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Teen Poetry #4
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The Peak
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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The Peak |
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ethel lahootie Member
since 2001-03-06
Posts 143SC, USA |
this sorta sux but o wel...i just suck at writing  hehe At the peak of the mountain I stand waiting for you I know you will never show your face But that’s not what I wait for I wait for your spirit It will live on forever, even without a face I feel a breeze It blows cool breath on my cheek You kiss my eyelids My hair runs wild around my face I feel your hands rustling the long curls I remember your soft touch I climb slowly down the mountain Taking a moment to regain my composure I will come back next time But only when it is time And I will yet again encounter a spirit that lives on On beyond a time and place On forever "i remember running through the wet grass |
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| © Copyright 2001 ethel lahootie - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Not too bad, Ethel. I think that one way to improve this poem is to try and give it a format of some sort. If you tried to squeeze a rhyme scheme into your poetry more often, you'll find you have to search for more creative ways to phrase things, and will get better metaphors or similies. Keep writing, and sharing. We can be an excellent resource for improving the quality of your writing.  ~Allan Its rather handy being at the top of the food chain...you can sort things out and not get the blame for it. ~~Elizabeth Johnson (anonymousfemale) |
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banburycross Senior Member
since 2001-03-27
Posts 946viginia |
This was not a bad piece, and certainly no basis for saying you suck at writing. From this poem it is apparent that you have talent when it comes to writing so keep submitting your work. Sometimes, the things that go unsaid are the only things worth hearing. |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Oooooooohh...pretty ~Carly Many miles behind my eyelashes, there always seems to be |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
Oh, this poem really touched me. Maybe it doesn't have the perfect form, but the emotions and imagery in it are perfect. I hope that you will always feel the touch of this person. Thanks for sharing.  "Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
This poem doesn't suck at all, the emotion in it is great. I would only suggest changing the format. Nice job, though. --Marie It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
you kidding me, this is really good I enjoyed it as much as I enjoy love itself  you did a good job my friend keep sharing "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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ethel lahootie Member
since 2001-03-06
Posts 143SC, USA |
thank u much ppls!!  ~jo~"two people from two different worlds we wasnt meant to be...we're all the same color when you turn out the lights" |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I thought you wrote this well. This line made me crack up: "My hair runs wild around my face" I pictured it literally happening. Sorry.... Nicely done though!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
hey ethel.. i liked this very much...it was nice..and dont critique yourself!!!!!..you're good..you just may not know it.. |
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ethel lahootie Member
since 2001-03-06
Posts 143SC, USA |
dopey boy u crack me up! im glad it made u laugh haha thanks for replying yall! ~jo~ "We're all the same color when you turn out the lights" |
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Poet on Acid Member
since 2001-01-07
Posts 325Florida, USA |
Nice. It was kinda happy with a saddening overtone to it. I tend to view everything that way though so don't take much stock in it. Anyways the poem was really good. >¶Øʆ< |
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ethel lahootie Member
since 2001-03-06
Posts 143SC, USA |
thanx for replying  ~jo~  |
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