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Teen Poetry #4
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Carousel Emotion
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Carousel Emotion |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico 
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Carousel Emotion Circular motion lost in thought. Emotional rollercoaster hell. Killing off a love I fought. Not for bad, but for well. Never finishing what we start. We're trapped in this carousel. Not the mending, but scab of heart. I tried to stand but fell. Hoping to break out of this I'd make your life gleam, But still we're trapped in hated bliss. That life is but a dream.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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| © Copyright 2001 Pepe de la Muerte - All Rights Reserved | |||
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HiddenSparklez Member
since 2000-12-29
Posts 190British Columbia, Canada |
I thought it was a good poem. Your comparison to a carousel was a good idea too!  "You do what you do, you say what you say, you try to be everything to everyone... come on now, do that stupid dance for me" -Everclear |
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jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair |
yah thumbs up to your ideas.. very very good. I really hope you get over this situation, it seems to be diminishing you.. but your writing keep on truckin' JeremY "I believe that man will not merely endure: he will prevail. -William Faulkner (Noble Prize Speech.) |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Javi, its great to see your name on that list again. Second stanza was my favorite. I don't really know how to critique it... Carousels always seem so happy, so light...but you made them sound like hell. Terrific creativity you have. Thank you, for posting..It means a lot to me. Well please please..don't stop sharing. ~Carly "Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy." (Nora Ephron) |
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Tears of Glass Member
since 2000-12-04
Posts 182Physically? VA.... Mentally? I'm not quite sure |
Wow... This is amazing! I especially love your creativity in the way you compared it to a carousel. I didn't see anything to critique Fabulous poem.. Keep it up.*Jennifer "My nightmare isn't fearing what I dream... It's waking up, knowing what I'll see." |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
nice to see you posting again what happened to your pic? where's your buddy San? you've got great ideas for poems And I'd like to see you post more again I see no changes, wake up in the morning I ask myself, "Is life worth living or should I blast myself" TUPAC SHAKUR |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
I can really relate to this one. We often begin what we never finish, and spin around it emotionally, like a carousel. Hated bliss... I can see how this could be a true concept. Critiques... Well, I could say that you don't pay enough attention to sylliblic organization. It can be just as important as rhyme in most cases, and improves the flow. I would have been a bit more sylliblically organized in this piece. Although, that could alter the feeling. Just my nosy opinion. Overall, a good poem. Nice to see you posting again. -Allan When the sun dies, and the earth is thrown off its axis, the two of us will still, at that moment, be thinking of one another. ~~Allan, to Amanda |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
This sounds a lot like the morbid discussions I've been having in the philosophy forum. I like it a lot. It's yet another poem that is advocating the necessity for us all to do something with our lives. Your rhyme scheme was well-orchestrated. The only problem was the rhyming in the second stanza, with carrousel and fell. I don't really have too many suggestions for you on that one, but I will get back to you if I have any insight. |
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Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
"Basically critique everything. I need to get better." But I don't know how to critique! But I did like this one, it could be better from you though. "Disagreements stimulate thought, thought stimulates action, and action stimulates life." --Lakewalker http://www.thehungersite.com |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
Well what am I supposed to say? I'm not very good with constructive criticism. I don't think it was your best, but I still liked it. I thought you expressed yourself very well and creatively in this poem. Just keep writing from your soul, you'll get to where you're trying to get to soon enough.  I am no one if not myself. Angel of Darkness [This message has been edited by Dark Enchantress (edited 02-12-2001).] |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Well hey allan you are completely right about what you said. Thing is.....i do not know how to work with the syllables, never was good at that and stuff. Help me out or something? Thanks all about what you said.....means a lot. I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
Dopey, for some reason the last line made me think of row row row your boat. ya know that song, we all used to sing back when we were innocent little angels~ (ha! I was never an angel, always caught with my hand in the cookie jar) but im off topic. Anyways, this is really sweet (meaning awesome, not cute and lovely) and I like it. bye. I wish people would stop telling me that I can do anything I want to. I never thought that I couldn't. |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Ohhhhh yea hehe....yea I can see how it'd remind you of row row row yer boat. hahaha..... very cool. I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Javier, wow. I could fully relate to this person. Reading a piece like this brings everything back to the surface. Damn you!!!  I do like the concept of a carousel. It's such a childlike image that not many people think to associate with life. Well done crazy boy. You've done the world proud with this.  ~AF~ If this is all the world has to offer, I want a refund on my life. |
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sleepymoongirl Member
since 2001-04-19
Posts 157bc canada |
i hope that you work out whatever problems might have led to this one. i alwayz enjoy reading your poems i hope to read more =D as u go in life there will be ur hardships it is up to u if it makes u or breaks u. |
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