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Teen Poetry #4
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Marshalzu
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Lurking

0 posted 2001-03-17 07:23 PM


Heavy blows to my heart,
You dagger pierces me,
Ever since we've been apart,
Your words have struck heavily,
I wasn't what I expected,
But I thought you'd have me back,
It seems that I'm infected,
And I've let my heart turn black,
I've always known I loved you,
but I just didn't know how much,
Our love was never true,
Because I was out of touch,
Your everything to me,
And I've got nothing left,
Why won't you see me free,
A stolen heart's still theft.


Err i'm not to happy with the whole rhyming scheme and in particular ryhming heavily with me but I knocked this one up in a couple of minutes so... what can you expect?
Zu.

Love is a friendship caught on fire.

© Copyright 2001 Andrew Sewell - All Rights Reserved
Dopey Dope
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Member Patricius
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San Juan, Puerto Rico
1 posted 2001-03-18 11:51 AM


I liked this, but I thought some grammatical errors were within the poem.
Anyhow, the basic message of it is quite sad. Hopefully everything works out for you soon!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Allan Riverwood
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2 posted 2001-03-18 12:26 PM


Hmm... I honestly think you restricted yourself too much. Maybe the scheme should have been a bit less profound, instead of interlocking try just a basic abcbdefe etc.?
Just an opinion. This wasn't as good as it could have been.
~Allan

If I had your eyes, I'd be blind. For I can only see out of my own. ~~Carly Van Dort


Jenn Cirrincione
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3 posted 2001-03-18 02:27 PM


I don't know too much about your scheme, however I completely relate to the topic/theme within this one. I really liked the vebiage and such. You probably could alter it a little and make it perfect, but in my book this was good.

Jenn


"I'm a big, big, girl, in a big, big world, it's not a big, big thing if you leave me, but I do feel, that I will miss you much..." Emilia


[This message has been edited by Jenn Cirrincione (edited 03-18-2001).]

anonymousfemale
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since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797
Limbo
4 posted 2001-03-19 12:30 PM


Your opening and closing lines are well written. It's just in the middle it gets a little hazy.
I would alter lines 7, 11 and 12 if i was you but the rest of it could be expanded on.
But for a piece knocked up in a few minutes it's good.

~AF~

"It is not necessary to change. Survival is not mandatory."
-W. Edwards Deming

Linc
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The Backstreet Boy
5 posted 2001-03-19 12:35 PM


Hey,

I though it was okay for a min. poem. Although I agree if you had spent a few more min. on it, it could be better. Until your next poem...

-- Linc

"Once you reach your original goal it seems that the journey was your real accomplishment."

Acies
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Twilight Zone
6 posted 2001-03-24 09:16 PM


I have a lot of respect for people who can come up with a poem in just minutes
I'm one who takes at least a day to write.
no matter what, thanks for sharing

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

Fading Away
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7 posted 2001-03-24 09:20 PM


This isn't the best I've seen from you, but it was good for writing it in just a few minutes. Thank you for sharing, and keep them coming. Good job.

--Marie

I never thought that you would ever be the one to let me down. I guess that just goes to show how wrong I always am.

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