I'm a wanderer, a nomad...I do
A Confessional Poem from the part of me that you have captured and so easily forgotten (TO JOHN)
As I sit here and look at your picture... remembering the first time we kissed, made love, danced together, experienced eachother... I wonder how you could so easily forget those times... erase them from your memory. And replace them with things gone wrong and words said with such a harmful caliber. There were no intentions of hurting... but it happened. And now I regret the day I met you, regret the moment I allowed myself that one last chance to feel something other than lust, regret the day you held me in your arms and said "I love you". Not because I dislike the memories, but because they hurt so bad to remember....and I cant help but to remember. My heart is aching more than it has in years. I thought I had forgotten the pain a broken heart could cause. I thought I had finally had the chance to believe once again that love had existed. I guess I was wrong. It seems that the emotions of our making love and holding eachother while we slept, going to the club and being the only two people in there (or so it seemed), you suddenly pulling me close and whispering you'd never let me go.... were only felt by me. And now I sit here wasting away, becoming an empty shell once more. Not wanting the love to end. Wishing with everything that's left in me to feel you hold me again, to feel you kiss me again, to have you look at me after a passionate night of extacy.. of making love (not just sex) and tell me that you love me, and you want to keep me around for a long time.... How I long to be with you... And the fact that you don't even care, the fact that you dispise me so much... causes my heart to shatter even more. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach now... constanty sinking... you took a sledgehammer and shattered what was left of my pitiful heart... I can see you out with someone else... me out of your mind completely. And you will catagorize me as yet another ***** ex-girlfriend, when you know it wasn't like that with me. You will tell her of how I did everything wrong... how I was just not right in the head.. You won't remember the good times we've had, you won't remember the nights you said I was everything you wanted. And I wonder where I went wrong. Although I know it was my complaining, my constant need to argue with you. It was not just a need to argue... it was a need to resolve issues with you, and you would get upset, and then I would get upset, and we would fight... you couldn't ever talk to me. And when I had questions, you would deny me the answers. I know most of all, the arguing on my behalf, was more or less the need to see you, the need to talk to you and be with you. You should give me another chance. You don't know what you've got until it's gone. I knew what I had, I just didn't realize that I needed it so much. I tried to move on, i had the chance. A guy you dispise has offered to take me for the night.... I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to it... it just wouldnt' be the same... not without you... I cant deny I have fallen... I have been so enthralled with you from the beginning. Before I even met you... when we just talked on the phone. You always gave me butterflies. And now what's left of me? I have made myself miserable over you, over what you might be doing, wondering if you're even thinking of me....you have become my desire... and I know you'll think me crazy.. and yes, I am crazy... over you. I wish you could see how much I cry. I can't even sit for 5 minutes without bursting into tears. I don't think I've cried this much in years. I long for you to be here, to say "shhhh baby, don't cry... it'll be ok". Your voice lingers in my mind... of now forgotten promises. and it makes me wonder.. what were your intentions? What was your motivation to twist my heart in two? And I know that as you read this, you will roll your eyes and delete it, never to think of it again... I wish it were you instead of me... I wish that you could experience the torment I am in now...Not out of malice, but so that you would understand what you have done to this heart of mine... this heart that I allowed you to change from stone to mush. If you could just think back to when we first made love... REALLY made love, and tell me that you felt nothing between us... think back to when you would wake me up just before you left for work just to kiss me goodbye... and tell me you felt nothing between us.... think to when I would allow you to tickle me, no matter how much I hated it.. screaming "stop! baby" and playfully attempting to get you back... and tell me you felt nothing between us. And if you realize that , yes, there was something there... realize this... it was never lost, just misplaced, and together we can find it again... I love you.. it's been so long since I've said that, I almost forgotten how.. but I love you. There is no mistaking it. And I know that at one time you loved me... and that maybe deep down you still do, and you just deny that, in order to save yourself from whatever hell you think will follow that emotion. I can show you (if you'd give me the chance one more time) that things could be different. I had no way of knowing that it would take time for you to react to the deal that we had made...give me the opportunity to love you again... remember the days we layed in bed together, lazily holding onto eachother.... the times you'd wake me up in the middle of the night just to tell me to hold you... There is something between us that is unmistakable... and although you run from it, it is still there. Unhappieness does not last a lifetime (unless, of course, you are me... but it did not have to be that way). And I could make you happy... but you must let me... I could show you once more, that love doesn't have to be you over there and me over here (metaphorically of course). It could be us... not just you and not just me, but us... involve me, as I try so hard to involve you. Don't disregard this as some insane rant, because it comes from my heart, and hearts cannot be insane, only in love or in pain. And right now, mine is both... in pain BECAUSE I am in love. I was happy with you... regardless of the fighting, I was happy just knowing that you were there... I was happy just knowing that when we made up, things would be so wonderful again... And although I agree that we fought a lot... I also believe that we needed to vent our frustrations... but you think it got out of hand... It didn't... it got misconstrued... misinterpreted. Sometimes we say things that we don't mean... and none of this is anything like that. This is my heart speaking, not me... this is my soul reaching, not me. I am nothing now... just a walking misery. And I beg you to look into me... not what is on the surface (which is what I've been showing lately) but what is deep down. I beg you to try to see me in another light... and to know that when people have a lot of negative things going on, they can't quite think straight... which has a lot to do with my behavior. But I am trying to resolve issues that cause these negative things to happen... so that I can be happy, and once again begin to make you happy. Please... please... just think about what we've shared, and remember that there is still something there. And although you might not see it, I do. You may be blind to it right now, but eventually, you will see... Just know that I love you... love can't even describe it... and I miss you more than anything... Please reconsider... for I am lost now, and I need you so much... reconsider... don't give up on me as so many others have. Don't leave me.... like you always said you wouldn't. Don't cut me off because I am weak now... remember my soul... remember my heart... remember I love you no matter what.
"It was my love that did us both to death. " -Sylvia Plath