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Teen Poetry #4
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Master
Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867
Boston, MA

0 posted 2001-04-08 12:38 PM



Her fingers fall upon the keys
And the piano quickly answers.
Outside, the unexpected breeze
Spins golden leaves in round dances
And sunrays stretch out to caress
Her sable hair and falling down,
They warm her shoulders and her chest
And by her feet they fall to drown.
The music rises with emotion,
I gasp for air and realize
I never loved with such devotion
Somebody solely for their eyes.
We never meant to be alone,
But fate had plans we couldn’t alter
My path was laid in bricks of stone
My fingers fell upon her shoulder
And falling, struck the deepest chords
She looked at me with warm affection
We never had the time for words
She never asked for my confession...

© Copyright 2001 Andrey Kneller - All Rights Reserved
Allan Riverwood
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since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502
Winnipeg
1 posted 2001-04-08 02:25 AM


As far as the story was concerned, I did like this poem.  Although it's a fine example of the one thing that bothers me about your work... the way you rhyme words that don't seem to rhyme quite perfectly in your scheme.  It's just a little thing that I keep mentioning because I'm a pain.  
I do think this should be paid more attention though, it's one of the few flaws I find in your work, my friend.
~Allan

The sun was born, so it shall die. ~VNV Nation, "Further"

Dopey Dope
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Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico
2 posted 2001-04-08 03:09 AM


I really enjoy it. I'll have to say that I enjoy the way you ryhme words. It's your little tag. Also dif. people have dif. accents....some words sound the same with the dif. ways of pronounciation. Anyhow, I just like the way it all sounds together. Anyway it's done in songs a LOT....
Very well done here!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Linc
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since 2001-03-07
Posts 552
The Backstreet Boy
3 posted 2001-04-08 09:12 AM


Hey,

     Well there is not much to say   they have said it all. SO all I have is great good, great poem, and until your next poem

                     -- Linc

"Once you reach your original goal it seems that the journey was your real accomplishment."

Master
Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867
Boston, MA
4 posted 2001-04-08 10:56 AM


Allen, my rhyming scheme is not a flaw, it's done on purpose. There are different forms of rhyming, ex. "imperfect rhyme, last syllable, double rhyme" The whole point of rhyming is not to match words that perfectly rhyme, but to make the poem as a whole sound better... and I think that I do that in most of my poems. i'm sorry if you disagree, but thank you for sharing your opinion. I appreciate it!
LoveBug
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since 2000-01-08
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5 posted 2001-04-08 09:35 PM


Imperfect rhyme or not, the feelings you portray are nothing less than perfect. I really enjoyed this piece, as I do all of your work. Thanks for sharing.

"Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli

Allan Riverwood
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since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502
Winnipeg
6 posted 2001-04-08 09:37 PM


I am aware of the different types of rhyming, let me assure you that my opinion was always just that- an opinion.  Thanks for addressing my feelings.  
Acies
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Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665
Twilight Zone
7 posted 2001-05-02 10:07 PM


Enjoyable read as always Master.  I don't see much of your work anymore, but I believe more will come.  Well, hopefully more will come  

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee."  W.S.

Kevin
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since 1999-11-02
Posts 729
Torrington, Ct, Usa
8 posted 2001-05-03 08:10 PM


me again
rock on

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