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Allan Riverwood
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since 2001-01-04
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Winnipeg

0 posted 2001-03-17 01:14 AM


The city died, one solemn night
An earthquake tore the ground below
The buildings shook, to nature's spite
I felt I had no place to go
I looked into the sky and dreamed
I tilted my head back and screamed

A different kind of death fumed high
and taught us not to be afraid
It told us that we would not die
That we would live, if we just prayed
I took the smoke for what it's worth
as I despaired for mother earth

It held my hand without its own
and chanted softly with us all
The tremble of the solid stone
of buildings, that began to fall
Our words would set no chaos right
Our ears would hear no angel's flight

But suddenly, to our surprise
the smoke around began to shine
I scarcely could believe my eyes
Assuming they were ever mine
I breathed the smoke into my chest
and coughed with glee, as all the rest

The city cried, the concrete tore
The cars and children fell and broke
and drifted, as the spoils of war
were handed out, within the smoke
And when the glowing smoke was clear
not one of us had shed a tear

I clutched my life then, like a fool
without a thought to praise the dead
I fell to knees, into a pool
of fluid, gasoline and red
I lay my face onto the ground
and in that inch of death, I drowned.

But none were watching as I breathed
the bitter gasoline and blood
And none could notice I was wreathed
within the loveless, lifeless flood
Still none would care if they had seen
they'd just ignite the gasoline



[This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (edited 03-17-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved
fozzyozzy
Member
since 2001-03-15
Posts 336
Lessburg Virginia
1 posted 2001-03-17 01:33 AM


I love epic poems like this. Do you live near earthquakes or something? Awesome, just simply awesome. You can take that one moment and stretch it. You're in my library now.

"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep"
-Robert Frost

Irish Rose
Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263

2 posted 2001-03-17 03:06 AM


The rhyme scheme is very, very good and this evokes a lot of imagery!

Kathleen Blake

"When red-haired girls scamper like roses over the rain-green grass,
and the sun drips honey."
Laurie Lee


Elvenblood
Member
since 2001-02-17
Posts 409
Maine, USA
3 posted 2001-03-17 11:05 AM


Yes this is a really good picture you've painted here! Do more of these!

"Some men see things as they are and say why.
I dream things that never were and say why not." ~RFK

Dopey Dope
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since 2000-08-30
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San Juan, Puerto Rico
4 posted 2001-03-17 12:48 PM


This was quite dark in the ending. I thought the scheme was perfect. I have read a few poems in this style and I absoluetly love it. Not the theme though, i thought the theme was great. It added punch to everything, very nicely written.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Fading Away
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since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia
5 posted 2001-03-17 03:47 PM


Wow... I like the rhyme scheme a lot. I like epic poems too. This is a great poem. Great job.

--Marie

I never thought that you would ever be the one to let me down. I guess that just goes to show how wrong I always am.

Greeneyes617
Member
since 2000-11-22
Posts 329
Arkansas
6 posted 2001-03-17 04:00 PM


You did an awesome job, Allan.
Child of the Stars
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since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658
Ann Arbor, MI
7 posted 2001-03-18 06:45 PM


k.
i don't know what to say.
......
im just sitting here. staring at the screen. trying not to cry. k. ill give you a real reply later.
~Carly

"The eye sees a thing more clearly in dreams than the imagination awake."
- Leonardo da Vinci

Voiceless
Senior Member
since 2001-02-19
Posts 686
Under the stars upon the wind
8 posted 2001-03-18 10:26 PM


The flow of this poem is terrific!
I love how you painted the scene
to perfection as dark as it may be
A great poem..
on to the library...


~*Peachy Be*~

anonymousfemale
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since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797
Limbo
9 posted 2001-03-19 11:48 AM


You already know how much I love your CC series. If you don't, well wake the hell up.

Your pieces of writing go beyond words, Allan. This was totally awesome. Ok, that was a word but you know what I mean.

~AF~

"It is not necessary to change. Survival is not mandatory."
-W. Edwards Deming

Allan Riverwood
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since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502
Winnipeg
10 posted 2001-03-20 11:17 PM


Haha... thanks everyone. It was really an experiment in use of past tense as opposed to present tense. I noticed a few people using it, and it makes the story seem more "epic," as a few of you said.
Thanks once again for your praise.
~Allan

If I had your eyes, I'd be blind. For I can only see out of my own. ~~Carly Van Dort


Acies
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since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665
Twilight Zone
11 posted 2001-03-24 02:27 AM


very imaginative Allan, very imaginative

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

princess^sarah
Member
since 2001-01-12
Posts 131
melbourne
12 posted 2001-03-24 03:06 AM


i loved it
Sunshine
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since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
13 posted 2001-03-24 08:43 AM


An epopee, if you well, and strong, indeed. Well done!
Lakewalker
Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289
On the streets w/ people
14 posted 2001-03-24 11:24 AM


yup yup allan, it's a winner

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"
"Life's short. If you don't look around once in a while you might miss it."
BothUnknown

Ina
Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236
Quebec, Canada
15 posted 2001-03-25 07:06 PM


great work i mean excellent! r u proud of this one?i hope so. well i liked the whole shceme. (o no the sky is gonna fall...lol) it had a backbone, very sturdy and oraganized.
regina

Isabel Galaxia
Senior Member
since 2000-06-18
Posts 733

16 posted 2001-03-25 07:53 PM


That was amazing. Liked it much, no criticizm.

Bel

DancinQueen
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since 2000-07-29
Posts 1092
Kokomo,IN,USA
17 posted 2001-03-25 11:04 PM


you and your rhyme schemes

¤Sometimes the hardest thing to get over, is something you never really had¤

UnPumpkin
Junior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 18

18 posted 2001-03-26 01:09 AM


J'adore. it gives me chills and a warm, fuzzy feeling.
Allysa
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since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden
19 posted 2001-03-26 08:11 AM


I agree with UnPumpkin, it gives me chills and a warm fuzzy feeling. Great Job!

I wish people would stop telling me that I can do anything I want to. I never thought that I couldn't.

Life is what happens when you're making ot

anonymous albert ?
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since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979

20 posted 2001-03-26 02:21 PM


luv the way the poem was written
u really did a great job on it
the words came 2 life as a true life experience great poem

Crash&Burn
Member
since 2001-01-18
Posts 119

21 posted 2001-03-26 03:59 PM


Good work I really enjoyed it. A perfect scheme and the topic defenetly catches the interest.

I see the darkness coming all is bleak...

knightlyshadows
Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791
obscured vision
22 posted 2001-05-31 02:34 PM


ooo this was just wowish allan! u never cease to amaze me bro. made me all toastish      yea okays i cant spell thanx for pointin it outs Zu
love ya allan *hugs*
tiff


“A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.”

Just leave me alone and give me some space.

[This message has been edited by knightlyshadows (edited 05-31-2001).]

Marshalzu
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since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681
Lurking
23 posted 2001-05-31 02:37 PM


Well done Allan another great piece from you, You never cease to amaze me.  
Zu

SunShine913
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Member
since 2001-08-19
Posts 211
Italy but from NC
24 posted 2001-08-26 11:08 PM


Well thier isnt too much to say about this poem .. but i loved the pic you painted in my head.. so pretty yet...umm i dont know what word im looking for..but i loved this . it is in my libary !

*You only live once, so live it to the fullest and have fun!

*gurls are sweet, Gurls are nice, but im the gurl with whip cream and ice


MindlessPoet
Member
since 2001-04-20
Posts 106
Texas
25 posted 2001-09-07 09:44 PM


whoa.. hehe.  You did a very good job with imagery.  I would say more but it seems everyone else has already.. adios.

*TiMMYBoY*
Yeah, that's me.  The Weird One.

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