»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #4
»
Pelletal Stream
| Teen Poetry #4 |
|
Pelletal Stream |
|
|
jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair 
|
First off, why isnt anyone posting anymore. It seems that more and more people are signing up and no one is posting. Continue to reply and post please! ‘Pelletal Stream’ Eyes deprive of disclosure, Stemming from wrong; Drip, drop, drip, drop… Pellets fall to my cheek. Hands ticked a long time, Since pellets fell; Splish, splash, splish, splash… A mirror of water. Infamy! for your quarrel, That’s caused pelletal streams; But oh, your just joshing, That’s a dark-side of the face. Blah! to your fibbing, Making my dreams nightmares; Faded dungarees of memories, No longer exclaim inside... For that, I congratulate you; And thank you for my depression. Jeremy Raulinaitis "I believe that man will not merely endure: he will prevail. -William Faulkner (Noble Prize Speech.) [This message has been edited by jeremydraul (edited 02-08-2001).] |
||
| © Copyright 2001 Jeremy Daniel Raulinaitis - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Jeremy, this is wonderful. The usage of words like drip, drop and splish, splash really amplify the piece. It gives it that added element of depth. And I DO post. It is actually a good thing when I don't write because it means I am happy.  Another nice one.  ~AF~ "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." Buddha |
||
Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
you have defenitely grown with your poetry One thing though, The poem captured my full attention, then I feel like i got cut off in the end. Maybe it's me, but I would've prefered probably another stanza keep posting JD I see no changes, wake up in the morning I ask myself, "Is life worth living or should I blast myself" TUPAC SHAKUR |
||
|
Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
The first two stanzas really captured me, fantastic! But the last one didn't hold my attention. It seemed like something is missing, but I wouldn't be able to tell you what. But hey, it's your poem and you can have it how you like, but you said to comment on anything, so I'm trying to be honest And I post every now and then, like usual."Disagreements stimulate thought, thought stimulates action, and action stimulates life." --Lakewalker http://www.thehungersite.com |
||
|
Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I liked it, very different from your regular.........you use some onomoaoepwoapia and that's cool. I thought it was good but the ending kinda lost me.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
||
|
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Yes, onomatopiea is a great thing to play around with. I'm also a bit off by the ending. Where's the sound FX? ~_^ -Allan We used to hate people, now we just make fun of them. It's more effective that way. --KMFDM |
||
|
jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair |
Fine, the ending was raunchy. Ill change it. JeremY "I believe that man will not merely endure: he will prevail. -William Faulkner (Noble Prize Speech.) |
||
|
Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Hmm...I rather like the new ending...but I didn't see the first one....Thank you for my depression...Hmmm....Nice, nice...Stupenderific job here, jer.... ~Carly "Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy." (Nora Ephron) [This message has been edited by Child of the Stars (edited 02-08-2001).] |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
