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Open Poetry #12
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jellybeans
Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298


0 posted 2001-02-09 02:18 PM


putting down my fork
my salad still half full
the realization hitting the
back of my throat and my appetite
at the same moment...
I really have nothing to keep
me here amongst the vast
expanse of people
typing out dreams
finding lovers for just one night
finding husbands finding wives
finding friends for life
I have typed out six years of
existence into cyber history
and have deftly explored
my emptiness for all to see and
I could turn off the switch
and who would cry
who would miss me anyway
just another name on a screen
to be replaced by
another name on a screen
and I wish I was a real writer
not a poet wannabe
I wish I had a book to write
I wish I was in love with a poet who
linked our souls with words
I wish I wasn’t lonely
when I drive my car
I wish I wasn’t me cause
I don’t like me anymore
well there was really only that
small window of time that I truly did
those days when you showed me  
how to smile-people tell me
I am pretty when I smile
and you made me pretty
but now who am I? certainly not
who I ever wanted to be
and I think that’s part of the problem
I never thought out who I
wanted to be
I just was a barefoot sixteen year old
before he molded me into the wife he
insisted that i be and I lost
25 years between then
and now and I sort of remember that girl
who was free to be and I have no
idea why I let him take control
except that it was easier than fighting
and most days were hard enough
already
two little ones to make smile and
I know I caved in and I can’t take it back
but I can change it
if I want to...
but do I want to
is being in control all that
anyway?
do I want to roll up my sleeves and
change my own tires
sleep by myself
(even more so than I already do)
for the rest of my life?
oh sure, there is somebody
out there
just perfect for me
and all I have to do is get to where
we can make eye contact and
fall instantly in love
and...can anyone give me directions
cause I wouldn’t mind waiting for
love to show up, if I just knew I
was waiting in the right spot cause
the older I get the more lost I feel
and is being alone gonna make
it all right?
and no, you don’t have to answer
I know it won’t
I have to do that where ever I am
I have to learn to be at home
inside of me
but do I want to?
some days I really don’t mind
living inside a stranger
it gives me someone
to blame


© Copyright 2001 jellybeans - All Rights Reserved
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

1 posted 2001-02-09 02:22 PM


"who was free to be and I have no
idea why I let him take control
except that it was easier than fighting..."

and yes..."someone to blame" for me personally? I think that is key...we DO need to talk some more my friend...every word of this is ME...right down to the barefoot sixteen year old...sigh sigh SIGH!!!!

Celeste
Senior Member
since 2000-11-11
Posts 597

2 posted 2001-02-09 02:58 PM


This hits home......really hard for me.  Powerful writing.   I'm in awe!  

To capture and live a moment is truly living


jellybeans
Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298

3 posted 2001-02-09 04:04 PM


serenity, thanks and yep, i can feel your heart too girl...twins i think is a good way to describe us  

dreamkeeper, thank you...no awe necessary though this is just my heart pouring onto paper, it helps.....not sure how, but it does

Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554

4 posted 2001-02-09 04:18 PM


I have typed out six years of
existence into cyber history
and have deftly explored
my emptiness for all to see and
I could turn off the switch
and who would cry
who would miss me anyway
just another name on a screen
to be replaced by
another name on a screen
and I wish I was a real writer
not a poet wannabe
I wish I had a book to write
I wish I was in love with a poet who
linked our souls with words
====================
the older I get the more lost I feel
and is being alone gonna make
it all right?
and no, you don’t have to answer
I know it won’t
I have to do that where ever I am
I have to learn to be at home
inside of me
but do I want to?
some days I really don’t mind
living inside a stranger
it gives me someone
to blame
=================

man oh man ...
do I understand ...
excellent purge of emotion and inner thoughts jb...
tears and mirrors me girlie ...
that last lines impact is perfect poetry



Heaven bound on wings of love,
there's so much that you can rise above.
I surrender heart and soul,
sacrificed to a higher goal.
~DepechMode~

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla
5 posted 2001-02-09 04:55 PM


Jellybean,
You wear your heart on your sleeve. Didn't anyone ever tell you not to wipe your mouth on your sleeve when your eating jellybeans.
You write very well and I enjoyed the read.
And the answer is under your hat if you wear a hat. LOL *L* Sy

Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores
6 posted 2001-02-09 07:18 PM


JellyBeans~
What an outpouring of emotion.
I hope it helps you ... for I feel certain
it will help many others.

'well there was really only that
small window of time that I truly did
those days when you showed me  
how to smile-'


Hope you find that small window open again soon.
~*Marge*~


~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com


jellybeans
Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298

7 posted 2001-02-12 01:19 PM


jm, seymore and marge, thank you so much for your comments...i guess for now, this is the last for me...i do need to figure out this stranger that i live in...and playing online isn't gonna do it for me...i need some RealTime thinking and doing.....thanks again for your support  
jb

Irish Rose
Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263

8 posted 2001-02-12 04:49 PM


Did it help?  Holding it in doesn't seem to help.  

"I walked beside the evening sea and dreamed a dream that could not be." George William Curtis



Nate Dogg
Senior Member
since 1999-11-15
Posts 1658
Georgia, Fulton
9 posted 2001-02-13 11:28 AM


A very expressive piece, jellybeans.....great work!

Nathan

jellybeans
Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298

10 posted 2001-02-13 12:23 PM


kathleen, I don't know...honestly i don't...sometimes i hold it in, sometimes i let it out, but until i make it right inside of me, it doesn't do any good...now...how to make it right...that's another question

thanks nate...glad you enjoyed

kcsgrandma
Senior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 1522
Presque Isle, ME
11 posted 2001-02-14 12:56 PM


This is powerful writing. I think Marge is right, it will help others, whether or not it helps you. Many of us who reach middle age and find we are not where we want to be can identify with much of what you have written. Thanks for sharing it.

To love another person is to see the face of God.
- Les Miserables

Marilyn

suthern
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Seraphic
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723
Louisiana
12 posted 2001-02-14 03:00 PM


You know I love this one... and understand all too well how it aches when you're left looking once again into your own mirror... when it was so very good and sweet to see yourself reflected in someone's smiling eyes. *S* But don't ever forget that you ARE a writer, not just a wannabee... and you DO have something to keep you here amongst the vast expanse of people typing out dreams... a nagging friend with a great big baseball bat! *G*

And now... you didn't really think I was going to let this slip by without even one mention of Sybil, did you? *EG*
"just another name on a screen
to be replaced by
another name on a screen"

Excellent work, dear lady. *S*

jellybeans
Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298

13 posted 2001-02-14 04:23 PM


kcsgrandma, thank you...and yep, sigh I think you are right

suthern...rofg...rofg@another name on the screen...hey sybil was NOWHERE in sight when I wrote this....lolol...course i did write it under another name, but isn't a poet with a different name a poet just the same, and...well maybe I should just be quiet and eat some cookies rofg
thanks lady

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