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Teen Poetry #4
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another girl
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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another girl |
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Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden 
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I look at the phone, and wish you would call, my face shows no emotion, I've tried to call you, dialed six numbers, but I guess I've given up hopin'. They say you've got another girl, does she look like me? does she talk like me? They say you've got another girl, does she love you like me? is she at all like me? You have no idea, as to how much it hurts, to think about you now. And yet I can't stop, it's gone to far, there's something left some how. They say you've got another girl, is she at all like me? does she love you like me? They say you've got another girl, does she talk like me? could she ever be me? They say you've got another girl, does she love you like me? Will she be like me? You say you've got another girl, yes she talks like me, yes she loves you like me. She is me. I wish people would stop telling me that I can do anything I want to. I never thought that I couldn't. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Allysa - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
 Your ending took me by complete surprise. I haven't seen an ending that unexpected since Princess Sarah's "Mornings." VERY good job. The surprise ending was lead into beautifully, I never did expect it. What helped it is the two lines just before it, that say "yes she talks like me, yes she loves you like me." Interesting. This made me go "hmm..." then I scrolled down and read the ending. hah  I really admire this poem, Allysa. Very original, creative, and you did a fine job of penning it. Oh and halfway through I promised myself I'd applaud your title... and now that I have read it all the way through, I see the real irony behind it and applaud it further.  ~Allan The sun was born, so it shall die. ~VNV Nation, "Further" |
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Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
Thanks Allan! Ur opinion means a lot to me. I'm glad you liked this one. Well, g2g. I'ma gonna post another poem. I wish people would stop telling me that I can do anything I want to. I never thought that I couldn't. |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
The ending to this was really powerful and the repitition was used very effectively throughout this piece. keep writing and posting. Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Very well done. Quite surprising end that caught me off guard. I don't get it though.....explain Allysa...  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Wow!! The ending was excellent... I wasn't expecting that in the slightest! VERY nice job with this poem, Allysa! The flow and style was awesome! This one's going into my library... --Marie "Hope is a thing with feathers that perches in the soul." --Emily Dickinson |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
wait a minute here Allysa what's going on? the ending was defenitely surprising i never expected it so, whatup? "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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dreamer1 12 5 24 Member
since 2000-12-11
Posts 150crossing between |
Wow. That was unexpected! I don't know what to say! That was well done. dreamer ....peace as a primary objective is dangerous because it implies that we would sacrifice any principle for the sake of it.... |
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