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fozzyozzy
Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 336
Lessburg Virginia

0 posted 2001-03-15 10:15 PM

Radio

A gentle strum of a guitar soothes my mind
Can this waving melody calm my nerves
From this life I'm in
Along with all of its curves
There was a sweet silent serenity
In which a violin sung to me
"Graceless," it said
"If you take what is already dead
All your dreams will be swept aside."
This I heard before the violin cried
My girl, she is a colorless rainbow
All color has been taken
She has no need to grow
But we have a love song we listen to
If she could hear what I knew
To translate my transgression
Into rainbow girl's regression
How we fit is up to chance
The music in my head makes me dance.

Pick it apart for me

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

1 posted 2001-03-16 09:59 AM

Hmm... not bad. The rhymes were a bit scattered and misplaced. I thought that could have used a lot of work.
Other than that, good imagery and mood.
~Allan

If I had your eyes, I'd be blind. For I can only see out of my own. ~~Carly Van Dort

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

2 posted 2001-03-16 06:02 PM

"My girl, she is a colorless rainbow"

Wowish, that line was awesome man. I loved this poem. I thought it was pretty good cept for the random placement of ryhme.....it kind of confused me. Anyhow, i thought it rocked!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

3 posted 2001-03-16 06:43 PM

The rhyme scheme was kind of confusing, but other than that this was a nice poem. GOod job.

--Marie

I never thought that you would ever be the one to let me down. I guess that just goes to show how wrong I always am.

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

4 posted 2001-03-20 08:08 PM

I see a lot of talent in you
you too have a great way with words
I have this feeling that the poem is kinda scattered though
The point of it all is not clearly stated
Well, it may just be me

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

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