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Teen Poetry #4
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Dreams of Wakefulness[Contrast Poem]
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Dreams of Wakefulness[Contrast Poem] |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
This is a new style that I've been working on, in which stanzas, or else the poem itself, consists of 10 lines. The first five lines talk about either a good idea or great dream, or else something that is awful, and then the next five lines describe the complete opposite of the first five. For example, a great dream or idea, and then the harsh reality. Close one's eyes and drift to sleep. See faces drift by, both happy and sad, See the sadness turn to anger, then wrath. Think on these things, think you are mad. Tell the face you are its god, follow not its path. Watch the face hang there in some strange abyss. Hear the abomination say, "I am your God." Watch in horror as spiritual things form in your brain. Agree with the thing when it says you are some sod, Convinced of your own imortality, but also insane. The insides say more about the outside than anyone. You could have sworn that thing was outside, But now it crawls on the surface of your mind. From your own dilusions go now and run and hide. Into the truth step and watch yourself grind As some gear in a clock that's forgotten itself. Awaken within yourself all that is human and you. Arise from dreams of self deception, and make For yourself a life that shines and makes a hue Of love and purpose in a world living for its own sake. |
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Neokrew Member
since 2000-12-24
Posts 60VA |
Hey, Too deep for me *shrugs* you know I am kinda slow when it comes to poems I am computer ""nerd"" as someone might say *glares at someone* well it was written nice. --Neo |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Wow... this is great. Looks like something you and I talked about earlier... i love the new format, I'll give it a try later today myself. "Watch the face hang there in some strange abyss. Hear the abomination say, "I am your God." Watch in horror as spiritual things form in your brain. Agree with the thing when it says you are some sod, Convinced of your own imortality, but also insane." So many have followed this path it is saddening. Great lines, I loved these ones especially. I'll get back to you, man. Keep up the good work. -Allan We used to hate people, now we just make fun of them. It's more effective that way. --KMFDM |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
Well, I understood it and I thought a lot about it afterwards, which is a good thing.  I actually relate to it really well. It kind of came as a slap in the face for me, an awakening, Thank you. Truly excellent poem! The format is great! I am no one if not myself. Angel of Darkness |
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jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair |
To be honest... the style was creative and eccentric, but this was not your best writing. Maybe I am missing something here, care to enlighten me? JeremY "I believe that man will not merely endure: he will prevail. -William Faulkner (Noble Prize Speech.) |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I didn't think this was your best piece, but the idea was nice. I am going to have to say that you using the word "thing" to describe what was in your mind and such wasn't something I liked......personally within a poem I would say what it is....whether it be a concrete montser or an abstract thought....regardless it's good to let the reader know what it is......or if not....i'd use some other word......the word THING just doesn't do it for me. But yea that's a personal opinion. Anyway, the poem was generally good. Keep posting here frac! much love  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Thanks all, for the compliments. For those who didn't quite understand it, it was a poem about the human archetypes that can often be confused with Gods or other supernatural figures. This poem doesn't necessarily go to disprove the existence of God. It is more along the lines of getting people to get real instead of trying to follow religious dogma to the dot and T in order to please something that mankind has had a great part in making up. Dopey_Dope: The thing part was mostly used to convey a sense of abstract. I did not want to create a concrete monster for this poem anymore than I wanted to create a concrete god. So I used thing instead, to make it so that it was not too specific. That way more people would understand and relate to the concept a little better. Dark Enchantress: I am glad that you can relate to this poem. It is a somewhat autobiographical poem that depicts the recent change in thoughts regarding religion and spirituality for me. |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
you have talent, no doubt about that your works have amazed me a lot one thing though, sometimes it doesn't hurt to include simplicity in a poem thanks for the read I see no changes, wake up in the morning I ask myself, "Is life worth living or should I blast myself" TUPAC SHAKUR |
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