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Haikus
| Open Poetry #11 |
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Haikus |
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peppermint35 Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1106Texas, USA |
Note: I'm going to try; tell me if these are right or wrong... Reflecting in nature Water laughing as it flows Surrounded by joy, I am joy too Surrounded by immensity Feeling small, alone and lost A star is small but very bright Pepper "A poem is the very image of life expressed in its eternal truth." Percy Bysshe Shelley |
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| © Copyright 2000 Lavenia Crosley - All Rights Reserved | |||
SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
P35~ I'm just getting the hang of these myself, so I'm really no help......I thought they were beautiful though.......  -SEA |
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Victoria
since 2000-08-12
Posts 5869 |
very beautiful pepper..just shorten the lines to syllables of 5-7-5 thats all..and you will have a haiku..since you asked haa.. ~Victoria~ A poem is never finished, only abandoned. - Paul Valery (1871-1945) |
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peppermint35 Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1106Texas, USA |
Thank you SEA Thanks Victoria.....I did want to know Pepper "A poem is the very image of life expressed in its eternal truth." Percy Bysshe Shelley |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
peppermint, not exactly haiku but i thought these are very good thoughts..esp enjoyed the first one dont fret..keep working on it and im sure you will write lots and lots of haiku!!! good luck,fellow haikuist |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
There's a place on the web, but I forget the address, that gives the history and many parameters to Haiku. Probably if you did a search you'd get there. A word of warning though...I used to do a lot of haiku, but after reading all the stuff there, I gave up. Too many 'strictions. It blew my mind. I always went for the 5,7,5 about nature or human nature. That was enough 'rules' for me. That doesn't mean a person with greater desire to succeed at haiku won't make it, I'm sure. I like the subjects of these pieces and the images they invoke. |
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Beki Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1569Newport Beach, CA, USA |
weeelll..haiku is my particular specialty and the first thing that comes to mind is that these are too long. The traditional form is 5-7-5 as stated above, but there is a whole school of thought that thinks even those are too long...because of the difference in our languages 17 syllables in Japanese would be more like 13-14 in English. So while a haiku can be shorter than 17 syllables it is never longer. The second thing that comes to mind is that a haiku always exists in the here and now, THIS moment, a moment that happens (snap your fingers....) THAT fast, like a verbal photograph. Traditionally the first two lines provide an observation while the last, which is also a kind of turn away from the first two...gives a discovery or bit of wisdom that is the result of the observation. Also, in haiku every syllable must be absolutely necessary to the poem, so "ing" endings are used as little as possible. Likewise repeating a word is avoided. A possible rewrite for your first haiku might be: laughing water flows, reflects nature's joyful song - I sing along. that is just off the top of my head and I could do better with more time but this is your poem...I just wanted you to see the differencees I speak of...a possible rewrite for your second... I feel alone, small within life's immensity - stars are small, but bright. this is not great, but again you can see what I mean. Another thing to remember is that haiku seeks to discover the nature of the universe, while senyru, which has the same form and only differs in theme, seeks to discover the nature of man. Gosh I guess I have thrown enough at you for now...would be glad to help more if you'd like. In the meantime visit my website, www.room1401.com/beki all 20 haiku there have been published [This message has been edited by Beki (edited 11-19-2000).] |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
enjoyed the expert advice, Beki...bumping this up so that others may read  dont fret, pepper, you have very nice thoughts and im sure haiku will be no problem to you at all ...regards |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
Pepper, not haiku's but lovely anyway.BTW if you can do haiku's you earn my undying admiration. write on Kethry Why do yesterdays remain and todays pass by ...unnoticed? Rex E. Alford |
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Butterflies_dont_cry Member Elite
since 2000-03-06
Posts 3733Michigan |
I am just to wordy for Haiku's...lol but this was a beautiful attempt and I'm sure you will have these little gems mastered in no time Pepper! Excellent writing though..the form will come in practice and time and until then...we'll enjoy what flows from your pen!! |
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Mark Bohannan Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269In the winds of Cherokee song |
Whether they hit the 5-7-5 format or not, the verses were beautiful and now that you know the rules I will personally be looking forward to seeing the one that you bring to us. Lovely images my friend and so nice to see you stretching to grow in your poetry. |
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OLIAS Senior Member
since 2000-06-20
Posts 1090Pearl city Iowa |
Excellent read, and very wise words Surrounded by immensity Feeling small, alone and lost A star is small but very bright I enjoyed, Thank you. Regards, Olias. |
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