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Passions in Poetry

Smoke

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Allan Riverwood
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since 01-04-2001
Posts 4212
Winnipeg


0 posted 03-17-2001 01:14 AM       View Profile for Allan Riverwood   Email Allan Riverwood   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Allan Riverwood

The city died, one solemn night
An earthquake tore the ground below
The buildings shook, to nature's spite
I felt I had no place to go
I looked into the sky and dreamed
I tilted my head back and screamed

A different kind of death fumed high
and taught us not to be afraid
It told us that we would not die
That we would live, if we just prayed
I took the smoke for what it's worth
as I despaired for mother earth

It held my hand without its own
and chanted softly with us all
The tremble of the solid stone
of buildings, that began to fall
Our words would set no chaos right
Our ears would hear no angel's flight

But suddenly, to our surprise
the smoke around began to shine
I scarcely could believe my eyes
Assuming they were ever mine
I breathed the smoke into my chest
and coughed with glee, as all the rest

The city cried, the concrete tore
The cars and children fell and broke
and drifted, as the spoils of war
were handed out, within the smoke
And when the glowing smoke was clear
not one of us had shed a tear

I clutched my life then, like a fool
without a thought to praise the dead
I fell to knees, into a pool
of fluid, gasoline and red
I lay my face onto the ground
and in that inch of death, I drowned.

But none were watching as I breathed
the bitter gasoline and blood
And none could notice I was wreathed
within the loveless, lifeless flood
Still none would care if they had seen
they'd just ignite the gasoline



[This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (edited 03-17-2001).]
© Copyright 2001 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved
fozzyozzy
Member
since 03-15-2001
Posts 348
Lessburg Virginia


1 posted 03-17-2001 01:33 AM       View Profile for fozzyozzy   Email fozzyozzy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit fozzyozzy's Home Page   View IP for fozzyozzy

I love epic poems like this. Do you live near earthquakes or something? Awesome, just simply awesome. You can take that one moment and stretch it. You're in my library now.

"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep"
-Robert Frost
Irish Rose
Member Patricius
since 04-06-2000
Posts 10553


2 posted 03-17-2001 03:06 AM       View Profile for Irish Rose   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Irish Rose

The rhyme scheme is very, very good and this evokes a lot of imagery!

Kathleen Blake

"When red-haired girls scamper like roses over the rain-green grass,
and the sun drips honey."
Laurie Lee

Elvenblood
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since 02-17-2001
Posts 421
Maine, USA


3 posted 03-17-2001 11:05 AM       View Profile for Elvenblood   Email Elvenblood   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Elvenblood

Yes this is a really good picture you've painted here! Do more of these!

"Some men see things as they are and say why.
I dream things that never were and say why not." ~RFK

Dopey Dope
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San Juan, Puerto Rico


4 posted 03-17-2001 12:48 PM       View Profile for Dopey Dope   Email Dopey Dope   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dopey Dope

This was quite dark in the ending. I thought the scheme was perfect. I have read a few poems in this style and I absoluetly love it. Not the theme though, i thought the theme was great. It added punch to everything, very nicely written.

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Fading Away
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since 03-14-2001
Posts 4302
Lynchburg, Virginia


5 posted 03-17-2001 03:47 PM       View Profile for Fading Away   Email Fading Away   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Fading Away

Wow... I like the rhyme scheme a lot. I like epic poems too. This is a great poem. Great job.

--Marie

I never thought that you would ever be the one to let me down. I guess that just goes to show how wrong I always am.

Greeneyes617
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since 11-22-2000
Posts 335
Arkansas


6 posted 03-17-2001 04:00 PM       View Profile for Greeneyes617   Email Greeneyes617   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Greeneyes617

You did an awesome job, Allan.
Child of the Stars
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since 09-07-2000
Posts 1972
Ann Arbor, MI


7 posted 03-18-2001 06:45 PM       View Profile for Child of the Stars   Email Child of the Stars   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Child of the Stars

k.
i don't know what to say.
......
im just sitting here. staring at the screen. trying not to cry. k. ill give you a real reply later.
~Carly

"The eye sees a thing more clearly in dreams than the imagination awake."
- Leonardo da Vinci

Voiceless
Senior Member
since 02-19-2001
Posts 741
Under the stars upon the wind


8 posted 03-18-2001 10:26 PM       View Profile for Voiceless   Email Voiceless   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Voiceless

The flow of this poem is terrific!
I love how you painted the scene
to perfection as dark as it may be
A great poem..
on to the library...


~*Peachy Be*~

anonymousfemale
Member Ascendant
since 02-02-2000
Posts 6304
Limbo


9 posted 03-19-2001 11:48 AM       View Profile for anonymousfemale   Email anonymousfemale   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for anonymousfemale

You already know how much I love your CC series. If you don't, well wake the hell up.

Your pieces of writing go beyond words, Allan. This was totally awesome. Ok, that was a word but you know what I mean.

~AF~

"It is not necessary to change. Survival is not mandatory."
-W. Edwards Deming

Allan Riverwood
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since 01-04-2001
Posts 4212
Winnipeg


10 posted 03-20-2001 11:17 PM       View Profile for Allan Riverwood   Email Allan Riverwood   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allan Riverwood

Haha... thanks everyone. It was really an experiment in use of past tense as opposed to present tense. I noticed a few people using it, and it makes the story seem more "epic," as a few of you said.
Thanks once again for your praise.
~Allan

If I had your eyes, I'd be blind. For I can only see out of my own. ~~Carly Van Dort

Acies
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Twilight Zone


11 posted 03-24-2001 02:27 AM       View Profile for Acies   Email Acies   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Acies

very imaginative Allan, very imaginative

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

princess^sarah
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since 01-12-2001
Posts 137
melbourne


12 posted 03-24-2001 03:06 AM       View Profile for princess^sarah   Email princess^sarah   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for princess^sarah

i loved it
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


13 posted 03-24-2001 08:43 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

An epopee, if you well, and strong, indeed. Well done!
Lakewalker
Member Elite
since 08-05-2000
Posts 3939
On the streets w/ people


14 posted 03-24-2001 11:24 AM       View Profile for Lakewalker   Email Lakewalker   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Lakewalker

yup yup allan, it's a winner

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"
"Life's short. If you don't look around once in a while you might miss it."
BothUnknown

Ina
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since 10-09-2000
Posts 1331
Quebec, Canada


15 posted 03-25-2001 07:06 PM       View Profile for Ina   Email Ina   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Ina

great work i mean excellent! r u proud of this one?i hope so. well i liked the whole shceme. (o no the sky is gonna fall...lol) it had a backbone, very sturdy and oraganized.
regina
Isabel Galaxia
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since 06-18-2000
Posts 757


16 posted 03-25-2001 07:53 PM       View Profile for Isabel Galaxia   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Isabel Galaxia

That was amazing. Liked it much, no criticizm.

Bel
DancinQueen
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since 07-29-2000
Posts 1663
Kokomo,IN,USA


17 posted 03-25-2001 11:04 PM       View Profile for DancinQueen   Email DancinQueen   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for DancinQueen

you and your rhyme schemes

¤Sometimes the hardest thing to get over, is something you never really had¤

UnPumpkin
Junior Member
since 03-25-2001
Posts 18


18 posted 03-26-2001 01:09 AM       View Profile for UnPumpkin   Email UnPumpkin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for UnPumpkin

J'adore. it gives me chills and a warm, fuzzy feeling.
Allysa
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since 11-09-1999
Posts 2307
In an upside-down garden


19 posted 03-26-2001 08:11 AM       View Profile for Allysa   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allysa

I agree with UnPumpkin, it gives me chills and a warm fuzzy feeling. Great Job!

I wish people would stop telling me that I can do anything I want to. I never thought that I couldn't.

Life is what happens when you're making ot

anonymous albert ?
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since 03-23-2001
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20 posted 03-26-2001 02:21 PM       View Profile for anonymous albert ?   Email anonymous albert ?   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for anonymous albert ?

luv the way the poem was written
u really did a great job on it
the words came 2 life as a true life experience great poem
Crash&Burn
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since 01-18-2001
Posts 221


21 posted 03-26-2001 03:59 PM       View Profile for Crash&Burn   Email Crash&Burn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Crash&Burn

Good work I really enjoyed it. A perfect scheme and the topic defenetly catches the interest.

I see the darkness coming all is bleak...

knightlyshadows
Senior Member
since 04-14-2001
Posts 950
obscured vision


22 posted 05-31-2001 02:34 PM       View Profile for knightlyshadows   Email knightlyshadows   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for knightlyshadows

ooo this was just wowish allan! u never cease to amaze me bro. made me all toastish      yea okays i cant spell thanx for pointin it outs Zu
love ya allan *hugs*
tiff


“A single choice can build destinies,or destroy them.”

Just leave me alone and give me some space.

[This message has been edited by knightlyshadows (edited 05-31-2001).]

Marshalzu
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since 02-15-2001
Posts 4465
Lurking


23 posted 05-31-2001 02:37 PM       View Profile for Marshalzu   Email Marshalzu   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marshalzu's Home Page   View IP for Marshalzu

Well done Allan another great piece from you, You never cease to amaze me.  
Zu
SunShine913
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Member
since 08-19-2001
Posts 353
Italy but from NC


24 posted 08-26-2001 11:08 PM       View Profile for SunShine913   Email SunShine913   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit SunShine913's Home Page   View IP for SunShine913

Well thier isnt too much to say about this poem .. but i loved the pic you painted in my head.. so pretty yet...umm i dont know what word im looking for..but i loved this . it is in my libary !

*You only live once, so live it to the fullest and have fun!

*gurls are sweet, Gurls are nice, but im the gurl with whip cream and ice

 
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