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Teen Poetry #4
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silvrduck
Member
since 2000-11-05
Posts 146


0 posted 2001-04-01 10:11 PM


Today was a day
I shall not soon dismiss
Though not marked by a victory
Or a rebel’s lovely kiss

Today was a day
My hope was serene
I was able to trace back
To the peace in my dreams

Today was a day
It was uncovered from neglect
The tingles in my chest
This missed feeling, I didn’t even suspect

Today was a day
Your hand lingered a second more
And that made today..
All the more worth living for.

*The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else.*

© Copyright 2001 silvrduck - All Rights Reserved
Child of the Stars
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Senior Member
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658
Ann Arbor, MI
1 posted 2001-04-02 08:44 PM


   OOOOoooh very nice one ya got here, silvrduck. Hehe, ducks are KOO. Well anyways...have a nice day, all right? KAY!
  
  ~Carly

Many miles behind my eyelashes, there always seems to be
the strangest things, the slightly sane, that only I can see...

[This message has been edited by Child of the Stars (edited 04-02-2001).]

Dopey Dope
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Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico
2 posted 2001-04-03 07:51 PM


Very positive poem here. I enjoyed the message a lot! Hope to see more!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Lakewalker
Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289
On the streets w/ people
3 posted 2001-04-05 04:05 PM


Oh, now this is a good one!  nice job on the poem

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"  
Unknown

lonely*soul
Member
since 2001-04-05
Posts 396
east haddam (moodus) ct :)
4 posted 2001-04-05 09:04 PM


ohh...i like!  simple yet cute!  good job, ive read some of your other poems, you have a talent!!!  hehe
       <3 kim

fozzyozzy
Member
since 2001-03-15
Posts 336
Lessburg Virginia
5 posted 2001-04-05 09:58 PM


I LOVE the flow here.  Every rhyming line seemed perfectly matched.  Whatever happened to make you write this, let's hope it happens again  

"The heart can think of no devotion
Greater than being shore to ocean
Holding the curve of one position
Counting an endless repetition"
-

banburycross
Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946
viginia
6 posted 2001-04-06 09:25 AM


This is really beautiful!!  the rhyme and flow are nearly perfect and the ending was good.  it sounds like a good day to me.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

Fading Away
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Member Elite
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia
7 posted 2001-04-06 10:22 AM


"Today was a day
I shall not soon dismiss
Though not marked by a victory
Or a rebel’s lovely kiss"

Wow.. This is so beautiful!  The flow is perfect... great job!  

--Marie

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Acies
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Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665
Twilight Zone
8 posted 2001-04-10 06:17 PM


that was really good.  I like it a lot.  Good for you    hope things get better and better

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

Allan Riverwood
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Member Elite
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502
Winnipeg
9 posted 2001-04-10 06:43 PM


I'll contradict Fozzy Ozz... the flow needs help.  Try to trim the lines to similar size... that's my critique.  
~Allan

The sun was born, so it shall die. ~VNV Nation, "Further"

Attack Ferrit
Junior Member
since 2001-04-09
Posts 41
texas
10 posted 2001-04-10 07:23 PM


nice post. the flow does need some work though. the begenning line of each stanza "Today was a day" is a pretty quick line to read where as some of the other lines get pretty long. rearanging some words would make it much smoother. still a very nice post.
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