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Teen Poetry #4
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Allan Riverwood
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Member Elite
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502
Winnipeg

0 posted 2001-01-13 04:14 PM


put your knife away
if you think that I'm bleeding
you are mistaken
< !signature-->

Eternal life without the darkness isn't life at all- it is a lobotomy.



[This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (edited 01-13-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved
Angel in Flight
Member
since 2001-01-07
Posts 381

1 posted 2001-01-13 04:28 PM


WOW~~~Very meaningful senryu I LOVED it. You are a very gifted writer never give it up, and keep posting please.
~Amanda~

[This message has been edited by Angel in Flight (edited 01-13-2001).]

jeremydraul
Senior Member
since 2000-08-01
Posts 1118
State of Despair
2 posted 2001-01-13 04:38 PM


are you saying that no matter what you do to me, you can't hurt me, so dont try?

well.. anyways
nice senryu  

~JDR

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation." -Oscar Wilde

Melster
Member
since 2000-12-09
Posts 442
Brisbane, Qld, Australia
3 posted 2001-01-13 06:30 PM


I am along the same lines as Jeremy here...  or rather that is the impression I got...  I love this one as much as all the others you have written...  you have a great talent and I look forward to the next inspiring peice you write!!  Great Job Allan!!

Melz!!

You can't hurt me anymore than I have hurt myself already...

Allan Riverwood
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Member Elite
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502
Winnipeg
4 posted 2001-01-13 06:43 PM


This one was actually different the first time around than when I revised it.  Melz insists that I share the original with you.

put your knife away
can't you see that I'm bleeding?
where's your compassion?

...i changed this to the one higher up because I realized that I _wasn't_ bleeding in that situation after all, i was just annoyed.  I altered it to express annoyance rather than genuine pain.

Oh, and Amanda?  Yeah, I won't ever stop posting.  This place rules, and by sharing our work we can give and gain from one another.  I absolutely love this place, and you all should know that my productions are often nothing more than everything you offer me, filtered into words.  Thanks everyone.
-Allan

Eternal life without the darkness isn't life at all- it is a lobotomy.


Ina
Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236
Quebec, Canada
5 posted 2001-01-13 07:43 PM


it was very good. the whole knife thing is quite intersting.
keep posting allan.
Regina

Dopey Dope
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Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico
6 posted 2001-01-13 11:03 PM


Nice one here.....I liked the revised version better.



I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust.

I'm in love with my shadow
I admire it daily

Angel in Flight
Member
since 2001-01-07
Posts 381

7 posted 2001-01-13 11:20 PM


Allan, I love both of them they both have such different meanings but are great none the less. And you are right this place does in fact "rule"
Lakewalker
Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289
On the streets w/ people
8 posted 2001-01-16 04:31 PM


Nice job on this one, it says a lot.  I like the revised one better as well, I think it makes a more powerful statement.  

"Disagreements stimulate thought, thought stimulates action, and action stimulates life." --Lakewalker
http://www.thehungersite.com

Poet on Acid
Member
since 2001-01-07
Posts 325
Florida, USA
9 posted 2001-01-16 04:36 PM


wow, as always great work, on both of them.
There is no way I could do anything that good
in that style of writing. You gotta gift man
so you better keep using it. And keep
posting.

>¶Øʆ<

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