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Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

0 posted 2001-04-01 10:25 AM

Chimneys of flesh.

An early morning rise,
The sun justs breaks the sky,
I see what I despise,
Out the corner of my eye,
The golden beams are lighting,
The billowing clouds of smoke,
The harmful effects are frightening,
On sight I seem to choke,
I watch it's falling trajectory,
As washes all around me,
This is not some tall factory,
It's someone I can see,
Incomprehendable damage done,
I cannot save this fool,
Another battle lost not won,
All for the sake of looking "cool".

" War is peace,
Freedom is Slavery,
Ignorance is strength" - George Orwell "1984"

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

1 posted 2001-04-01 11:28 PM

Nicely done. I felt that this poem's flow broke off a couple of times but i truly enjoyed this poem a LOT. I loved it, to be honest.Great job!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

banburycross
Senior Member

since 2001-03-27

Posts 946
viginia

2 posted 2001-04-02 09:56 AM

To write poetry with this type of rhyme scheme is a very difficult thing to do and i think you did an excellent. i agree with Dopey_Dope in that some of the words have too many syllables and that hurts the flow in a few places, but overall excellent work.

Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing.

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

3 posted 2001-04-02 04:09 PM

This is a good poem. Not the best I've seen from you, but pretty good. The only suggestion I have is the break in flow, and since that's already been mentioned, I'll just say I enjoyed reading this. Nice job.

--Marie

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Elvenblood
Member

since 2001-02-17

Posts 409
Maine, USA

4 posted 2001-04-02 04:56 PM

wow, harsh. Pretty good though

"Some men see things as they are and say why.
I dream things that never were and say why not." ~RFK

Ina
Senior Member

since 2000-10-09

Posts 1236
Quebec, Canada

5 posted 2001-04-02 06:49 PM

this was really good. the title caught my attention, "Chimneys of flesh" nice title.

regina

a small cut is only the beggining of a life in pain

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

6 posted 2001-04-12 07:31 PM

Not a bad write Marshalzu. I've seen better from you, but still an enjoyable read. For some reason, I had the feeling that you didn't really take your time on this poem. Well, it must just be me. thanks for the share

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

7 posted 2001-04-13 10:43 AM

It's about smoking, right? I think you did a great job, with that in mind.

~Allan

Concieted?? Impossible! That would be a fault!

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