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| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Silent |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Owing my allegiance to no one cause Striking all in newfound anger and rage Obeying no statute, custom or clause Serving all - there at the turn of a page At my own whim, I can inflict an age of pain and death Call upon my services at your own risk - I am death What will I do next? You will have to watch and see But do not tempt me "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" -- Magus |
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| © Copyright 2001 fractal007 - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Lovely! Too bad you replied to mine, or you could boast this as "Post #666."  Now the poem was excellent but I have a suggestion... your repitition of the word "death" seemed a tad lazy. Perhaps revise this part? There are plenty of good words like "breath." and if you really get stuck, just check out http://www.rhymer.com Quite a nifty tool that I use often.  Aside from that, the poem had a great mood to it. The title was absolutely wonderful, and the senryu at the end summed it all up nicely. Very well done, my friend. ~Allan Stupidity makes the world go around...and people like us laugh. ~~Elizabeth, to Allan [This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (edited 03-05-2001).] |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Allan: I will try to revamp this one. I was actually thinking of writing a post about the end of the world or something, for my 666th post. However, I didn't realize that I'd posted 667 just then, until I rechecked the post for the last time... In fact, I decided I try that just after I posted your reply. Maybe I saw the number subconsciously... lol "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" -- Magus |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Hey frac, I thought that this was another great poem. I think the double DEATH thing should be looked at, it did give an effect though......so you might decide that it's best to keep it the way it is. Nicely done.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
I like it as it is yes, the double death gave the poem it's own being you're very talented keep sharing "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S. |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Acire: Thankyou for the compliments. I am indeed still trying to figure something out for the death thing. Candidates include changing it and leaving it, LOL. Pretty broad range, eh? Dopey: You've characterized my internal dilemma well. I think I will leave this post for a while and see what other people have to say about it. Then I might repost an edited version.... "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" -- Magus |
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DancinQueen
since 2000-07-29
Posts 1092Kokomo,IN,USA |
great poem as usual  Keep it up*dq  ¤Sometimes the hardest thing to get over, is something you never really had¤ |
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Tears of Glass Member
since 2000-12-04
Posts 182Physically? VA.... Mentally? I'm not quite sure |
Awesome poem! I love your work... Keep posting. *Jennifer "My nightmare isn't fearing what I dream... It's waking up, knowing what I'll see." |
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jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair |
WOW ur best yet... it seemed a bit rebellious no? kinda like anarchy almost but not quite.. more of a non-conformity type thing? well it simply left me blank WOW!! JR When my life dims to a perish, it will become a quote in itself... |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Jeremy: This is in fact a poem about non conformity. It represents[although exagerates] my feelings whenever I get into debates regarding social issues. I am religious, but owe my allegiance to no Christian denomination. I sorta just side with whoever has a good point at the time, whether it be the atheists, the existentialists or the Christians. So I sorta rumble about crashing any fundamental closed minded ideals. This mentality of mine started when I started debating atheists on the internet and learning about the different distortions that my religion has been involved in. However, I still felt that I loved my God, and went into an emotional turmoil. This continued to evolve, until finally I became this monster, lol. Since every social group has somebody that's trying to screw me over, I just figure I'll go it alone. "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" -- Magus [This message has been edited by fractal007 (edited 03-07-2001).] |
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