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Passions in Poetry

Out of Time

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Effigy
Member
since 04-11-2000
Posts 490
Just sitting at the computer


0 posted 11-29-2000 03:48 PM       View Profile for Effigy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Effigy

How must it be
to be inside,
so warm and clean
so low inside?

How would it be
to see me now
so cold and tired
so warn down?

Now I have done
what can not be.
I can not undo
why can't you see?

I'm lost
I've died
I'm lost
I've tried

So won't you pick me up?
So won't you take me
out of time?

Thought you knew me
so damn good. So damn well.
You thought you left me
but to your suprise I'm here.

I just wanted it to be
what it was you thought
you might could see.

Like a martyr on a cross
you felt you had done no wrong.
Like I peasant in in the crowd
I knew I wasn't weak...
BUT DAMNIT I WASN'T STRONG!

Take me out, take me away.
Pick me up and throw me down.

Rewind the watches.
Rewind the crime.
Rewind me cause
I'm out of time.
© Copyright 2000 Effigy - All Rights Reserved
SEA
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 01-18-2000
Posts 24152
with you


1 posted 11-29-2000 04:58 PM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

Effigy~ Wow.....this hurts to read, I hope all is ok with you.   -SEA
Daniel J D
Senior Member
since 10-01-2000
Posts 1492
Hillcrest, Queensland, Austral


2 posted 11-29-2000 07:13 PM       View Profile for Daniel J D   Email Daniel J D   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Daniel J D

Effigy,
Easy there, well written.

Respond to my call and let the waves of my heart fill your life with the wonders of love
(Daniel J D)
Effigy
Member
since 04-11-2000
Posts 490
Just sitting at the computer


3 posted 11-29-2000 08:27 PM       View Profile for Effigy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Effigy

Don't worry all is good with me. Just stressed out with the end of the semester.
Too many papers too little time.
SpitFire
Member Elite
since 04-19-2000
Posts 2428


4 posted 11-29-2000 08:40 PM       View Profile for SpitFire   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SpitFire

~Hey you,...killer read! Really, you word and place things well. Nice writing. *Peace.

*btw, I'm with you, on the papers and lack of time. Ugh!
Effigy
Member
since 04-11-2000
Posts 490
Just sitting at the computer


5 posted 11-29-2000 11:09 PM       View Profile for Effigy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Effigy

Spitfire- yea these papers suck. One more semester then it will all be over. Thats for your post. I'm glad you enjoyed the poem.
Butterflies_dont_cry
Member Elite
since 03-06-2000
Posts 3768
Michigan


6 posted 11-30-2000 12:17 PM       View Profile for Butterflies_dont_cry   Email Butterflies_dont_cry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Butterflies_dont_cry

You have blown me away with the depth of this....whew! I loved it! Great writing Eff!!

The best and most beautiful things
in the world cannot be seen or even touched
---- they must be felt with the heart~
*??*
forne_marin
Member
since 04-13-2004
Posts 140
Spartanburg, South Carolina


7 posted 05-04-2004 11:20 AM       View Profile for forne_marin   Email forne_marin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit forne_marin's Home Page   View IP for forne_marin

Woo. Woo. Liked it.

Okay, first off, line 2 reads "so warn down", and it should be "so worn down".

I'm a bit of a grammarian, and I should be  dogging you for the line, "Thought you knew me / so damn good." But when you follow it up with "So damn well" it says so much about the speaker and his frame of mind that I had to let it slide.

The only other critique I have is on the "DAMNIT I WASN'T STRONG." It needs to be either "DAMMIT" or "DAMN IT".

Aside from that, I really enjoyed this one. I think the best is the last four lines, "Rewind the watches. / Rewind the crime. / Rewind me cause / I'm out of time."

Good job.

I believe the most important component of a poem is rhythm. Rhythm is the heartbeat of a poem. It is what makes poetry poetry.

 
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