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I need 1 more verse (HELP PLEASE) rewrite added
| Open Poetry #10 |
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I need 1 more verse (HELP PLEASE) rewrite added |
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Jeffrey Carter
since 2000-04-08
Posts 2367State of constant confusion! 
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OK maybe 2 more verses  chorus Mirror, mirror on the wall Am I the loneliest fool of all? How many times do I need be burned Before this lesson I can learn? Hocus, pocus witch's brew Is there anything that you can do To help mend this broken heart of mine? Or is itbroken for good this time? verse 1 I've tried everything that I've thought of To try again to regain her love But it's no use now it's plain to see She ain't never coming back to me verse 2 She walked away in his arms last night I sat and cried till the morning light Tell me what did I ever do To deserve to be so blue [This message has been edited by Jeffrey Carter (edited 11-03-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jeffrey D. Carter - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
Let me offer this: Will I ever feel a love again and hold the warmth from falling rain, I know that dreams must all come true, my mirror shines, with those of you.< !signature--> "When red-haired girls scamper like roses over the rain-green grass, and the sun drips honey."" Laurie Lee Kathleen [This message has been edited by Irish Rose (edited 11-02-2000).] |
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Victoria
since 2000-08-12
Posts 5869 |
i thought of her each time i awoke i bragged about her to my folk now in the breeze out to sea memories of my baby haunting me ha A poem is never finished, only abandoned. - Paul Valery (1871-1945) |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I'll think some more JC---but I wanted to pop in to say that anyone who would deliberately hurt you is not even worth your tears. HUGS for you, because I know how difficult it is. I just like to believe there's something better waiting just around the bend. Peace. |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
some things we just cant get over and I dont see me ever getting over you So just let me be in my destined misery color me lonely ... then paint me blue. ***** (off the top of my head) love your verses... perfect chorus... ya know we love when you sing those country blues jeff-gator jm oooppps just came back..noticed i didnt match your rhyme pattern...oh well...you can play with the words.. Ill think of some more... we can do a jeffery needs a verse pingpong thread *smile* we will write ya a whole cd [This message has been edited by Janet Marie (edited 11-02-2000).] |
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Ron K. Fox Senior Member
since 2000-10-24
Posts 925 |
Mirrored reflection that I see Where the blame must really be Tell me now, which is true Was it me or was it you? Tossing words like wishful coins into the deep well of an open heart. R. fox |
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Butterflies_dont_cry Member Elite
since 2000-03-06
Posts 3733Michigan |
*sigh* I'm merely a back up singer in the shower or I can make one heck of a groupie...lol this is great and I love to see what you draw out of others...very very cool~ |
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Paula Finn Member Ascendant
since 2000-06-17
Posts 5546missouri |
I let a new love slip away Knowing you'd come back to stay But looking in this mirror I see You were just my fantasy You will always hold a part Of this lonely lovers heart Maybe someday I'll find A way to lose you in my mind |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Why is it so hard to accept my fate. I must go on my future awaits. James |
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Jeffrey Carter
since 2000-04-08
Posts 2367State of constant confusion! |
Thanks but still not quite what i am looking for.....it needs to be like you are telling a story....make the listener feel your pain Here is a rewritten version... I passed that mirror in the hall Didn't recognize myself at all Where is the face I used to see? Would you look at what she's done to me She walked away into his arms that night I sat and cried til the morning light But it's no use now it's plain to see She ain't never coming back to me chorus Mirror, mirror on the wall Am I the loneliest fool of all How many times do I need be burned Before this lesson I finally learn? Hocus, pocus witch's brew Is there anything that you can do To help mend this broken heart of mine? Or is it broken for good this time? Keep em coming  [This message has been edited by Jeffrey Carter (edited 11-03-2000).] |
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Sunnyone Member Ascendant
since 2000-07-06
Posts 5334Staffordshire, England |
Now, Jeffrey......what poet can resist the opportunity to write a verse with a friend?!! So here goes: She left me with my memories, of us and all our used-to-be's... Another time, another place, Another's lips will touch this face... For now I must endure this pain, and take a walk in Love's cold rain... For time, alone, can comfort me... But now...things are as they should be...  Follow your dream! |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
And I know when she left, a part of me died and the rest of me drowned in the tears I cried I need to find what's left of me need to rewrite fate and change destiny ~or~ I don't know where Im going, don't know where Ive been this heart of mine's been condemned for another's sin and I know its an old poetic cliche' ... but Id sell my soul to have back what I had yesterday. ~or not~ ... I just like rhyming.... later-get-your-guitar-gator jm |
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tracie66 Member Elite
since 2000-01-18
Posts 4713Australia |
I'm the mirror on the wall I see your pain and I've watched you fall You have lost her forever you see In the arms of another She'll always be Look deep inside my mirrored face What do you see as we embrace Can you see your future somewhere Inside me as you slowly stare Come a little closer and all will be well As I unfold your life's story "the time you fell" Dear Jeffrey I have no idea if this is any good (just of the top of my head right now) but I wanted to have a go and be apart of this wonderful topic of your's Love Tracie~ ~HUG~ Love is the life of the soul... It is the harmony of the universe |
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Jeffrey Carter
since 2000-04-08
Posts 2367State of constant confusion! |
thanks again you guys you are getting on the right track now ok here's what i want you to do....imagine that this story is the story of "your" life....put yourself in the situation and tell the story through your eyes.....and then ask yourself "would i want someone to say these words to me?" or "would i want to say these words to someone?" like you are just simply telling the story in plain understandable english thanks again for all the help |
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