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Teen Poetry #4
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Essence Fading
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Essence Fading |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico 
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Essence Fading: Loosing clarity from within my eyes. I see no way, but I see the lies. It's heavens gate and the hell we know. My very own mind is my only foe. Clouds of never surround my soul. My puzzle is missing its completion, its whole. Burning embers in the distance steam. Energy in form, live on light beam!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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| © Copyright 2001 Pepe de la Muerte - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Hah... nice critique message. Want constructive criticism? I really can't add much to what you already have here, y'know. You did a great job on this. Simple format and scheme, but nice ending line. I like it. -Allan We used to hate people, now we just make fun of them. It's more effective that way. --KMFDM |
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jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair |
well I dont think you need to get better. first stanza was very vivid and clear, I have absolutely no problems with the beginning... I have not a clue what your saying in the ending, although i see images....maybe you should try and be a little less subtle? good job tho bro -JDR |
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NeverSayDie Junior Member
since 2001-01-18
Posts 39Duluth, MN & Grand Forks ND |
Wonderful poem i can I believe i can understand what you ment in it thanks i enjoyed this one alot keep up the good work |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
I like this one. I like the smaller poems you've been recently writing. They're pretty good little pieces. They really hit hard. Your imagery mixed, with metaphor, is quite admirable. As far as critique is concerned, I am with Jeremydraul on that last stanza. I am getting the vibe that it is talking about telecomunications. IE, the last sentence: " Burning embers in the distance steam. Energy in form, live on light beam! " Just taking a wild guess, you're talking about soe disaster scene that you are seeing on TV. Of course, if my english teacher from senior highschool were here, she'd be chewing me out, saying that I'm speculating too much. :D |
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anomaly187 Member
since 2000-06-15
Posts 284San Francisco,CA,US |
well first of all just seeing the title i was able to relate to your poem already and then i read it and i still do..i'm not really up for critiqueing right now...and besides i don't see any flaws..lol sorry "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro" |
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Stephanya Member
since 2000-11-03
Posts 63Berkshire County~USA~ |
Well...with this one...how much better do you want to get?  Your pieces in my opinion have always been above average. I'll keep reading, and letting you know though!Tooldes! (:*stephani*:)A true friend will always stay a friend whether or not you feel as though the friendship or relationship is about to end* XOXO |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
nothing wrong with the poem at all. I can't give constructive criticizm to this piece. it's perfect as it is I see no changes, wake up in the morning I ask myself, "Is life worth living or should I blast myself" TUPAC SHAKUR |
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
You want me to critique it?oiy im not good at that. So i wont. It was beautiful. I had an image and a deep meaning in my little head. great work as always! Regina when i wish for you, i wish that could we lie side by side hearts entwined. |
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Tamma
since 2000-01-17
Posts 794In His Arms, Harpers Ferry, WV |
Dopey, I love your work, and thats all there is to it www.angelfire.com/wv2/poetrycorner I'm just a girl looking at a guy asking him to love me |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Well thanks everybody. Means a lot to me. I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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