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Passions in Poetry

Carousel Emotion

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Dopey Dope
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since 08-30-2000
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San Juan, Puerto Rico


0 posted 02-10-2001 11:48 PM       View Profile for Dopey Dope   Email Dopey Dope   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Dopey Dope

Carousel Emotion

Circular motion lost in thought.
Emotional rollercoaster hell.
Killing off a love I fought.
Not for bad, but for well.

Never finishing what we start.
We're trapped in this carousel.
Not the mending, but scab of heart.
I tried to stand but fell.

Hoping to break out of this
I'd make your life gleam,
But still we're trapped in hated bliss.
That life is but a dream.





I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily
© Copyright 2001 Pepe de la Muerte - All Rights Reserved
HiddenSparklez
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since 12-29-2000
Posts 191
British Columbia, Canada


1 posted 02-11-2001 01:11 AM       View Profile for HiddenSparklez   Email HiddenSparklez   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for HiddenSparklez

I thought it was a good poem. Your comparison to a carousel was a good idea too!  

"You do what you do, you say what you say, you try to be everything to everyone... come on now, do that stupid dance for me" -Everclear
jeremydraul
Senior Member
since 08-01-2000
Posts 1126
State of Despair


2 posted 02-11-2001 01:31 AM       View Profile for jeremydraul   Email jeremydraul   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for jeremydraul

yah thumbs up to your ideas.. very very good. I really hope you get over this situation, it seems to be diminishing you.. but your writing keep on truckin'

JeremY


"I believe that man will not merely endure: he will prevail. -William Faulkner (Noble Prize Speech.)
Child of the Stars
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since 09-07-2000
Posts 1972
Ann Arbor, MI


3 posted 02-11-2001 02:00 PM       View Profile for Child of the Stars   Email Child of the Stars   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Child of the Stars

   Javi, its great to see your name on that list again. Second stanza was my favorite. I don't really know how to critique it... Carousels always seem so happy, so light...but you made them sound like hell. Terrific creativity you have. Thank you, for posting..It means a lot to me. Well please please..don't stop sharing.
  ~Carly


"Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy." (Nora Ephron)
Tears of Glass
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since 12-04-2000
Posts 186
Physically? VA.... Mentally? I


4 posted 02-11-2001 02:14 PM       View Profile for Tears of Glass   Email Tears of Glass   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Tears of Glass

Wow... This is amazing!  I especially love your creativity in the way you compared it to a carousel.  I didn't see anything to critique    Fabulous poem.. Keep it up.

*Jennifer

"My nightmare isn't fearing what I dream... It's waking up, knowing what I'll see."
Acies
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Twilight Zone


5 posted 02-12-2001 09:20 AM       View Profile for Acies   Email Acies   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Acies

nice to see you posting again
what happened to your pic?
where's your buddy San?
you've got great ideas for poems
And I'd like to see you post more again

I see no changes, wake up in the morning I ask myself, "Is life worth living or should I blast myself" TUPAC SHAKUR


Allan Riverwood
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since 01-04-2001
Posts 4212
Winnipeg


6 posted 02-12-2001 11:39 AM       View Profile for Allan Riverwood   Email Allan Riverwood   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allan Riverwood

I can really relate to this one.  We often begin what we never finish, and spin around it emotionally, like a carousel.  Hated bliss... I can see how this could be a true concept.
Critiques... Well, I could say that you don't pay enough attention to sylliblic organization.  It can be just as important as rhyme in most cases, and improves the flow.  I would have been a bit more sylliblically organized in this piece.  Although, that could alter the feeling.  Just my nosy opinion.
Overall, a good poem.  Nice to see you posting again.
-Allan

When the sun dies, and the earth is thrown off its axis, the two of us will still, at that moment, be thinking of one another. ~~Allan, to Amanda
fractal007
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since 06-01-2000
Posts 2032


7 posted 02-12-2001 11:47 AM       View Profile for fractal007   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for fractal007

This sounds a lot like the morbid discussions I've been having in the philosophy forum.  I like it a lot.  It's yet another poem that is advocating the necessity for us all to do something with our lives.

Your rhyme scheme was well-orchestrated.  The only problem was the rhyming in the second stanza, with carrousel and fell.  I don't really have too many suggestions for you on that one, but I will get back to you if I have any insight.
Lakewalker
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since 08-05-2000
Posts 3939
On the streets w/ people


8 posted 02-12-2001 02:18 PM       View Profile for Lakewalker   Email Lakewalker   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Lakewalker

"Basically critique everything. I need to get better."

But I don't know how to critique!  But I did like this one, it could be better from you though.

"Disagreements stimulate thought, thought stimulates action, and action stimulates life." --Lakewalker
http://www.thehungersite.com
Dark Enchantress
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since 07-27-99
Posts 1460
meet Morgana


9 posted 02-12-2001 03:07 PM       View Profile for Dark Enchantress   Email Dark Enchantress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Dark Enchantress's Home Page   View IP for Dark Enchantress

Well what am I supposed to say? I'm not very good with constructive criticism. I don't think it was your best, but I still liked it. I thought you expressed yourself very well and creatively in this poem. Just keep writing from your soul, you'll get to where you're trying to get to soon enough.

I am no one if not myself.

Angel of Darkness




[This message has been edited by Dark Enchantress (edited 02-12-2001).]
Dopey Dope
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10 posted 02-12-2001 08:08 PM       View Profile for Dopey Dope   Email Dopey Dope   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dopey Dope

Well hey allan you are completely right about what you said. Thing is.....i do not know how to work with the syllables, never was good at that and stuff. Help me out or something?

Thanks all about what you said.....means a lot.



I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily
Allysa
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since 11-09-1999
Posts 2307
In an upside-down garden


11 posted 02-13-2001 02:16 PM       View Profile for Allysa   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allysa

Dopey, for some reason the last line made me think of row row row your boat. ya know that song, we all used to sing back when we were innocent little angels~ (ha! I was never an angel, always caught with my hand in the cookie jar) but im off topic. Anyways, this is really sweet (meaning awesome, not cute and lovely) and I like it. bye.

I wish people would stop telling me that I can do anything I want to. I never thought that I couldn't.

Dopey Dope
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San Juan, Puerto Rico


12 posted 02-13-2001 02:58 PM       View Profile for Dopey Dope   Email Dopey Dope   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dopey Dope

Ohhhhh yea hehe....yea I can see how it'd remind you of row row row yer boat.
hahaha.....
very cool.



I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily
anonymousfemale
Member Ascendant
since 02-02-2000
Posts 6304
Limbo


13 posted 12-28-2001 10:28 AM       View Profile for anonymousfemale   Email anonymousfemale   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for anonymousfemale

Javier, wow. I could fully relate to this person. Reading a piece like this brings everything back to the surface. Damn you!!!

I do like the concept of a carousel. It's such a childlike image that not many people think to associate with life. Well done crazy boy. You've done the world proud with this.

~AF~

If this is all the world has to offer, I want a refund on my life.

sleepymoongirl
Member
since 04-19-2001
Posts 166
bc canada


14 posted 02-07-2002 12:57 AM       View Profile for sleepymoongirl   Email sleepymoongirl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for sleepymoongirl

i hope that you work out whatever problems might have led to this one.  i alwayz enjoy reading your poems i hope to read more =D

as u go in life there will be ur hardships it is up to u if it makes u or breaks u.  

 
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