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nakdthoughts
Member Laureate

since 2000-10-29

Posts 19200
Between the Lines

0 posted 2001-02-12 03:43 AM

It's Still Up

Three years ago or Christmas'  it was
I  had let my tree stand it's ground.
The year was barren, of feelings lost
And I couldn't  recapture them found.
So my tree became special, I had written my verses
The first explanation of three
Once again, now, my tree is still up,
Awaiting first visitor to me.

the letter...

it was so hard to sit with her
and talk about the day ...
having been to the cemetary
crying the whole way
she reached into her bag
and from her wallet took out
a small folded paper
as I looked about
she handed it to me
twice folded tiny, square but neat
I reached ... our hands met
she said, "read it, my sweet"
I gave her a look
as I took the white square
she gave a slight smile and
I thought, should I dare?
said, "open it please"
so, I began to unfold
as I read the first words
I could tell it was old
from their first year of marriage
more than 50 years ago
expecting my brother
in two more days or so
words of such warmth
he had written to her
as I continued to read
something inside me did stir
words that I never
had heard him express
words that could now
show me his tenderness
now it was my turn
to reach out to her and cry
for the words were my Dad's
and I don't know why
but I never knew him
to have ever been this way
this side he didn't show
to us all, every day
it was something so special
and so very dear
I wish I had known this
before his last year
they were gentle and loving
the words that he wrote
he had been in the army
and on her, he did dote
he was just checking in
to make sure that she knew
how much he missed her
and that he loved her, too
this was so hard
for me to digest
for I had been lost
in my own unhappiness
and wondering how
my marriage could last
another 25 years
if it's been like the past
she said, " honey the first 25
were as great as could be
but the next 25, were
more stressful, you see
but you must work things out
and you must compromise
and then each passing day
you will soon realize
if the love that you share
is both honest and true
you will get through the hard times
I promise this, to you
and the more that you try
there'll be better times, too
and the bad ones will lessen
until there are a few
I know this", she said
"I have been through it before
it's just stages", she said
"and you'll get through them, I'm sure"
so I kissed her goodbye
and I sent her back home
to that place where she will now
be living all alone
but in that little wallet
in that corner, thereof
is a piece that remains
from the one that she loved.

M
feb '99

Poetry, it seemed,  been my latest of calls
Aiding and filling my need.
Not aware yet was I, of the next " what's to  come"
As my heart was in want of love's feed.

My Valentine Tree

I have been so very busy
writing poems, so you see
I haven't had the time, of late,
to take down my Xmas tree.

I took a look a moment ago
and thought I'd start right now,
to remove the decorations
but then stopped again, thinking ... How

beautiful the decorations were,
of pink and burgundy!
How the balls were filled with berry scent
from the flowered potpourri.

The ribbons adorned were gold in tone
and the angels hanging there ...
were staring back at me,as if
to say, "WHO REALLY CARES?"

Why should I take this tree down?
Why not leave it there?
It can be a wonderful reminder
of a spiritual time of the year.

I'll add some hearts, victorian cards
and before my very eyes,
I'll have the most wonderful Valentine.
A Beautiful Surprise!

I'll keep this up for this whole year
and will then be able to think
of the delight I have in seeing it.
It's colors ... burgundy and pink.

It will make my heart feel alive and full
for each time I pass it by
will remind me, this will be a better year,
one with answers to my ?WHYS?

I'll start today, to make those hearts
and on each one there will be
the name of someone special
in my life, who's meant to me

such happiness and filled MY HEART
with love, fond memories.
And bring them close, from near and far,
both friends and family.

As I sit and write my poems from here,
my inspiration will be
the JOY and LOVE I get from gazing
at my Valentine Xmas Tree.

2/99

And as always I did it, I followed it through
My tree was still up, "treasured love"
But words from my mother that once made some sense
Had lost rhythm in meaning, above.
I won't see that 50 as she had with Dad,
With his life gone, so too, went my own.
Not of my choice, but what can one do
When the answers are forever unknown.

Indecision ... Love Undelivered

I sometimes buy more than one card
for each occasion that comes along.
I do this because I find so many that seem just right
for that special person I want to send it to.
So, I become indecisive and I take them all.

Today, as I am searching through my cards
for Valentine's Day, I run across ...
~To My Dad on Valentine's Day~
~To the # 1 Dad on Father's Day~
~Happy Birthday, Dad~
To My Father on Christmas~
And I am saddened.

Sad because now, all that is left
are these special cards, loving cards,
that I chose especially for my father, no one else,
who will no longer be able to receive words of love,
that were contained within.

And I will no longer be able to see his eyes light up
when he opens and reads the words,
that I so lovingly chose just for him.
Or watch the corners of his mouth turn up,
as he lets out a soft laugh, after reading
from those cards that have a touch of humor to them.

How I wish now, that I had gathered, signed and delivered
all of them to him in the last days he was with us.
sighhhhh ... Wishes get you nowhere.

But now that I have decided
to leave my Xmas tree up for Valentine's Day,
I think I will take all of my cards meant for 'Dad,'
and write my loving messages on them, as I would have,
place beautiful ribbons on each
and attach them to my Valentine Tree of Love.

And I hope that he is looking down
and he knows they were meant for him ...
that I miss him ... and the hurt is still there ...
but lessening every day.

2/99

And I haven't moved from that day you see
Addicted I have really become.
Many a word, a thought, I have penned
To release pent up loneliness of one.
And yes, once removed, my Valentine Tree
Put away for the last one,  'til this
With another love lost, I've decided again
To fill it with Valentine Bliss.
I'll view it each morning, and light it each night
The burgundies,  mauves, ribboned so.
Stay there it will, until life does unfold
And happiness returns me my glow...

~Wynter/Moonchild...couldn't sleep, a little rambling going on in my  mind

"The worst prison would be a closed heart".
...Pope John Paul II

[This message has been edited by nakdthoughts (edited 02-12-2001).]

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

1 posted 2001-02-12 04:13 AM

Wynter~
This is absolutely beautiful.
So nostalgic - so real.
Perhaps it was meant for you to not sleep so
this beautiful ramble would pour forth.
So very, very touching.
Your stories are each so lovely and I'm glad
you chose to share them with us.

Truthfully, it is one of the nicest sentiments I've seen written.

It seems so very much like something I would expect
to find written in Reader's Digest.
Were I to find it there, I would read it - sigh - and smile ...
just as it has caused me to do here.
I find it very, very special.
*Hugs*
~*Marge*~

~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate

since 2000-10-29

Posts 19200
Between the Lines

2 posted 2001-02-12 05:10 AM

It is real Marge, I just hope the tree doesn't have to stay up for three more years before I can have my first visitor...I would take a picture and show you but my digital camera is broken..another nice negative in my life *s

thank you,
huggzz

~Wynter

"The worst prison would be a closed heart".
...Pope John Paul II

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

3 posted 2001-02-12 05:17 AM

"So, I become indecisive and I take them all."

Had to tell you...I love that line. So true to ME...

and as for your "ramblings"...love it. The conversation with 'mom' was pure on-the-money sterling...loved the glimpse into your family album...who needs a digital cam when you can write like that, hmmm?

I'm in a "huggy" mood...so more hugs for you, lady!

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate

since 2000-10-29

Posts 19200
Between the Lines

4 posted 2001-02-12 06:23 AM

serenity
I'll take those hugs and see you ten more {{hugzz}}

well that letter was real, the discussions and my Valentine trees, too. And I have left mine up again this year...waiting for my first new visitor to enter my home if I can get it organized again and for my new life to begin...darn if that once sort of husband of mine (wonder what you do call him) isn't dragging his feet though and making that one difficult for me...sighing this morning, knowing another holiday will pass me by unnoticed...

~Wynter

"The worst prison would be a closed heart".
...Pope John Paul II

JLR
Senior Member

since 2001-02-04

Posts 1785

5 posted 2001-02-12 06:41 PM

Two things about this should have stopped me from reading...first it's length, I'm not usually patient enough to read the long ones--ha; and second it's subject matter, I'm not very close to my family. But...I read it, every word and it is one of the nicest, most well written works I have come across here. I love your Valentine Xmas tree! Though I don't understand the part about not having a first visitor. (I once had a neighbor who kept her tree up year round, still decorated from Xmas---but she had no good reason for it...she was just a nut--ha). This truly touched me and it always surprises me when something I wouldn't expect to like does that. I also loved the folded up note, 50 years old...we should all be lucky enough to know a love like that! Thank you again.

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate

since 2000-10-29

Posts 19200
Between the Lines

6 posted 2001-02-12 07:59 PM

JLR...well here's what you are missing *s...on August 18th, Two weeks after our 30th anniversary my husband decided he didn't love me any more....and abandoned me shortly thereafter...for someone much younger....(although I tracked him down since)...and part of our bargain in giving him his freedom without a fight...is for him to complete some things in my home that he ignored for years..which he is doing.

And until he is done, and isn't coming here anymore, I am awaiting my first visitor to come and share an evening, of my new life.....it's as simple as that...*s and since he didn't finish by Christmas and New Years, disappearing twice leaving me with a mess in here..I could have no visitors...now Valentines Day will pass also..but it won't be long now...thank you for your reading even though I knew it would be long...I am glad you did...huggzz for that

~Wynter

"The worst prison would be a closed heart".
...Pope John Paul II

Lady In White

Member Elite

since 2001-02-12

Posts 2799
USA

7 posted 2001-02-12 08:49 PM

This took a great deal of introspection to write, as well as a great courage to post....and wonderful honesty to follow through with such explanations....

well done!

JLR
Senior Member

since 2001-02-04

Posts 1785

8 posted 2001-02-12 09:00 PM

Thanks for taking the time to fill me in. Can't wait to read what you write after that long anticipated first visitor. And hope it's not much longer you have to wait.

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate

since 2000-10-29

Posts 19200
Between the Lines

9 posted 2001-02-13 06:15 AM

Lady in White..the truth only hurts for awhile..and to be honest with you it all came as a complete shock to me...and I am still in the stages of grieving..or whatever they call it, it's just now I understand the reasons for his drinking and ruining of what we had...instead of his dealing with his loss of love for me. So when partners hold back, thinking they don't want to hurt each other, I think it would be better to tell the truth and save years of hurt and wondering and feeling worthless in the meantime...

JLR, thank you so much for understanding, and I am hoping it won't take too much longer either, and when it happens you will see some wonderfully happy writing coming from me instead of all fantasy because I will be living again...

~Wynter

"The worst prison would be a closed heart".
...Pope John Paul II

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