»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #4
»
Corgans Noitaripsni
| Teen Poetry #4 |
|
Corgans Noitaripsni |
|
Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico 
|
Corgans Noitaripsni: A pinned down youth along the board walk. The light that bades you to come out and talk. Florescent mistress weeping years away. The thought that love could forever stay. Lusting flowers soil turned bad. Heavens raindrops totally gone mad. River boat current coming from within. Blistered up chaos coming from my skin. Torrential wind blowing up on the wall. Happiness is all that I've ever called. Shattered windows from a hard thought. Knight of true love I often saught. Shaken down beauty, worry yourself around. Running down beach shores with a lonely frown. Silver swan come only to give. Life goes on, so you mine as well just live.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
||
| © Copyright 2001 Pepe de la Muerte - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Not bad, Dopes. I have a few things to critique. First thing is the syllable count. It was uneven in a few places, try to be a bit more strict with yourself on this. Second thing is the first two lines of Stanza 3. I know you probably smacked your own forehead over that one already, but in my opinion if you can't get the lines to rhyme properly you should either revise the lines themselves, or get out a thesaurus and find an easier word to rhyme with. Hey, I'm being evil, right? Well someone has to compensate for San's absence. ~_^ Pretty good poem, Dopes. Just those two things were bothering me. Keep sharing. -Allan The unintelligent are merely tools for the intelligent. That would make my house a veritable toolshed. ~~Allan Riverwood |
||
LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
Dopey, this is a great piece, other than the little things that Allan has already pointed out. I LOVE the title, thanks for explaining it! Thanks for sharing!  "Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli |
||
|
jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair |
Uhm in reply to allans thoughts... You DONT need to have all the same syllables, you can do whatever you wanna do... and second... called and wall are very close to rhyming, i didnt even notice.. nice one dopey, i really liked it a lot! i love the descriptions you give JR When life dims to a perish, my life will become a quote in itself... |
||
|
Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
Nicely written Javier! Great contrast in your sentiments ... very descriptive. Well done and a great concluding message! PS ... I often use wall/called type rhyming ... as long as the flow is there, I feel it can work without notice (and just a curiosity question ... just wanting to understand the title, LOL)  Nice work! Best wishes, /Kit |
||
|
Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
great write Dopes maybe you should try free verse next time i already know you'd be awesome with it So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S. |
||
|
Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Thanks acire hehe......free verse....I've done it.....maybe..... Well Kit....the title.....Corgans Noitaripsni..... Reverse Noitaripsni...... Corgans.....referring to Billy Corgan, lead singer of the Smashing Pumpkins....he's my idol. I wrote the poem in a style he writes in. One of his songs named "Stumbeline" is written like this...and I wrote the poem while hearing the song.....so it's Corgans Inspiration...... I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
