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a untitled poem :)
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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a untitled poem :) |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
jus wrote this day before yesterday but it kinda seems like i need 2 add sumthing 2 give it more life welcomes ur thoughts and suggestions  ohh yea like past sentences wit present and future u knoe check it out.... . . yesterday is gone buried in pain as its blowing in the wind but yesterday is leaving scars behind realizing nothing more is to gain . today has come in anticipation wondering if anything will be in difference though today all i see again is oppression that never change in its continuance . tomorrow will be a day accomplished by hope then will i be able to cope as tomorrow i'll see a new day in change even though it might seem strange . END [This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 03-27-2001).] |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
The rhyme scheme was interesting, how shifted here and there. I thought it was quite unique, and had a very nice effect. So don't touch the scheme of rhyme. The content was interesting as well... but it ended off on a note that didn't seem to be the focus of the poem, and I think that's what is missing. If you made the last line more conclusive, it would have a better impact. The topic is a neat one though. Good job, Albert. ~Allan If I had your eyes, I'd be blind. For I can only see out of my own. ~~Carly Van Dort |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I thought you did just find but if you're looking for that final punch try and read the poem over and think about the original thought you were trying to complete. Sometimes a poet tends to stray for the original meaning and it ruins the end pieces because they don't connect with the beginning.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
the poem was 2 be like the differences in state of r lives as in the yesterday is put as the past as the sacrs r wat has done 2 us and sayin yesterday is leavin 2 no more 2 gain means that theres nothing else it can do 2 change wat has become and today means the present as in the way i c it as i thought i'll c that tomorrow but came 2day as i c the same stuff even thoughi thought would be different and tomorrow is the future the better times as in hopin the day will come soon i did the last part like that cuz it might seem strange cuz i've lived all ma life in unchangin oppression and pain but when i get 2 that better times it will be strange cuz i lived life as the same i jus wrote wat i wrote it as even though all i said might not make sense but u knoe wat i mean right? so at the end i believe the poem fits the situations back 2 back cuz tomorrow is like yesterdays today and today is yesterdays tomorrow thats wat i try 2 put the poem as the differences in stage of life,.... that was the main poems meaning no other meanings i guess 2 me the end fits cuz it tells i hoped 4 sooo long and then when it happens it'll be strange anyways thanks 4 ur replys i'll concider it at time being ohh yea do u guys think that ma poems have a meaning that the readers find hard 2 understand and is it the way i write it or the way i think 2 write i'm losted ma poems r complicated i seem 2 write on so many emotions on differnt subjects that is trapped within me ma voices in ma head and all that stuff... i got like over 80 poems and i've been writin since nov.2000 i jus posted the insecure ones on passions 2 understand y i am insecure of them [This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 03-27-2001).] |
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keoni Senior Member
since 2000-10-16
Posts 850Up in the mountains in the NFC |
I enjoyed this one. Like Allan said, the rhyme scheme was a little strange, but I liked it. The only problem I had was the ending. Don't need to give an explanation, Dopey and Allan said it best. Jon "Your anger is a gift"-Rage Against The Machine |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
i jus thought a explanation would be necessary 4 the readers view of the poem but isn't the true essence of poetry understanding the true meaning of the poem i guess we all have different opinions on poetry i asked 4 suggestions and i'll keep it in mind thanks 4 ur reply [This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 03-28-2001).] |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
I didn't really like the rhyme scheme in this one, anonymous... I think I've seen better from you. Thank you for sharing.. keep posting. --Marie I never thought that you would ever be the one to let me down. I guess that just goes to show how wrong I always am. |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
I actually really did like this. i thought you did good. I believe you have a lot of potential so keep writing "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
thanks acire 4 ur reply it wasn't a poem i was proud of but nice 2 knoe u got the message thank u once again i really appreciate ur thoughts and hope someday i'll be able 2 read from u i always look 4 ur poems but time will come 4 that i guess. c u around |
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