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Open Poetry #12
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All Along the Way
| Open Poetry #12 |
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All Along the Way |
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Effigy Member
since 2000-04-11
Posts 486disbelief 
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I tore away from her, Rose colored lies, And a Little more of that little fable. She was always good, quite quick flying through the air, but not without cable. Now I found, All she believed was nothing, I am sad All I am Was something. But the smoke stings my eyes I’m not crying I’m disabled, But don’t get me wrong I’m quite able. She thinks in pristine dreams Always lost, should have never read That missing warning label. I know I know I should have held her I should have looked into those eyes. Now I’m alone Alone. I’m here by myself again. I have grown alone the way. I have lived alone the way. I have lost alone the way. [This message has been edited by Effigy (edited 01-22-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 wes wiggins - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
Effigy, It's very good, should the last lines have read along or did you plan alone to fit the theme? write on Kethry Those of us who refuse to risk and grow get swallowed up by life. Patty Hansen. |
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Effigy Member
since 2000-04-11
Posts 486disbelief |
Thanks I'm glad that you liked. It's a theme thing. |
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wandering Member
since 2001-01-21
Posts 92 |
I’m not crying I’m disabled, But don’t get me wrong I’m quite able. I really connect with this...excellent job...what we wish we had done...wanderer lost in thought, found in words. wanderer |
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forne_marin Member
since 2004-04-13
Posts 140Spartanburg, South Carolina |
This is more your speed. I like your bitter little poems. Heh. I like the rhythm in this one, and I liked the play on words you have, especially the last three lines where you use the word "alone" insted of "along". That's really cool. I do have a few nitpicky things. Stanza 1 you have "I tore away from her, / Rose colored lies..." In this context, "Rose colored lines" is a dependant clause with no direct object. It's just sitting in the middle of the line with no connection to the rest of the sentance. That comma is killing you and needs to be dropped, because the "rose colored lies" (if I'm reading the sentance right) IS the direct object of the previous phrase: "I tore away from her". What you "tore away" was the "lies". You also need a period in the middle of the 2nd line of stanza four. "I’m not crying. I’m disabled". You also need a comma in the middle of line 3, "But don't get me wrong, I'm quite able." Stanza 6 has some great repetition in it. The repeating of "I know" and the word "alone" are great methods for showing the mindset of the speaker. All and all it's a good piece. You just need to be more careful in your editing process. I believe the most important component of a poem is rhythm. Rhythm is the heartbeat of a poem. It is what makes poetry poetry. |
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