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Salooma
Senior Member

since 2000-01-28

Posts 781

0 posted 2001-01-22 12:29 PM

Untitled

Inspired by resistance.
Revoked by warrent's end.
Entwined in coexistance.
With hearts that never mend.

Raised by ugly fate.
Spawned by cruel beating.
Hurt in battered hate,
Of a broken ended feeling.

Bruised bones and skulls alike.
Completed dooms that cannot fight.
Shattered hopes, a faultful tyke.
With leveled boards he killed the might.

Walked away in raging fury.
Left behind a defeated girl.
Tarnished a small helpless blurry,
Of what went on in one night's swirl.

1/21/01

Any comments, analyzations, or suggestions???

[This message has been edited by Ron (06-25-2011 10:01 AM).]

The Lost Supertone
Member

since 2001-01-20

Posts 74
Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

1 posted 2001-01-22 12:33 PM

Honestly... I don't get your motives behind it... mainly cause I'm not sure how literal or Metaphoric your being. Well writen however. In the flow you didn't lose me. And I think if I was told what your motives behind it were I would understnad it better.

Salooma
Senior Member

since 2000-01-28

Posts 781

2 posted 2001-01-22 12:37 PM

actually i don't know where it can from. it started as something else and ended up as this. when i read it now, it's about a battered girl and the guy who beat her.
"Shattered hopes, a faultful tyke.
With leveled boards he killed the might."
i don't think i've conveyed my ideas real well in this one, but thanks for reading it

Salma

Kit McCallum

Administrator

Member Laureate

since 2000-04-30

Posts 14774
Ontario, Canada

3 posted 2001-01-22 06:34 AM

Hi Salma ... it's nice to see you again! This was very descriptive ... tugged my heart with this one. Abusive situations can be so overpowering ... I hope anyone in circumstances like this can find the will to get out. You've captured the raw feelings well in this piece.

Best wishes,
/Kit

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

4 posted 2001-01-22 06:16 PM

Very good here. Salma, you did wonderful on this poem. Such a wonderful read here!

I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Salooma
Senior Member

since 2000-01-28

Posts 781

5 posted 2001-01-23 05:38 PM

Kit~ Thanks for your reply....I was hoping it'd be understandable to some. Thanks so much

Dopey~ Thanks for your reply! Glad you liked it!

Salma

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

6 posted 2001-01-24 05:47 PM

wow Salooma, this is very very good
such an unfortunate incident for someone though
makes me feel bad for that person
thanks for the read
keep posting

I see no changes, wake up in the morning I ask myself, "Is life worth living or should I blast myself" TUPAC SHAKUR

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