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The Piper (My first pantoum)
| Open Poetry #12 |
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The Piper (My first pantoum) |
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Packratmike Senior Member
since 2001-02-25
Posts 632California, USA 
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This is my first pantoum attempt. Critiques will be much appreciated...let me know if I slipped up. The Piper The piper calls the morning mist With mournful drones of endless breath As valiant clouds march o'er the hills So march the fallen comrades still With mournful drones of endless breath A solemn summon of the dead So march the fallen comrades still Across the shroud of Edward's will A solemn summon of the dead Through vapor, green within its midst Across the shroud of Edward's will The pipes call forth with haunting chill Through vapor, green within its midst Footsteps tread like angry drums The pipes call forth with haunting chill The honor bought by comrades killed Remember tyrants, one and all As valiant clouds march o'er the hills While you enjoy the devil's kiss The piper calls the morning mist "HEY, DON'T THROW THAT AWAY, I MIGHT NEED IT SOMEDAY!!!" Packratmike |
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| © Copyright 2001 Mike Powers - All Rights Reserved | |||
Joyce Johnson
since 2001-03-10
Posts 9912Washington State |
I am not familiar with this form, I'm going to look it up but your poem is really magnificent. I don't need to know the form to recognize wonderful poetry. Thank you for letting me see it. Joyce |
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Packratmike Senior Member
since 2001-02-25
Posts 632California, USA |
Thanks Joyce...this form is new to me and I thought I'd give it a try. It was an engrossing, fun write. Mike |
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Panne415 Member
since 2001-03-21
Posts 104San Antonio |
Mike, This is a wonderful and beautiful piece. Very heartfelt but it is not a pantun/pantoum line pattern - that is a very strick form of where each line must go and must repeat. But, pantun or not- this is a beautiful and enjoyable read. There is more info on the form if you want it in JellyBean's pantun in the comments posted and in comments posted in both my pantuns. Trifles 24/7 and pantun by Panne -Universal Verites. You can make this into one if you want to with some rearranging of lines but whether you do or not - it will not detract from the beauty of this - can't think tonight so beauty keeps coming up for want of the word I am grasping for...sorry - very tired . But thanks for sharing this. Panne |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Mike, a good read....I'm learning right along with you.... |
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Packratmike Senior Member
since 2001-02-25
Posts 632California, USA |
Sunshine.....this is new to me but what a fun way to go about composing a poem. This one sorta took on a life of its own once I got started. I have a lot to learn. Panne...First of all, thank you so much for introducing me to this method. It's almost like solving puzzles and a bit magical. I think I've figured out my error. I followed the pattern correctly until the last stanza where I neglected to use lines 2 & 4 from the preceding stanza. I've corrected this here, by inserting a new stanza to end up with the final one from the original poem (which I really liked for impact). I hope this corrects it......I think I'm on top of it now. Let me know if you can. The piper calls the morning mist (1) With mournful drones of endless breath (2) As valiant clouds march o'er the hills (3) So march the fallen comrades still (4) With mournful drones of endless breath (2) A solemn summon of the dead So march the fallen comrades still (4) Across the shroud of Edward's will A solemn summon of the dead Through vapor, green within its midst Across the shroud of Edward's will The pipes call forth with haunting chill Through vapor, green within its midst Footsteps tread like angry drums The pipes call forth with haunting chill The honor bought by comrades killed Footsteps tread like angry drums Remember tyrants, one and all The honor bought by comrades killed While you enjoy the devil's kiss Remember tyrants, one and all As valiant clouds march o'er the hills While you enjoy the devil's kiss The piper calls the morning mist |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
to pantoun or not to pantoun that is the question, personally I think it's perfect as it is. It's so haunting and lovely. write on Kethry Those of us who refuse to risk and grow get swallowed up by life. Patty Hansen. |
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Panne415 Member
since 2001-03-21
Posts 104San Antonio |
Mike, Yes this is a pantoum and it is even more wonderful. That was the problem I was having while writing my 2. Everytime I realized I had missed a repeat line or put it in the wrong place I had to add another verse because I wanted the ending as is - which is why mine are so long...lol. Haven't been able to get a short one yet. And they are like puzzles - I found the only way I could keep the repeats straight - and even then I missed towards the end - was to write the matching lines in a different color so the lines 1 & 3 were in black and 2,4 in red and 5,6 in bright blue, 7,8 in green etc etc. I sure help for quick scans while writing. AND like I said before even if this was not in pantun form this is a marvelous piece and more so when ya consider the form you used. I am bowing to your creativity. Panne |
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Packratmike Senior Member
since 2001-02-25
Posts 632California, USA |
Kethry...Thanks for the nice remarks. I enjoy writing haunting poetry....poetry that leaves a bit of an impression after the last line has been read. Panne...Thanks for all the info and help regarding this style. I would like to try it again but don't think it will come as easy as this one.....it seemed to almost write itself.(Hmmm??? Haunting??? Maybe it did???!!!) I appreciate your wonderful comments and remember, this poem would not have been written had you not introduced me to pantoums. Thank you. Mike "HEY, DON'T THROW THAT AWAY, I MIGHT NEED IT SOMEDAY!!!" Packratmike |
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Katherine Chandler Member
since 2001-03-07
Posts 280Florida, USA |
Very nicely done Mike. Pantoums are not that difficult after one has managed to recall the pattern. First one I did took me all afternoon. I sent an email with more thoughts.  KateGenuine poetry can communicate before it is understood. |
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Mabel A. Dilley Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 859Seattle, WA, USA |
Exquisite in form and thought. Loved it. "I am not now that which I have been." |
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Jellybean King Member
since 2001-03-07
Posts 153Jelly, Bean |
I just loved this...your theme and imagery lends itself very well to the magical Pantoum...I'd love to read more... ...do you have any insights as to the rhyming scheme...koko mentioned a certain format abab for the first 4 lines then c for the new lines in the next stanza...d in the next stanza and so on. I wonder how how strict we need to be... Anyway...great job on your first Pantoum (applause)...now I'm off to Pantoum some more! Jellybean King |
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Packratmike Senior Member
since 2001-02-25
Posts 632California, USA |
Kate...Thanks alot for the comments and info. I'm learning many things here. Julian....Thank you, glad you liked it. JBK...what I have read and heard from others regarding this style is that pantoums can be rhymed or unrhymed. If you are going to write a rhyming pantoum, you would probably want to use abab for rhyming. That way, your rhyme is built into the next verse(at least for 2 of the lines). Out of ignorance, I didn't do this in "The Piper". You will notice that my rhyming format is abcc. I carried through rhyming the last two lines of each stanza until the second to last stanza: Footsteps tread like angry drums Remember tyrants, one and all The honor bought by comrades killed While you enjoy the devil's kiss Here, I broke the rhyming pattern I had been using to save the message. This may be a no-no to the strict hard-core pantoum-ist...in my defense, I will say that I feel the use of the hard "k" words "killed" and "kiss" somewhat smoothed over the lack of rhyme here. Furthermore, I have read some pantoums that even change/substitue a word in a line..i.e. "and" for "the" or "with" for "at". So it seems that a lot is open for individual interpretation in this style. Finally, rhyming or not, what is paramount in this style is that you strictly follow the line format rule. (line 2&4 becomes line 1&3 of next stanza and in the final stanza, lines 2&4 are from lines 1&3 of the very first stanza.) Beyond this rule, I think we can be as strict or as free as we wish to be....I just strive to write a good, meaningful piece of work that touches me and then hopefully, it will touch others. Thanks for the nice remarks JBK and I hope I've made some sense here. Mike "HEY, DON'T THROW THAT AWAY, I MIGHT NEED IT SOMEDAY!!!" Packratmike |
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