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Teen Poetry #4
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i cant come up with one
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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i cant come up with one |
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emptyness Member
since 2000-03-09
Posts 95mobile,Ala,USA |
Dark clouds move in from the north Stagnant air blows in from the west Two armies move in from the south Beasts from the darkest corners of hell come from the east The battle raged, young men scared to death and barely able to hold a sword die all around me Blood stains the mud red and the smell of fear is worse than the bodies around me Above in the churning skies a beam of blinding light pours down on me For a moment the battle stops and all eyes are fixed on the brave general standing in the only pure thing for miles And they see him mutter something Then what started as a thin beam of light just wide enough to incase the wretched soldier that I was burst its sides and covered the entire field of sorrow and hate and foolishness The men dropped their weapons and embraced each other as brothers That night at camp a common soldier walked up to me and nervously asked me "what happened out their sir" The general looked up to this young man and whispered to him "exactly what we needed to happen to save us from our selves" "Cogito ergo sum"-I think, therefore I exist |
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| © Copyright 2001 emptyness - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
This was a bit iffy. I liked the other one of yours I read today a lot better. This was alright, don't get me wrong. But I think that it was a bit too sloppy and disorganized. I'd have at least used more constant stanzas in it. Well it wasn't bad, don't get me wrong. I just personally had a few beefs.  ~Allan If I had your eyes, I'd be blind. For I can only see out of my own. ~~Carly Van Dort |
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emptyness Member
since 2000-03-09
Posts 95mobile,Ala,USA |
thank you for your words allan but i want to ask you could you see the battle could you feel the terror that must have been on that field were you somehow comforted when the light shone down if so then i think i did a wonderful job "Cogito ergo sum"-I think, therefore I exist "Optimi consiliarii mortui"-learn from the past "Otia dant vitia"-the devil finds work for idle hands [This message has been edited by emptyness (edited 03-26-2001).] |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
This was nice and it had a great message but it kept on popping from 1st person to 3rd person. Anyhow, nicely done.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
I noticed the same thing Dopes did. Good job, just the same. --Marie I never thought that you would ever be the one to let me down. I guess that just goes to show how wrong I always am. |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
I believe you did a pretty good job on this one. It striked me more as a piece of a whole prose  keep sharing"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, |
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