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Teen Poetry #4
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Hallucination
Member
since 2001-03-18
Posts 419


0 posted 2001-03-27 06:43 PM


I see your face in the mirror
I feel the touch of your hands,
every time I close my eyes.
Got a picture of you by my bed
got a thousand shattered dreams,
inside of my head.

still got your lipstick mark, on a coffee cup,
got your messege on my anwaering machine,
after all these months I feel it's time to give up,
But in a corner of my mind, I gotta believe
That you'll be comming home to me.

I'm torn between dreams and reality
I'm separatet between your heart and mine,
need a little room to breathe.
but I can't leave you all behind
got a soul full of pure emotion,
cause you're always inisde...me

still got your lipstick mark, on a coffee cup,
got your messege on my anwaering machine,
after all these months I feel it's time to give up,
But in a corner of my mind, I gotta believe
That you'll be comming home to me.

I know I was wrong,
but baby please, let by gone be by gone
just wan to feel your lips against mine again
just so complete in our love,

still got your lipstick mark, on a coffee cup,
got your messege on my anwaering machine,
after all these months I feel it's time to give up,
But in a corner of my mind, I gotta believe
That you'll be comming home to me.

© Copyright 2001 Brian Eggertsen - All Rights Reserved
Ina
Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236
Quebec, Canada
1 posted 2001-03-27 08:37 PM


i really liked this one. the whole lipstick mark, made it very orginal. There was sadness but it fit well. great work.
Regina

Pixie-Babe03
Member
since 2000-08-29
Posts 387
Central Maine
2 posted 2001-03-27 09:30 PM


wow... just, wow!  i liked this a LOT!  original work!

-=Love starts with a SMILE, grows with a KISS, and ends with a TEAR=-

Dopey Dope
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico
3 posted 2001-03-27 11:15 PM


I thought you did well on this poem cept for a few spelling errors. Nicely done though.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Crystalina123
Member
since 2000-01-31
Posts 228

4 posted 2001-03-28 01:46 AM


Obviously this is a song? Or at least the start of one? Wondering if there was music somewhere that goes with this. If not, there should be.

Crystal

"I'll be your crying shoulder, I'll be the greatest fan of your life."
"You don't love her because she's beautiful. She's beautiful because you love

AngelShell
Member
since 2000-03-01
Posts 446
not heaven nor hell so...
5 posted 2001-03-28 04:22 AM


I believe that the "chorus" if you like reminds me of another song, the lyrics to the chourus goes "Got your lipstick mark still on my coffee cup (no no wasn't good) and in the courner of my mind (I think it's time) for me to give up"
Something like that, but it's a good song/poem none the less.

keoni
Senior Member
since 2000-10-16
Posts 850
Up in the mountains in the NFC
6 posted 2001-03-28 10:36 AM


I liked this one alot. This feeling is hell. The few spelling errors kind of hurt the flow, but other than that it's great.
Jon

"Your anger is a gift"-Rage Against The Machine

Fading Away
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia
7 posted 2001-03-28 04:38 PM


This is a song right?  Great job here... I like the flow a lot.  Nicely done

--Marie

I never thought that you would ever be the one to let me down. I guess that just goes to show how wrong I always am.

Acies
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665
Twilight Zone
8 posted 2001-04-06 05:42 PM


Don't you think you're obssessing a little bit too much?  This was a good write.  keep sharing

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

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