How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Archives
 Open Poetry #12 Archive
 All Along the Way
 1 2 3 4
Follow us on Facebook

 This is an Archive. You may post a reply, but new topics are not allowed.

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

All Along the Way

 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
Effigy
Member
since 04-11-2000
Posts 490
Just sitting at the computer


0 posted 01-22-2001 03:07 PM       View Profile for Effigy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Effigy

I tore away from her,
Rose colored lies, And a
Little more of that little fable.

She was always good,
quite quick flying through
the air, but not without cable.

Now I found,
All she believed
was nothing,
I am sad
All I am
Was something.

But the smoke stings my eyes
I知 not crying I知 disabled,
But don稚 get me wrong I知 quite able.

She thinks in pristine dreams
Always lost, should have never read
That missing warning label.

I know
I know
I should have held her
I should have looked into those eyes.
Now I知 alone
Alone.
I知 here by myself
again.

I have grown alone the way.
I have lived alone the way.
I have lost alone the way.





[This message has been edited by Effigy (edited 01-22-2001).]
© Copyright 2001 Effigy - All Rights Reserved
Kethry
Member Rara Avis
since 07-29-2000
Posts 9235
Victoria Australia


1 posted 01-22-2001 03:13 PM       View Profile for Kethry   Email Kethry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kethry

Effigy,
It's very good, should the last lines have read along or did you plan alone to fit the theme?
write on
Kethry


Those of us who refuse to risk and grow get swallowed up by life. Patty Hansen.


Effigy
Member
since 04-11-2000
Posts 490
Just sitting at the computer


2 posted 01-22-2001 03:17 PM       View Profile for Effigy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Effigy

Thanks I'm glad that you liked.
It's a theme thing.
wandering
Member
since 01-21-2001
Posts 94


3 posted 01-23-2001 07:38 PM       View Profile for wandering   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for wandering

I知 not crying I知 disabled,
But don稚 get me wrong I知 quite able.
I really connect with this...excellent job...what we wish we had done...wanderer

lost in thought, found in words.
wanderer
forne_marin
Member
since 04-13-2004
Posts 140
Spartanburg, South Carolina


4 posted 05-07-2004 10:45 AM       View Profile for forne_marin   Email forne_marin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit forne_marin's Home Page   View IP for forne_marin

This is more your speed. I like your bitter little poems. Heh.

I like the rhythm in this one, and I liked the play on words you have, especially the last three lines where you use the word "alone" insted of "along". That's really cool. I do have a few nitpicky things.

Stanza 1 you have "I tore away from her, / Rose colored lies..." In this context, "Rose colored lines" is a dependant clause with no direct object. It's just sitting in the middle of the line with no connection to the rest of the sentance. That comma is killing you and needs to be dropped, because the "rose colored lies" (if I'm reading the sentance right) IS the direct object of the previous phrase: "I tore away from her". What you "tore away" was the "lies".

You also need a period in the middle of the 2nd line of stanza four. "I知 not crying. I知 disabled". You also need a comma in the middle of line 3, "But don't get me wrong, I'm quite able."

Stanza 6 has some great repetition in it. The repeating of "I know" and the word "alone" are great methods for showing the mindset of the speaker.

All and all it's a good piece. You just need to be more careful in your editing process.

I believe the most important component of a poem is rhythm. Rhythm is the heartbeat of a poem. It is what makes poetry poetry.

 
 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Archives >> Open Poetry #12 >> All Along the Way Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors