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Teen Poetry #4
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jeremydraul
Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118
State of Despair

0 posted 2001-03-04 11:23 AM


‘Embedded Signal’

Down below the white lacy snow
Determines whether I’ll be tender
For rain and snow, I’ll let you know
It’s harsh render makes days slender

On top mountains nor in the fountains
You’ll find that certain implement sign
It lurks unknowingly, stirring so flowingly
Breathing a disguise to focus our eyes

A lavender coat, like that of a throat
‘Tis it’s color hue over time is accrue
Later in life, it’s stabs like a knife
Coming to you, soaking you through

Believe not fables, just turn the tables
Admire the light side, it’s near your stride
You know of ables, and loving stables
So just abide, leave no efforts to hide

Jeremy D Raulinaitis



When my life dims to a perish, it will become a quote in itself...

[This message has been edited by jeremydraul (edited 03-05-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 Jeremy Daniel Raulinaitis - All Rights Reserved
Isabel Galaxia
Senior Member
since 2000-06-18
Posts 733

1 posted 2001-03-04 11:26 AM


Hey, wow, this is great. Not sure what else to say so I wont say anything..

Bel


"And you're my obsession
I love you to the bones
And Ana wrecks your life
Like an anorexia life"
- "Ana's Song", Silverchair

Child of the Stars
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658
Ann Arbor, MI
2 posted 2001-03-04 01:18 PM


Jer, this flowed sooo well and had such a good message..well at least the one I got from it..heh...Keep writing, kay? And don't forget to smile.
~Carly

"The eye sees a thing more clearly in dreams than the imagination awake."
- Leonardo da Vinci

Allan Riverwood
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502
Winnipeg
3 posted 2001-03-04 01:28 PM


Yeah, this was very neat. What an interesting and original format to employ.
Mind if I steal this format from you to try myself?
It looks very challenging. I could use a challenge to get me to dust myself off and get back into writing decently like I used to.
It looks like it is very tough, but I saw a few lines in here that could have been better, had you taken more time with them.
I'm sure you know which ones you slacked off on though. So I won't point it out.
Don't let this critique get you down! I think this is a marvelous piece and, due to its nature and format, it is going to the library!
~Allan

Stupidity makes the world go around...and people like us laugh. ~~Elizabeth, to Allan


Dopey Dope
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico
4 posted 2001-03-04 03:32 PM


I thought this was a great format jer!!! Very well done here, wowish!!
I love the syle of it all.....I hope to see some more of this.



I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

fractal007
Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958

5 posted 2001-03-04 06:02 PM


Jeremy:

This was quite an impressive poem. Technically it was probably the best I've read of you yet. I loved the combination of internal and interlocking rhyme. Quite an impressive feat.

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

Raven Skye
Member
since 2001-03-03
Posts 112
.In a House.
6 posted 2001-03-04 06:13 PM


Format sormat...who cares!! This poem kicked major booty! Keep writing!! Keep writing!!



*×´¨`·.×*Raven Skye*×´¨`·.×*
There's nothing I want more to take than the only thing that they won't let me take... my life. ~Bel

Acies
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665
Twilight Zone
7 posted 2001-03-04 11:02 PM


seems like everyone already has said all the praises...good job as usuall JD. keep em coming

"So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S.

DreadedLiver
Member
since 2001-01-23
Posts 56
Alter, Ego
8 posted 2001-03-05 12:24 PM


hey hey
thanks a lot everyone, im glad you liked it... i did just change one word... stables instead of cables, this format was really tough... oh well thanks again

Jeremy

"The *bump for jeremydraul's work, hahaha!!"


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