»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #11
»
Mine Angel
| Open Poetry #11 |
|
Mine Angel |
|
|
hoppy Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271 |
Hello all, i'm in need of some serious advice/help/guidance on this poem. Anykind of critique would be very much appriciated. So without anymore rambling here it is I bid you touch my hand while I ponder This vivid dream and extraordinary wonder. Looking into this mirror, wondrous things I see, Such as this breath taking girl just beside me. Glancing in to her eyes I can't help but behold Bits and pieces with volumes yet untold; Shall I be bold enough to openly inquire, About her most sacred thoughts and deepest desire. And what formidable way could I possibly impose Mine quandary except through a soft permeable rose? While in the night's cool air we quietly set So we can savor this thought and not soon forget That even the cosmos and stars held far from our sight Stand lacking lest they behold mine angel sitting here tonight Swift as a shadow, short as any dream; Brief as the lightning in the collied night, That in a spleen unfolds both heaven and earth, And ere a ma |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Hoppy - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
hoppy- very beautiful sentiments here. enjoyed it much.  back to the top! -vicky "...until you have read the verse on his heart, you have not truely met the poet." -vlraynes |
||
Victoria
since 2000-08-12
Posts 5869 |
this is a lovely sonnet..truly is..i think it is gorgeous..the only thing i might be able to help you with is the syllable count..iambic pentameter.. just shorten a few of the lines to about ten syllables..you said you needed serious advice so dont know if you are entering in a contest or what..breathtaking is one word.. loved your poem..hope i helped you a little bit... ~Victoria~ A poem is never finished, only abandoned. - Paul Valery (1871-1945) |
||
|
Aimster Member Elite
since 2000-02-19
Posts 4297Charlotte, NC |
Loved this! Very beautiful and romantic! As for poetic advice hmmm not sure I'm the one to ask...have problems critiqing. this was just wonderful! take care. ~amy~ |
||
|
ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
It's very very good!! Victoria has a point. The poem content is wonderfully expressed and very loving...ethome..... |
||
|
hoppy Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271 |
thanks for the help! oh yes....think i'll pose a question to the females out there.....if a guy were to write this poem for you and read it to you...how would you react? Swift as a shadow, short as any dream; Brief as the lightning in the collied night, That in a spleen unfolds both heaven and earth, And ere a ma |
||
|
CocoBaci Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 3043 |
That even the cosmos and stars held far from our sight Stand lacking lest they behold mine angel sitting here tonight =========================================== HOPPY, this is full of sweet romance ya know that eh... And I especially adore the above-quoted verses you wrote... Enjoyed the read thank you coco [This message has been edited by CocoBaci (edited 12-07-2000).] |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
