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the day i tried to live
Junior Member

since 2001-02-03

Posts 27
the seventh circle

0 posted 2001-02-04 04:39 PM

as soon as i wake the world ends
and you will begin then to see
that nothing that once was
ever will be
ever will be real again
for as soon as i wake
as soon as i wake
the songs of the revelers cease
and the dance of this wheel
comes to its finale -- a stirring finale, i hear
oh yes, when i wake
from this sick, twisted dream
when all that once was is no more
there in that place
in that place with no space
nor any such foolish design
there in that place where time will not be
in that void of eternity's lie
there in that place
as soon as i wake
we will dance on this stage they call life

Lakewalker
Member Elite

since 2000-08-05

Posts 3289
On the streets w/ people

1 posted 2001-02-04 05:40 PM

This is done very well, I like how it's written, the flow was great for me, and I'm using a lot of commas writing this reply.

"Disagreements stimulate thought, thought stimulates action, and action stimulates life." --Lakewalker
http://www.thehungersite.com

Allan Riverwood

Member Elite

since 2001-01-04

Posts 3502
Winnipeg

2 posted 2001-02-04 06:06 PM

Lovely.
I especially liked the last line. Well said.
Keep up the great work, and I'll keep reading.
-Allan

We used to hate people, now we just make fun of them. It's more effective that way. --KMFDM

anomaly187
Member

since 2000-06-15

Posts 284
San Francisco,CA,US

3 posted 2001-02-04 06:11 PM

this really had a great flow to it
and the end really did justice
to the rest of the poem..
it's good to see more talent
like yours popping up
around here lately..

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro"

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

4 posted 2001-02-04 07:49 PM

i'm not sure, but this might be the first poem of your that ive read. And may I say I am very impressed. You have a way with words.

Thanks for the read and keep sharing

I see no changes, wake up in the morning I ask myself, "Is life worth living or should I blast myself" TUPAC SHAKUR

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

5 posted 2001-02-04 09:24 PM

Wow, i really liked this poem. Nicely done, wonderfully thought out. A true poem to relish upon here. VERY WELL DONE!!! I hope to see more of these kinds. The repetition is outstanding....i really liked this. My fav from you so far. Keep them coming!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

jeremydraul
Senior Member

since 2000-08-01

Posts 1118
State of Despair

6 posted 2001-02-04 09:28 PM

Allan, your mean. Your only going to read it if it's good? Meanie

This poem was very romantic like...and all the reality in it was nice. I really enjoyed your writing format. Keep'em coming plz...

Jeremy

"I believe that man will not merely endure: he will prevail. -William Faulkner (Noble Prize Speech.)

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