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Open Poetry #12
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kaile
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since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146
singapore

0 posted 2001-02-20 09:42 PM


Greenhouse comforts of school
vanishing into a blur
We venture out
struggle not to
let our guard down
on the tender bed of lies
cunningly weaved by those who bite

We mature
grow cynical
apply jerk seasoning on ourselves
play the manipulating game
in the hope that
we may trample others
forever to sleep

like bowling pins that topple
after a thoughtful exceuted strike
We sigh with satisfaction
when our victims succumb to our trap

the games begin
and I wonder how
my ten-year-old self
will think
if he sees me now


© Copyright 2001 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved
ParisGrl
Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 610

1 posted 2001-02-20 09:55 PM


Kaile,

I loved this poem! keep writing!

Take Care,
Laura

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
2 posted 2001-02-20 10:12 PM


Just watched Bruce Willis' "The Kid"... a concept to study by all of us...

well done Kaile...

Voiceless
Senior Member
since 2001-02-19
Posts 686
Under the stars upon the wind
3 posted 2001-02-20 11:02 PM


To be able to see things as children
do would be a gift to most people


~*Peachy Be*~

kcsgrandma
Senior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 1522
Presque Isle, ME
4 posted 2001-02-21 12:56 PM


I do like the concepts here. I haven't looked it up, but I do wonder about the used of "weaved" at the end of the first stanza. My feeling is that it should be "woven". I love the "jerk seasoning". That really made me smile. In the bowling stanza, I would prefer to see "thoughtfully executed". In the last stanza, I like the question, but would use the subjunctive "would think if he saw me now". Still, you're doing well.

To love another person is to see the face of God.
- Les Miserables

Marilyn

Sven
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since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937
East Lansing, MI USA
5 posted 2001-02-21 08:03 PM


wow kaile, this is excellent. . .

I'm going to go along with Marilyn and say that in the first stanza it probably should be "woven"

In the bowling stanza, what about "a thoughtful , executed strike"?  With the comma??

In the last stanza, I got the sense that you were speaking to your younger self, in which case your words are right on. . . but if not, then I concur with Marilyn's suggestion. . .

This is really good kaile. . . I loved the "jerk seasoning" refrence. . .that was perfect!!  It's a really good study of what we see, and how we see it. . .  

-------------------------------------------------------


To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world.

aurora rain
Member
since 2000-11-15
Posts 90

6 posted 2001-02-21 08:10 PM


i like the twist on the end...how you say "oh, i wonder how a child sees this"...as if you're objective as well as involved. very nice indeed.
walker
Member Elite
since 2001-02-11
Posts 2240
Florida
7 posted 2001-02-21 08:28 PM


Children are so innocent and carefree. When we grow up we are so defensive ( probably protecting our inner child) that we can be cruel to others. It would be nice to ask ourselves before we act, what would my ten year old do? I love this poem.

A quarter of a century must pass, for the writer to understand what and why he writes.

VAS
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450
Oregon
8 posted 2001-02-21 09:25 PM


I like what you've done here, kaile, save for what's already been mentioned...weaved should be woven, in this case. Weaved is not really a word, it's weave, wove, woven.

good job!

JLR
Senior Member
since 2001-02-04
Posts 1785

9 posted 2001-02-21 09:40 PM


This is beyond incedible. I love every word----spec 2nd verse.
Celeste
Senior Member
since 2000-11-11
Posts 597

10 posted 2001-02-21 11:15 PM


Very sad and so very true. I thank you for posting this. Am keeping it.

To capture and live a moment is truly living


Charisma
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since 2000-09-30
Posts 5906
lost in blue pages
11 posted 2001-02-22 08:39 AM


your words touch my heart, and these words are so true, written from the heart.

excellent penned

Charisma

Mark Bohannan
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269
In the winds of Cherokee song
12 posted 2001-02-22 12:47 PM


When innocense is replaced with imagined reality, one's whole world is turned upside down. I think you have penned it wonderfully and if we could only find a way to hold onto what we are born with in some areas, I think we would find heaven in the palm of our hands. Wonderful write and full of much understanding and the mere fact that you found a need to share these thoughts with us as well as have them says much about your character and I applaud you for that.
ggrn3
Member
since 2000-08-17
Posts 433
Nahunta Georgia U.S.
13 posted 2001-02-25 05:45 PM


Kaile
I had to go back and read some of your poems. I thought this was was great. To write of lies and innocence and to express your feelings so well, this couldn't have been a better poem.
Loved it.

Garfield

Poeminister
Senior Member
since 2000-02-26
Posts 1862
Regina SK; Canada
14 posted 2001-02-25 05:52 PM


Kaile--i like your mindset in this...very well expressed.

Poeminister

dgvarner
Member Elite
since 2000-05-13
Posts 3552
High Springs, Florida
15 posted 2001-03-01 06:46 PM


enjoyed reading this
------------------------
in this verse, i think you may want to say "thoughtfully executed" tho...?:

"like bowling pins that topple
after a thoughtful exceuted strike
We sigh with satisfaction
when our victims succumb to our trap"
--------------------------
"the games begin
and I wonder how
my ten-year-old self
will think
if he sees me now"

yes..i wonder sometimes too..about that.. and didnt you used to wonder, at 10, what you would be like when you grew up...

good write kaile

hugs, g



where am i...WHOA! and what am i doing in this handbasket!?!

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