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Passions in Poetry

Constructing Eldorado

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Effigy
Member
since 04-11-2000
Posts 490
Just sitting at the computer


0 posted 11-27-2000 04:06 PM       View Profile for Effigy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Effigy

The sun shines out
over peacful, rolling hills
and fields of growing flowers.

The green grass dotted with
splotches or red, yellow,
pink, an assorted colors.

The man walks along the
the hillsides, gazing at them
as if paintings in some metropolitan museam.

The climbing mountains reach
for the sky, laced with rivers and streams
washing away the dirt and soal.

An animal here, an animal there,
he watches nature's birth and decay.
And nature watches his birth and decay.

All of these cratures painted, blended in
creating a perfect land where ghost
long thought to be forgotten freely roam.

A grand little place, to
his eyes. A glorious Heaven in
the fool's mind.

The birth of Nirvana,
the continued constuction of Eldorado,
on the ever present graveyard of forgotten beauty.

A wonderful little paradise,
a tranquil resting place for the soul,
all of this oozing from his injury.

The garden of Eden,
a lonely darkened coma,
born from his own misery.

He created Eldorado's temples, working each stone
hand by hand. But only he can see
his religion lying behind his closed eyes.





[This message has been edited by Effigy (edited 11-27-2000).]
© Copyright 2000 Effigy - All Rights Reserved
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


1 posted 11-27-2000 04:08 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

I LIKE this...it reminds me of one I did about Coronado Heights...

this is very, very good!


Karilea
If I whisper, will you listen?...
I would rather be silent and write, than speak loudly and be bound.
KRJ



Victoria
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Ascendant
since 08-12-2000
Posts 6020


2 posted 11-27-2000 04:48 PM       View Profile for Victoria   Email Victoria   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Victoria

i love this..beautifully written...

               ~Victoria~


A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
- Paul Valery (1871-1945)

Effigy
Member
since 04-11-2000
Posts 490
Just sitting at the computer


3 posted 11-28-2000 12:10 AM       View Profile for Effigy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Effigy

Thanks I'm glad that you both enjoyed the poem.
Irish Rose
Member Patricius
since 04-06-2000
Posts 10553


4 posted 11-29-2000 08:51 PM       View Profile for Irish Rose   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Irish Rose

Nature is my first love, and this one was sadly true.  It was real.  Thanks for posting it.

What is that you express in your eyes? It seems to me more than all the words I have read in my life.

Walt Whitman


Gemini
Senior Member
since 12-15-1999
Posts 1223
Wisconsin, USA


5 posted 11-29-2000 09:05 PM       View Profile for Gemini   Email Gemini   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Gemini

Effigy-I love your human and historical mix in this, nicely done.
forne_marin
Member
since 04-13-2004
Posts 140
Spartanburg, South Carolina


6 posted 05-07-2004 09:38 AM       View Profile for forne_marin   Email forne_marin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit forne_marin's Home Page   View IP for forne_marin

This is really nice, Wes. I liked this one a lot. It's got beautiful imagery and a great rhythm to it, however you need to be a little more careful and spend a little more time editing your work before you post it. Of course, I guess it's a good thing that all I have is nitpicky on this one.

Stanza two line three needs some work. You have, "pink, an assorted colors." I think you *mean* "... AND assorted colors". If it's a typo, then fine--if not, you need to rethink your word choice because it doesn't make much sense.

Stanza three is one of my favorites, except you mispelled "museum" in the last line.

Stanza four, the last line you mispelled "soil".

Aside from those little things, it's a great piece. It's a little different from your normal fare, but I enjoyed it.

I believe the most important component of a poem is rhythm. Rhythm is the heartbeat of a poem. It is what makes poetry poetry.

 
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