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Teen Poetry #4
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Perfect Friend
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Perfect Friend |
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Chel Senior Member
since 2000-07-01
Posts 511Baltimore, MD, USA |
she was standing there, under that sky, picking up some flowers, her body like sheer satin floating through the wild flowers; in a perfect cloud she looked at the sky she danced forward high on her tiptoes; behind the tree through weeds, flowers, over pebbles' to the water spot, she tiptoed like a flower like a seed like a perfect friend I know that this isnt going to make sense, but I had just wanted to say that it was an English assignment. I had gotten a good grade, so I thought I might share it. I hope you guys like it. Chel "True friends stab you in the front" "Never say 'I Love You' unless you mean it" |
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| © Copyright 2001 Michelle Y. Plocinik - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Hey, I thought this was neat. You probably perplexed your English teacher into giving you a good grade.  Hehe... only kidding. The three similies at the end were a nice effect. Very different. -Allan The unintelligent are merely tools for the intelligent. That would make my house a veritable toolshed. ~~Allan Riverwood |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
CHel: I'm with Allan. The heavy use of simile in this poem provides for some pretty good images. Keep up the good work. As far as critiques are concerned, you might like to try a more structured format, perhaps something that centers around the descriptions, or else the actions of the main character. |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
I can see the reason why you got a good grade I guess these two guys before me have explained it already you narrated it real well too thanks for the read keep sharing "So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S. |
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jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair |
AWESOME, i love nature poems.... its my specialty! And yours too I see... I loved: "her body like sheer satin" - good similie JR When life dims to a perish, my life will become a quote in itself... |
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HiddenSparklez Member
since 2000-12-29
Posts 190British Columbia, Canada |
I thought it was a good poem for an English class. Great use of similies as well. Maybe more adjectives?? I dunno... just a thought.  "You do what you do, you say what you say, you try to be everything to everyone... come on now, do that stupid dance for me" -Everclear |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
What a wonderful tribute to your best friend.......show it to her!!!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
I like this one a lot, good job on it Please visit my webpage: http://lakewalker.homestead.com/index.html |
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Chel Senior Member
since 2000-07-01
Posts 511Baltimore, MD, USA |
I want to thank all of you for responding to my poems. I was debating on whether to post it or not, and after I chose to do so, I am very glad that I did. I have taken your critisism to heart and want you all to know that I was just doing an assignment, and maybe someday I will be able to do what you have asked of me. Until then keep up your own good works. Thank you again. Chel "True friends stab you in the front" "Never say 'I Love You' unless you mean it" |
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Erin Member Elite
since 2000-06-15
Posts 2527~Chicago~ |
Chel~ You've done a great job on this one and I dont know why you would not want to post it. You have painted a perfect picture of this poem. Keep it up girl!!! People leave our lives as quickly as they come, but the ones that mean something leave footprints in our hearts. |
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