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Open Poetry #7
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Balladeer
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since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

0 posted 2000-06-04 11:38 PM


Our marriage had been wonderful. At least I thought it so.
That's why the pain was so intense the day you turned to go.
I'd been with you so many years it wasn't easy to
Face the thought of going through a lifetime without you.

For months I never left the house. I lie in bed instead,
A slideshow of our life together playing in my head.
Your fingerprints upon my heart I still could not erase
So there I sat, evading that new world I couldn't face.

After a brief time I began to drive the streets at night,
Drove for hours in melancholy shades of neon light
Ate in all-night diners where the lonely people go
And watched the night unfolding over endless cups of joe.

I watched young lovers, arm in arm, with laughter in their eyes
Giggle to each other over omelettes and fries.
I saw old men in corners, trying hard to be unseen.
Young love in front - old men behind - and I sat in-between.

A parade of lonely months went by. The time had come at last
To move along and put away the heartaches of the past.
Although my thoughts were still of you I had to start anew
To put together pieces of a lifetime I once knew.

I asked a girl at work if she would like to catch a show
But she was busy so I asked another - who said no.
Diana at the diner also turned my offer down.
I just could not believe a willing girl could not be found!

I've been considered handsome. I've succeeded at my work.
My clothes are always neat. I don't come on like I'm some jerk.
Girls have always eyed me - gave me signals that said GO
But, at the point I needed someone, all I heard was no.

And then that's when it hit me. I knew what they tried to say.
The desperate need they saw in me was why they turned away.
There was a big sign LOSER on my forehead in full view.
The confidence I'd always felt has disappeared with you.

One night while I was driving….it was 4 AM or so
I saw a flashing neon sign give off a fading glow.
MASSAGE - OPEN 24 HOURS was what the message bore..
A desperate need for someone's touch propelled me through the door.

The room they led me into had a table - nothing more,
A hook to hang my clothes on and an unswept concrete floor.
I closed my eyes, took off my clothes and lay there very still
Not knowing if my shaking came from shame or evening chill.

She entered through the side door. As a beauty, she was not.
Whatever looks she might have had were fully gone to pot.
She weighed around 260 and her hair-do was a fright
And, in a string bikini, she was really quite a sight!

I kept my eyes closed very tight and felt her hands begin.
I was surprised the gentle way her fingers touched my skin.
It had been many months since I had felt another's touch
And hadn't realized that I had missed it so damn much.

Her hands went on their merry way.It didn't matter who….
Carresses I was feeling could have only come from you.
I heard the roaches scurrying across the concrete floor
But, lost in your sweet memories, I only wanted more.

I asked her to lie down with me and hold me for a while,
Pretend she cared about me - She just looked at me and smiled.
I asked her to touch me in ways to summon passion's thrill
And treat me like a lover….Here her smile grew wider still.

By this time I was pleading. I would pay! I didn't care!
My needs came pouring unrestrained as I was lying there.
With self-respect behind me, in a moment quite unproud,
I begged her to make love to me…That's when she laughed out loud.

And that was when it happened. I could feel my mind go numb.
Her laughter was a wake-up call to what I had become.
I looked at myself on the table in full nudity
And at this obese woman who was laughing down at me.

I looked at my clothes on the hook, the dirty concrete floor,
Chipped polish on her fingernails, exit sign on door.
Her head had brushed a hanging light bulb, swaying to and fro
Which gave the scene an eerie and surrealistic glow.

I got down from the table, put my feet on solid ground.
I took my clothes down from the hook and dressed without a sound.
I smiled at that old woman I'd been begging for a touch
And, in a tranquil voice, I said "I thank you very much".

The graying dawn was breaking in the cool of morning chill.
The birds were singing, sun was creeping over yonder hill.
The grass was coated with a sheet of early-morning dew.
I smiled up at the clouds and then…..began my life anew.


© Copyright 2000 Michael Mack - All Rights Reserved
Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554

1 posted 2000-06-04 11:46 PM


sweet sweet deer,
there are SO many lines in this that touch me
i dont even know how to respond ...
i am at a loss for words...
so i will simply and sincerely say...
I LOVE WHEN YOU WRITE LIKE THIS...
thank you for sharing this with us.
take care my kind-wisepoet
jm

 I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - that I know too much
I can't relate and that's a problem
I'm feeling ...
If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
cuz there's a little bit of something me...
In everything in you.
~MB20~

"What the caterpillar calls the end ...
The world calls a butterfly"
~Lao Tze Tao~
~Butterflies are meant to be free~


Temptress
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-06-15
Posts 7136
Mobile, AL
2 posted 2000-06-04 11:48 PM


Quite the story teller as always.    It had just the right touches of something amusing, and something serious.   Yep. I definetely enjoyed it.  

 Nothing can deter a poet, for he is actuated by pure love. Who can predict his comings and goings? "Thoreau"



Martie
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Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049
California
3 posted 2000-06-05 12:12 PM


I guess sometimes there is a point when the only way to travel is up...what a great story teller you are, my deer...a very poignant human story.
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

4 posted 2000-06-05 12:17 PM


Yes, wonderful story, and you have proven once again that you are a very talented writer of fiction!  

Denise

X Angel
Senior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 1521
Oregon
5 posted 2000-06-05 12:22 PM


ba da bom!
This was great Deer...you had me absolutely hooked. I love your writing...*encore encore*
~H

mariee66
Senior Member
since 2000-01-30
Posts 596
Recess, OfYourMind
6 posted 2000-06-05 01:01 AM


Once I started reading, I couldn't stop!  This was a great story!
Marie~

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

7 posted 2000-06-05 05:05 AM


You are simply amazing...
Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774
Ontario, Canada
8 posted 2000-06-05 05:43 AM


Great verse Baladeer ... I read from start to end eagerly anticipating the outcome ... well done!

Best wishes,
/Kit

Irish Rose
Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263

9 posted 2000-06-05 06:10 AM


Oh Good Lord!! I don't know whether to write about the movies or massages, this is great, and believe I have had a few experiences with massages!!!!
by the way my sister in law is gorgeous and gives a great massage but right now she's nursing a broken arm  
this was one I couldn't wait to finish, but I wasn't too terribly surprised at the ending, after all this isn't the adult forum!!!


 Kathleen
indy31_99@yahoo.com


Butterflies_dont_cry
Member Elite
since 2000-03-06
Posts 3733
Michigan
10 posted 2000-06-05 06:21 AM


All it takes it a touch.............wow this is very powerful writing m'dear!! I'm always impressed by your perception and your stories within your weave.........BRAVO!!
doreen peri
Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812
Virginia
11 posted 2000-06-05 07:26 AM


Yes. You were right. I did enjoy this very much. (The image you painted of the massuese was a riot, btw)

I'd like to know what happened after that, tho.... birds, sun, early morning dew, clouds... and a smile... sound lovely but...

what about that missing touch? how did the 'new life' progress?

Well done, Michael. As always, you show a wisdom I respect while telling a story with style and finesse. This one paints a vivid picture of the interior of a man's soul (and a pretty vivid picture of the interior of a dank and dismal massage parlor, too... LOL)... and builds to his realization of the need to snap out of his situation and get back to living.

Thanks for posting this.

doreen

WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245
Illinois
12 posted 2000-06-05 10:36 AM


How I miss your story telling! A little chuckle right in the middle of a serious subject. I'm with Doreen here, you need to write a sequel here, part 2. Please???  

Let us know what happened when you walked out that door. Excellent story telling as always Michael! Entranced from the beginning.

Elizabeth
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Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 1999-06-07
Posts 6871
Minnesota
13 posted 2000-06-05 10:44 AM


I wanna see a sequel too...

Elizabeth


 And this I say to you: why? Why? Just tell me why, so I can understand. Why?



angelswing
Senior Member
since 2000-02-10
Posts 705
United Kingdom
14 posted 2000-06-05 10:44 AM


What a well written poem, I love the way you write with so much experience, it's as if you've been there, but then again old age is a home for the damned and spent so open the doors I'm on my way there write now . I thought your imagery was very explicitly detailed, wounderful .
L.of.L. Tom .


 Insanity is a perfectly normal responce to an abnormal world -R.D.Laing.-

angelsamongus
Member
since 2000-05-27
Posts 70
New York
15 posted 2000-06-05 10:57 AM


'deer I really enjoyed this. I smiled and felt saddened all at the same time(hoping this is pure fiction).
You have a gift!
I really liked this excerpt best
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I watched young lovers, arm in arm, with laughter in their eyes
Giggle to each other over omelettes and fries.
I saw old men in corners, trying hard to be unseen.
Young love in front - old men behind - and I sat in-between.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*
I love your use of extremes, so many times I have felt the same.
~Lori


passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
16 posted 2000-06-05 10:57 AM


Balladeer: you certainly touched a nerve with this one...thanks for letting me read your feelings here

 ~shadows dance by the light within~


Corinne
Member Ascendant
since 1999-10-28
Posts 5167
state of confusion
17 posted 2000-06-05 11:27 AM


Balladear,

Your message (not massage!) of how we must first grieve when love ends is told with the razor edge of experience, softened by a kind heart.

What I loved most about this, is the openess.
Sharing a part of you with us, it's a very intimate and bold thing to do. Makes the poem all that much more dear, deer.

Corinne

Poertree
Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359
UK
18 posted 2000-06-05 12:29 PM


pretty damn good job Mr Deer .... it took me right there .. three quarters way through I suddenly woke up and found I was sitting in my office .. only one or two other poems have ever done that to me ....LOL................... what woke me up, you ask?? (well even if you don't ask I'm still gonna tell ya!!)... twas the last line of this stanza:

quote:
I kept my eyes closed very tight and felt her hands begin.
I was surprised the gentle way her fingers touched my skin.
It had been many months since I had felt another's touch
And hadn't realized that I had missed it so damn much.


something seems wrong with the stresses or the meter and the syllable count is only 13 (either that or it's the language thing again)...

It starts to go wrong with the word "missed" i think the first syllable of which is stressed and immediately follows the stressed "had".  Also there are maybe a few too many "hads" in the last two lines. ........ lol...halfway through this diatribe i just suddenly RE-A-LIZED what the problem might be ... i guess you are pronouncing "realized" as three syllables as opposed to the two REA-LIZED that i use ...... ok it works now .....sorreeeeeee

anyway a compellingly realistic story, anyone would think you'd been there .....

Philip  

Sunshine
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Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
19 posted 2000-06-05 01:51 PM


'Deer, I love it when you come back and thrill us all with a new piece...and accolades notwithstanding, when you write like this, you always make me feel fortunate to be in my own shoes...

one of these days, you'll have to tell me how much of it is truth...and how much of it is fiction...

all in all, you read people quite well.

 Sunshine

~~~Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow.
Helen Keller ~~~


A Romantic Heart
Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-03
Posts 5496
Forever In Your Heart
20 posted 2000-06-05 02:09 PM


Balladeer, dear sweet Balladeer, the pain of yor loneliness throuhout this poem is so heartbreaking. Wanting to be loved and held, touched and needed. I think you are quite a gentlman, and with your poetry you could capture any woman you wanted
Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium
21 posted 2000-06-05 02:10 PM


Balladeer,
What can I do, except bow down in deep respect for your splendid writing?

What can I do but to hope that one day in time, I could weave such wonderful stories with the flip of my pen?

What can I do but be silent, and stand stupefied?

What can I do but say, I enjoyed this immensely, the centrepiece was magnificent...


I watched young lovers, arm in arm, with laughter in their eyes
Giggle to each other over omelettes and fries.
I saw old men in corners, trying hard to be unseen.
Young love in front - old men behind - and I sat in-between.

A parade of lonely months went by. The time had come at last
To move along and put away the heartaches of the past.
Although my thoughts were still of you I had to start anew
To put together pieces of a lifetime I once knew.


...........

Regards, sudhir


 Hey you, out there in the cold,
Getting lonely, getting old, can you feel me?
Hey you, standing in the aisle,
With itchy feet and fading smile, can you feel me?
Hey you, don't help them to bury the light.
Don't give in without a fight.
Hey you, out there on your own,
Sitting naked by the phone, would you touch me?
Hey you, with your ear against the wall,
Waiting for someone to call out, would you touch me?
Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone?
Open your heart, I'm coming home....

by Roger Waters (Pink Floyd) - The Wall

suthern
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Seraphic
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723
Louisiana
22 posted 2000-06-05 04:02 PM


Wow!!!! I only had a moment to visit... and didn't realize I'd sit here reading and rereading... *S*

It's strange, isn't it... the gentlest touch can leave fingerprints on a heart marking it as "taken"... even when it's been given back.

LngJhnAg
Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508
Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion
23 posted 2000-06-05 04:08 PM


'Deer - yanno - this is another great poem - I know it wasn't an accident that it appears here - you are making me look worse and worse  with all these sweet poems - You are a true scalawag - stealing all these ladies' hearts and making me look uncouth and lowly.  I don't need your help, yanno!  lol
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA
24 posted 2000-06-05 04:11 PM


You have said a great deal with this one Balladeer....but here's to new beginnings and may we always learn from the past...my glass is raised to your poetic abilities  
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
25 posted 2000-06-05 09:12 PM


Janet Marie...One comment like yours makes the writing all worthwhile. You are such a sweet person. Thank you...

Temptress...Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Martie...yep, that's true and, in the words of that old Toerag spiritual "I Been Down So Long it Looks Like Up to Me"  

Denise...I like to write fictional poems. This was not one of them. Thank you, my friend.

X Angel...any ba da bom from you is holy to me   Thank you, pardner.

Marie66...Thank you for the very kind words.

Serenity...nah, I'm just a little ole balladeer but I     truly thank you for saying it  

Kit...Thank you very much for the well-done. That is the best praise a writer can hear.

Irish Rose...Gorgeous sister-in-law? Masseuse? Well, she's still got one hand working, right? hehe. No, it's not the adult forum. How could it be when LongJohn is here?

butterflies...yes, touch is definitely of utmost importance. Thank you for reading...

Doreen...what comes after? When a person has respect and self-confidence anything is possible....thank you, dear friend, for enjoying it...

Dovey...I may just do that. I know what happened...thank you, little dove.

Elizabeth...ok, I feel the need. Sequel will be forthcoming....

angelswing...give my regards to the boys at Happy Acres when ya get there! Thank you for coming by.....

Angelsamongus...Thank you, Lori. Yes, I do have a gift....readers and friends like you  

Passingshadows....My pleasure and thank you very much.

Corinne...I can do it only because there is a large but intimate group of people here that I believe in. Thank you, dear....

Poertree...I'm glad you reAlized the error in your thinking. Also I had had a rough night and had just felt like I had had it!! LOL! I appreciate your comments and the thoroughness of your reply...

Sunshine...Thank you so much. Yes, I've had a lot of experience reading people for sure. There are so many inside me sometimes I don't know which one is me  

Romantic Heart...thank you VERY much for your kind words but, unfortunately, you are incorrect. Shania Twain won't even open my letters!!!

Sudhir....and what can I do except to say thank you for such a wonderful reply? I appreciate it very much...

Suthern...Yes, it is strange but that's the way the toe stubs! It is always so good to see you around!!! Let's have more of it, ok???

LongJohn...I would never describe you like that. You are couth and highly to me! Now, ept would be stretching it a little   Thanks, Mike...

Hoot...I certainly join in a toast to new beginnings...and I'm very happy for yours. Be well, my friend...


Marge Tindal
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Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores
26 posted 2000-06-05 09:28 PM


Balladeer~

Read this one when I got up this morning.
Read it at work today.
Read it when I first got home this evening.
Read it again just now ....
it is a marvelous piece of poetry,
but more than that ... it is a piece of you.
Nothing from this corner but admiration
for your talent.

Enjoyed this very, very much.
(Sure beats the hockey finals !)  
Love ya', Balladeer.
~*Marge*~



 ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com


Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
27 posted 2000-06-05 09:40 PM


Thank you, dear Marge. I've always wanted to be better than a flying puck!
Luv ya'  

PoetasterD
Junior Member
since 2000-06-03
Posts 42
Florida
28 posted 2000-06-05 09:51 PM


I don't know whether to laugh or cry!    

Poetaster D

Tennessee Angel
Senior Member
since 2000-06-03
Posts 661
Tennessee
29 posted 2000-06-05 10:28 PM


There's not much I can say that hasn't already been said in the previous 28 comments, but I am in absolute awe of your talent.  Reading your work makes me strive to be a better writer.  I started out feeling pity and ended feeling pride.  This is definately one of those reads that you go back to time and time again.

 "That man has shown himself great who has never grieved in evil days and never bewailed his destiny." --Seneca

Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
30 posted 2000-06-05 10:39 PM


Poetaster....either one is acceptable....and greatly appreciated. Thank you...

Tennessee Angel....words like yours can bring a moist feeling to an old 'deer's eyes. Thank you so very much for your kindness  


Alle'cram
Senior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 1816
Texas
31 posted 2000-06-05 10:52 PM


Great story. (chuckle)
Many a men/women can relate to your story.
So, walk like a winner, thats the secret, huh? Great job.  marcy

Dragon's Soul
Junior Member
since 2000-06-04
Posts 25

32 posted 2000-06-05 11:23 PM


Uh......Wow!
That's all i can say

Poertree
Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359
UK
33 posted 2000-06-06 07:44 AM


"Also I had had a rough night and had just felt like I had had it!!"

... had WHAT exactly BD??  

ever feel like you've been had? heh heh  still a great story despite the excesses  

P

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