My 1st post...dont b 2 harsh

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Empty tears
Member

since 2001-03-12

Posts 64

0 posted 2001-03-12 08:15 PM

There are tears upon my pillow
they are empty tears ive cried
Because the fire that was us
Has so suddenly died

I handed you my tender heart
I thought that you would care
But the love i thought you had for me
Was never even there

There are strings upon my aching heart
Theyre all attatched to you
you tug the strings and rip my heart
with cruel things you say and do

You've cheated and you've lied to me
Proffessed love that was untrue
But no matter what you do to me
I can't stop loving you

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

1 posted 2001-03-12 08:21 PM

Quite a good first post. I thought a few lines could be revised to help the flow of the poem-- lines 12 and 14 were sylliblically off. You should perhaps try to trim them to six syllables, like most of their counterparts. That would make this poem all that much better.
Just a piece of criticism.

All in all, I thought this poem was magnificent still.
"There are strings upon my aching heart
They're all attatched to you"
I loved that part. It worked very nicely.
Welcome to Passions. And don't worry, everyone else is nicer than me.

~Allan

If I had your eyes, I'd be blind. For I can only see out of my own. ~~Carly Van Dort

[This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (edited 03-12-2001).]

Empty tears
Member

since 2001-03-12

Posts 64

2 posted 2001-03-12 08:24 PM

Thanx, i actually like criticizm(excuse spelling)better than letting me slide w/ something that isnt as good as it could be! Thanx again!

Elvenblood
Member

since 2001-02-17

Posts 409
Maine, USA

3 posted 2001-03-12 08:24 PM

Oh I'm SOOO gad I get to reply to this first!! You have a talent with words that escapes a lot of people! I look forward to reading more of your work!!

"Some men see things as they are and say why.
I dream things that never were and say why not." ~RFK

Tears of Glass
Member

since 2000-12-04

Posts 182
Physically? VA.... Mentally? I'm not quite sure

4 posted 2001-03-12 08:27 PM

WELCOME TO PASSIONS

I loved this poem. Very good first post!

*Jennifer

"My nightmare isn't fearing what I dream... It's waking up, knowing what I'll see."

DancinQueen

Senior Member

since 2000-07-29

Posts 1092
Kokomo,IN,USA

5 posted 2001-03-12 10:01 PM

WELCOME!!

Ohh this is SOO me! LOL No matter what you still love them, its like they have a hold on you or something..they could run me over with a car and id still be head over heels for them. i HATE HATE HATE it! But o well..thats life lol keep posting!

*dq

¤Sometimes the hardest thing to get over, is something you never really had¤

Kit McCallum

Administrator

Member Laureate

since 2000-04-30

Posts 14774
Ontario, Canada

6 posted 2001-03-12 10:24 PM

Welcome to Passions Empty tears!

This is a wonderful entry into our poetic haven ... a lovely first post. I hope to read more from you! (please check your e-mail for a special note)

Best wishes,
/Kit

Wicced_Witch
Member

since 2000-02-06

Posts 110
Clarksville, TN, USA

7 posted 2001-03-12 11:47 PM

Welcome to Passions!

Great first post. I loved it.

Looking forward to seeing more from you.

Steph

Angelwings
Member

since 1999-08-27

Posts 222
IL, USA

8 posted 2001-03-13 02:43 AM

Good first poem! WELCOME TO PASSIONS. May you find as much joy in it as I have!

WaitN4AnAngel
Junior Member

since 2001-03-08

Posts 37
I wish I knew where I was...

9 posted 2001-03-13 08:43 AM

Hey, this is a very good poem. The only things I would suggest is to keep your sylables the same, but other than that it is very touching.

*Me*

*If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
*A smile is a curve that straightens out a lot of things*

Silver Butterfly
Junior Member

since 2001-03-13

Posts 42
Between here and the end

10 posted 2001-03-13 09:29 AM

Hi. Good poem. The rhyme didn't seem too forced and the flow for the most part was natural. The "with cruel things you say and do" is pushing the delicate sylibical (whoops, bad spelling) balance, but it does get your point across beautifully. That verse that it was in was VERY good for a young poet. Ciao.

HappyPretender
Junior Member

since 2001-03-06

Posts 38
Prince George, VA

11 posted 2001-03-13 09:38 AM

I know how you feel. One of my ex b/f's was like that. He hurt me so bad. And altho I'm not over the hurt, I had plenty of people to help me along the way to get over him, not the hurt which I won't ever get over, but I'm done with him. One day you won't want him and you'll be through but it will take time and just give it a chance. Good luck! Keep writing...it's a good way top get things out.

<3~*Rachael*~<3
*we can't become what we need to be by remaining what we are*

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

12 posted 2001-03-13 11:45 AM

WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!!

Nice to see you join our family here in Passions for Poetry. I know you will enjoy sharing as well as reading others work. You should find everyone in here friendly too

You have expressed such emotions
simple style of writing, but the outcome is so emotional
very clear thoughts and feelings
i'm very impressed

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

13 posted 2001-03-13 07:05 PM

Welcome to Passions!
I loved this poem! I thought it was outstanding!!! Very well done and I surely hope to see more of you!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

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