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Ophelia (an attempt at a villanelle)
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Ophelia (an attempt at a villanelle) |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA 
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The pallid moon enchants and lulls. The heavy sky will soon collapse, I’m dead and cannot feel my pulse. The heavy hour-hand still stalls. It seems that ages will elapse. The pallid moon enchants and lulls. Reflected, it contains more holes Than tempting cheese on mousetraps. I’m dead and cannot feel my pulse. I hear the howling wind. It calls My name, and faucet water taps. The pallid moon enchants and lulls. The silent starry night enthralls,-- I think I love again, perhaps I’m dead and cannot feel my pulse. Toward the cheese, a mouse crawls. The metal clamp with passion snaps. The pallid moon enchants and lulls... I’m dead and cannot feel my pulse. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Andrey Kneller - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Well I think it was very good, each line and such. But I don't believe all the rhymes were really rhymes. Do you speak with an accent of some sort? I have seen a lot of foreign people rhyming words that do not, like "lulls" and "calls." Well these words don't exactly rhyme. Kind of threw the idea that this was to be a villanelle. It was still pretty good. Just a bit sloppy. ~Allan If I had your eyes, I'd be blind. For I can only see out of my own. ~~Carly Van Dort |
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
this was a good attempt at a villanelle. and i thought no one knew what they were. Regina |
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Jenn Cirrincione
since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107Fl |
Fill me in on villanelle.... I like the dead Ophelia idea tho. I always felt so terrible for that girl.  jenn "I'm a big, big, girl, in a big, big world, it's not a big, big thing if you leave me, but I do feel, that I will miss you much..." Emilia |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
nicely done here. Quite creative!! I thought it was well done, not as good as some of the others, but for the most part it was done quite well.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
Brilliantly done, this form is hard to pull off at the best of times, getting across the message while doing it is even more difficult. You managed both, though I’d suggest you look at these lines: Than tempting cheese on mousetraps. Toward the cheese, a mouse crawls. Than tempting cheese upon mousetraps. Towards the cheese, a small mouse crawls. Or something similar seems to scan better. The rhymes sound fine to me, with or without my accent, I’d leave them be. Thanks for the chance to read and reply Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. |
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jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair |
first off, shutup Allan.. dont mean to be rude but your such a perfectionist! this is one of the most incredible poems i have ever read here.. it was brilliant the repetitions and reoccuring events just mind boggled me... bravo... AWESOME JOB! JR "War, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing!" - Edwin Starr |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Pardon me while I pick my jaw up off the floor.  Sensational piece of writing once again Master. Make sure you try this style more often. It is something that I could really start to love reading from you. Keep up the great work.  ~AF~ "To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!" Homer Simpson |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
An explanation of the poem would be nice Master. I'll admit that I'm a little lost on this one Thanks "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S. |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
An explanation: Ophelia is a character from Shakespeare's Hamlet, who went mad after she found out that Hamlet killed her father and committed suicide by drowning herself. The line "I'm dead and cannot feel my pulse" suggestes that she was dead long before she drowned herself. The moon in the poem is compared to the cheese on a mousetrap... The reflection of the moon attracts her to the water, but it's only a mirage and she drows. "The metal clamp with passion snaps" re-establishes the moon-mousetrap metaphor. I hope that clears it up... |
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Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
Brilliant Master, simply brilliant. I caught on to some of your metaphors, but having them all explained just reinforces how well thought out and well executed this is. I am impressed, you have phenomenal talent!  *Krista Knutson* "Can't run fast enough Can't hide I can't fly I'm struggling with the limits of this ordinary life..." ~Tracy Chapman |
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