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Teen Poetry #4
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Untitled (song. that's right, song.)
| Teen Poetry #4 |
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Untitled (song. that's right, song.) |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg 
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hehehe.... Fractal 007 gave me some excellent advice-- "if you think you are boring, try something new" so here goes, a actually TRIED to write a song! I did it in History class, when i had a million kids screaming around me. So it's not very good at all, but tell me what you think, alright? You never know, i just might be able to write songs after all... Chorus: "He's the superhero savior of the land clad in sweaty sleeveless armour flying, beer in hand He's the superhero fighting every day he'll restore the peace to us in his own drunken way" (Verses) He's a superhuman guy when evil rears its head watch our hero fly pull over, super hero you're FWI *chorus* He's got superhuman flair great big gleaming muscles and slicked-back golden hair he's even got a six-pack but he would never share He's got a superhuman mind he can belch the alphabet and almost walk a line and if he must, he'll use his charm to keep from getting fined *chorus* He's got a superhero's base where he conducts his planning to save the human race if he'd only take his empties in he'd have so much more space He's got superhuman might sleeping in the gutter every single night but if the evil's ever back he'll once again take flight *chorus* (i'm no Dopey Dope, but i'm just a rookie! Bear with me on this one! Thanks for your feedback. -Allan) [This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (edited 01-18-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Morouxshi San Member
since 2000-10-11
Posts 207San Juan, Puerto Rico |
this was surprisingly ok. songs are not easy to pull out. dope mostly goes into a lot of symbolism and stuff like that that would baffle a normal 16yo kid, but this one was pretty straight forward. San, the wise San, the dumb San, the guy... |
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Angel in Flight Member
since 2001-01-07
Posts 381 |
LOL LOL WOW>>>>>best song i have every hear/read in my life. You should keep writting songs there totally wonderful,Allan. Altough it was a wonderful piece of work then again to me it was quite sad. That perhaps a child would look up to this type of man. And then again somepeople have heros that you would never dream were. So maybe this truly is a hero in ones eyes. Wonderful song. Keep smiling ~Amanda~< !signature--> To do anyting LESS then your BEST is to SACRIFICE the GIFT!!! [This message has been edited by Angel in Flight (edited 01-18-2001).] |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
San- "Surprisingly OK?" I'm not sure what to make of that comment! ^_^ Angel- Hehehe... thanks for being so impressed. It means a lot to me. And hey, who knows? Maybe I could learn to sing and go far with this? ^_^ Nah, i don't think so. ~_^ -Allan |
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Angel in Flight Member
since 2001-01-07
Posts 381 |
LOL @ Allan!! I never heard you sing before, but by the sounds of it you better hire someone to do the singing for you.(j/k) ~Amanda~hehehe |
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~sugarpie313~ Member
since 2000-09-14
Posts 375Maine, USA |
I like this! It's hard writing a song, i don't understand how professionals do it all the time. i think this one is really good! especially for tryin to write it with kids screaming all around. with my patience (which i don't have any) i'd be rippin their heads off!! JUST KIDDING!! TOTALLY JUST KIDDING! but great job, ttyl ~VALERIE~ *...Remember your roots, my friend they're right down below, because heroes come and heroes go...* - Creed |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I thought the song in general was nice. I liked it, very different from what i'd write but you're not me hehe. One comment on this though to see if you agree or not......too much chorus. After every group of verses you'd put the chorus right after. that's 6 times of the chorus......same words....throughout the whole song. same thing. For me, this song seemed to last around 6mins long unless it were some punk hard fast song.....in that case......58 seconds. Anyway, if it were ME, which it's not....i'd key down on so much chorus. Sometimes I like to write lyrics like this: im a big fat man i have no life im a big fat man hey Then after some verses of the song. I live in a house I have no life Im a big fat man hey. Ok so yea the first line is different, I think it adds punch into a chorus if your going to put it in MANY TIMEs.....rearrange it a bit ya know? Spice it up.....put in some variety....cuz hearing the same thing over and over again after every verse could bore the listener. Just my two cents, I wouldn't know if it were valid or not. Nice one Allan, very good song.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. I'm in love with my shadow I admire it daily |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
thanks for the advice, i changed it |
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jeremydraul Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118State of Despair |
definately agreed with DD. this song was kinda funny... but held that deep meaning. I liked it a lot! ~JDR "Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation." -Oscar Wilde |
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Isabel Galaxia Senior Member
since 2000-06-18
Posts 733 |
Well, this is the first thing of your's I've read, and really this is great.  I'm quite impressed, keep it up Bel |
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Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
Hey, look I'm finally replying Nice job on this, you shoud consider writing more songs!"Disagreements stimulate thought, thought stimulates action, and action stimulates life." --Lakewalker http://www.thehungersite.com |
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