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Teen Poetry #4
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Shygirl82
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since 2001-02-19
Posts 245
Ilinois

0 posted 2001-03-27 02:13 PM


I wish I could tell you face to face, but I'm afraid thats simply not the case.  
Though I know my feelings are true, I cant at all reveal them to you.  
You seem to like me, you seem to care, but my heart with you I cannot share.
Day after day I can see your smile, laughing, talking thinking about you all the while.  
I want to scream!
I want to shout!
Do you really not see what my words are actually about?
Do you understand at all?
Will you be there to break my fall?
Because when I look in your eyes I lose it all.
My feelings are true; but are yours for you?
I feel your hand holding mine tight; but are you sure if this is all right?
How or when will I know if this is real; or if my broken heart is just part of the deal?



© Copyright 2001 Nikki - All Rights Reserved
Allan Riverwood
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since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502
Winnipeg
1 posted 2001-03-27 02:36 PM


Good job on this one, officially.     It has a LOT of emotion behind it, and that just glows in this piece.
However, I think that you would be better served to arrange it better in terms of spacing and line breaks.  
Example-
"I wish I could tell you face to face, but I'm afraid thats simply not the case."
could be
"I wish I could tell you face to face
but I'm afraid thats simply not the case."
The best way to organize it in this poem's case would be to just put each line more individually.  Try to make all the rhymes end a line.  It would improve the flow.
Keep this in mind.
Just a friendly critique.  Everything else about this is well thought out and put together.  
~Allan

If I had your eyes, I'd be blind. For I can only see out of my own. ~~Carly Van Dort


Dopey Dope
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Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico
2 posted 2001-03-27 03:20 PM


Nicely done here. I thought you did just fien with this one. I liked it.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

LoveBug
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since 2000-01-08
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3 posted 2001-03-27 04:15 PM


Situations like this can be confusing. I'm in one right now, actually, and you describe it well. I hope things work out for you!

"Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli

Jenn Cirrincione
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since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107
Fl
4 posted 2001-03-27 04:17 PM


This was really good!! We all feels a little lost sometimes. Keep posting!

Jenn

"I'm a big, big, girl, in a big, big world, it's not a big, big thing if you leave me, but I do feel, that I will miss you much..." Emilia



Pixie-Babe03
Member
since 2000-08-29
Posts 387
Central Maine
5 posted 2001-03-27 09:23 PM


I liked this poem a lot, it is glowing with emotion!  can't wait to see more!
~*Pixie*~

-=Love starts with a SMILE, grows with a KISS, and ends with a TEAR=-

Fading Away
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since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia
6 posted 2001-03-28 04:43 PM


Wow.. very emotion-filled.  Nice job, but I agree with Allan in that maybe you should add more line breaks.. I think it could flow better.  Thanks for sharing..

--Marie

I never thought that you would ever be the one to let me down. I guess that just goes to show how wrong I always am.

Shygirl82
Member
since 2001-02-19
Posts 245
Ilinois
7 posted 2001-03-29 01:48 AM


Thanks for everyones comments...I really appreciate it....
Love ya
~Nikki~

Acies
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Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665
Twilight Zone
8 posted 2001-04-06 10:18 AM


A good write Shygirl
I would rearrange it though
I'd write it down this way....

"I wish I could tell you face to face,
but I'm afraid thats simply not the case.  
Though I know my feelings are true,
I cant at all reveal them to you.
You seem to like me,
you seem to care...,
but my heart with you I cannot share.
Day after day I can see your smile,
laughing...
talking...
thinking about you all the while.  
I want to scream!
I want to shout!
Do you really not see what my words are actually about?
Do you understand at all?
Will you be there to break my fall?
Because when I look in your eyes,
I lose it all.
My feelings are true,
but are yours for you?
I feel your hand holding mine tight
but are you sure if this is all right?
How or when will I know if this is real
or if my broken heart is just.....
"part of the deal?""

Just a suggestion  


"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

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