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Teen Poetry #4
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The Past
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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The Past |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
This is based on the "prophetic" ideas that I've been having for a story about this civilization I am developing. In this particular poem, a woman over 8000 years before present day[at least present day in the time frame of the poem] is in a deep sleep, having visions of the ultimate judgement of her planet. She sees images like the insane and terrifying brightness of Matter - Antimatter bombs being detonated, and hears cries that she'd swear were coming from tortured people in the room with her. And then, in the future portion of the poem, the prohpesy begins to be fulfilled in some sense or another, perhaps by some distant atomic explosion kicking up dust into the sky... Anyhow, I hope you like it. Sorry for the long explanation. I just don't want anybody to get this one wrong, since I came up with the idea while sick with a cold early in the morning, lol. It made for a rather interesting series of "visions" in my conjested head, LOL. Finally, as for style naming, I guess this would be called "apocalyptic poetry" or something like that... The Past The woman lay asleep upon her bed, Her mind a mess of dreams of terror bright. Can you hear those cries? They etch the soul like daggers, Cleaning innocence. The woman hears them right beside her head, She sees the earth come up and snatch souls right From bodies frail and tired of war so bright. All falls to darkness It plunges into dispair And all is now lost. The woman woke that day from sleep so deep. The one who has three eyes stands now above, Still trusting her with secrets now to keep. Future A boy of courage A boy of great valiance Now sits on his car. He idly watches the stars as They hold in their places above. He thinks back to those texts he has, And turns and asks his darling love, "Do you think that ancient word Is true, or is it all absurd?" His love, the girl of wonderous Courage and might, turns to him and Says, "It might be some monsterous Stunt from some great silly fool's hand." She pauses, he pauses, they gaze At the sky, bright and free of haze. She points to a moon. "Look! Look at that bizarre thing!" A white moon now red. They both hold each other's hands as Star by star, moon by moon, the lights Of the sky disappear one by one.... |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! This rocked completely!!!!! Your mind is so imaginative, bravo man bravo!!!!!!!! I loved this......i loved the ending...very very very well done. Such a wonderful tale....the explanation did it for me cuz I wouldn't have gotten it otherwise. nicely done here frac!!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
I officially hate you. It's not fair for you to be writing this good.  I agree with Dopey, your imagination is amazing. and in the end we still pretend the time we spend not knowing when we're finally free and you could be -NIN "The Wretched" Angel of Darkness |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Dopey: Thankyou for the compliments. I am glad that this one worked out. I wrote it rather early in the morning, like at about 2 AM. Dark Enchantress: Thankyou also for the compliments. I am glad that you both find my imagination to be good. Thankyou both. |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
THIS IS OUTSTANDING!!!!! I lost myself while reading it. Well done on the Senryus! You really are improving. ~REALLY~ this is the perfect poem. Library! Here you go. -Allan When the sun dies, and the earth is thrown off its axis, the two of us will still, at that moment, be thinking of one another. ~~Allan, to Amanda |
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jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair |
definately on of ur best... i really enjoyed all the description, nice format as usual Jeremy Life is fading me away, far away, but I’m sketching myself back, line by line, mark by mark. |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Allan: I am glad you think this is an improvement. I took your advice on separate ideas in senryu to heart, and tried to make them do this. The technique on my part still has its holes, but if this bears any good information then I am improving. Jeremy: I am glad you liked this one. It seems I write best early in the morning, lol. |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
i agree with the rest this piece does capture one's imagination probably my favorite of your so far thanks for sharing So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, So long lives this, and this give life to thee." W.S. |
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