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Timeless Darkness
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Timeless Darkness |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
I decided to try doing what Jeremy did with his sonnets, IE not using any particular sonnet form or meter, but staying with the 10 syllables and the 14 lines. Hope you like this one. Timeless seething darkness awaiting light From some distant and unknown world or place, Never to gain that love or see that face, Being alone in a realm without sight, Coalesces into some form and plight And turns into a man, the human race. A world forms, and all fight with gun and mace, Fighting for land and coin, killing on sight. Painfully, all comes to a bitter end, Dying dying dying, forced to fend For yourself, falling falling; make amends. Loose ends tie up and darkness fails again. Form falls to formlessness; try again... We will be successful sometime, but when? "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" -- Magus |
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| © Copyright 2001 fractal007 - All Rights Reserved | |||
Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I liked this.....I thought it was well done. All these sonnets......geesh....hehe Well you did good on it.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Repetitions... hmm... Well I got a mixed reaction to the repetitions you used. First reaction, the pessimist I am, was that it was a lazy way to fill up the 10 syll lines. Second reaction was when I tried reading it ignoring the 10-syll restrictions. Made them seem like they belonged... like it was bringing more attention to the word you repeated. Well, the whole thing overall was good. Don't change a thing, just wanted to rant a bit.  See you around. ~Allan Stupidity makes the world go around...and people like us laugh. ~~Elizabeth, to Allan |
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jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair |
First off Im flattered... And unlike Allan, I loved the repetition!! What a marvelous job you did.. I really enjoyed seeing another sonnet in here, altho you used a different rhyme scheme.. very well done bro: "Dying dying dying, forced to fend For yourself, falling falling; make amends." JR "War, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing!" - Edwin Starr |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Allan: On repetitions, I'm not that cheap. I might use a wierd word in a place if I can't think of a better one, but repetitions of the nature I used here are for a reason. Firstly, the poem is meant to be read in a very solemn tone. The repetitions are meant to convey an almost hellish misery. They are meant to portray the "human predicament" as dragging on and on. PS: LOL, I thought you were going to complain about my enjambments again, hehehe Jeremy: Glad you liked it. I think I should start mutating classical forms more often, lol. I must confess, though, that this probably was not the great poem I'd originally started out to write. This is most evident in the fact that the rhymes are of little significance other than to conform to the rhyme scheme. They do not remind the reader of the preceding line as much as I'd hoped they would. Dopey: Glad you thought I did a good job. "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" -- Magus |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Don't get me wrong! I said FIRST TIME AROUND it seemed like that. After reading it a second time through, I realized that it belonged. Sorry if you misinterpereted me there!  I've been working with ten-syll lines in the songs in my CC series lately. I know it isn't easy!! And I applaud this poem. It is very well done! The repetitions are GOOD things! I never meant to imply anything else. Just was speaking my mind honestly, as you have always asked of me. ~Allan Stupidity makes the world go around...and people like us laugh. ~~Elizabeth, to Allan |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Allan: I apologize if I misenterpretted you. Yes, the ten sylable lines are quite difficult. I have often found any longer constraint like that to be quite difficult. I think your effort on the CC series is quite good though. "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" -- Magus |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
As i've told JD I'd tell you the same W.S. meet Fractal Fractal meet W.S.  "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S. |
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Angel in Flight Member
since 2001-01-07
Posts 381 |
WOW!!! This had a very powerful meaning for me. (personal reasons) Wonderfully done, my friend, Into the library you go. Great job. The law of harvest is to reap more than you sow.Sow a habit and you reap a character.Sow a character and you reap a destiny |
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