texas |
nice. i really liked the first two stanzas, especially the line "Heart of the devil face of a dove". really good. |
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
jytree, this was great post!*thumbs up* regina a small cut is only the beggining of a life in pain |
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xShUgArHiGhx
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs |
Very emotional...very good job there jytree!!! |
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