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Passions in Poetry

Wedding Bands (HELP!! this needs to be ready for the weekend)

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Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


0 posted 06-01-2000 04:37 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Marilyn

Hello my friends and trusted advisors.     I have a wedding to attend this weekend and my present is going to be this poem. I intend to put a graphic behind it and frame it. I have also been asked to read this at the reception so I would like it to be as perfect as possible. (for me that is...lol) I would like any imput you can give me. Thanks.    

Marilyn


I slip this ring upon your hand,
Unbroken circle, sacred band.
And with this ring I vow to you,
Throughout our lives I will be true.

Through all the times when tempers flare,
Although I hope those will be rare.
Through all the times of painful woe,
I'll stand beside you - shield the blow.

Then in times of joy and bliss,
I'll laugh with you and share a kiss.
I'll listen when you need to talk,
I'll hold you tight and be your rock.

I'll understand your funny ways,
I'll tolerate your witless days.
I'll love you true with all my heart,
At death, my love, is when we'll part.

As allthe years fly quickly by,
A tarnished ring may catch your eye.
The circle still unbroken be,
Just as the vow I promised thee.

For tarnish taints the surface shine,
It can not touch what lies behind.
The precious metal, symbol of,
My never ending, purest love.



 When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shodows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face...

William Butler Yeats




[This message has been edited by Marilyn (edited 06-01-2000).]
© Copyright 2000 Marilyn - All Rights Reserved
Poet deVine
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Member Empyrean
since 05-26-99
Posts 25869
Hurricane Alley


1 posted 06-01-2000 05:02 PM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

Hi, as I said on ICQ, throughout is one word. I'll read through this and send my comments via email.  
LoveBug
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
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Member Ascendant
since 01-08-2000
Posts 5015


2 posted 06-01-2000 05:51 PM       View Profile for LoveBug   Email LoveBug   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LoveBug

Hey, I like the poem very much, but I don't think I can be of much help, as I said before. But I can bump this up for you!

*BUMP*


 "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." -Oscar Wilde
Mike
Member Elite
since 06-19-99
Posts 2528


3 posted 06-01-2000 06:16 PM       View Profile for Mike   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mike

The poem is beautiful the way it is written.
If I were to make some suggestions, and just that... in the whatever it is worth department...

I slip this ring upon your hand,
Unbroken circle, sacred band,
For with this ring, I vow to you,
Forevermore, to you be true.

Through troubled times, when tempers flare,
Within my heart, shall always care,
Though mournful times of painful woe,
I'll stand beside to shield pain's blow.

In wonderous times of blissful joy,
I'll laugh with you, our lives enjoy,
I'll listen when you need to talk,
I'll hold you tight, will be your rock.

I'll understand your funny ways,
I'll tolerate your witless days,
I'll love you true, with all my heart,
'Til death, my love, at last we part.

As years pass by, if time does bring,
A tarnish to this sacred ring,
To you this pledge, in true love spoken,
Will sacred vow, remain unbroken.

For tarnish taints but surface shine,
In cannot touch, what now is mine,
This precious ring, a symbol of,
My everlasting, purest love.

Again, it was beautiful the way you wrote it Marilyn...
X Angel
Senior Member
since 11-07-1999
Posts 1592
Oregon


4 posted 06-01-2000 06:23 PM       View Profile for X Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for X Angel

Very nice, great flow....

As allthe years fly quickly by,
A tarnished ring may catch your eye.
The circle still unbroken be,

allthe should be two words, but all in all I think this is lovely and the bride and groom will love it
~H
Jana Tovey
Member
since 05-30-2000
Posts 257
USA


5 posted 06-01-2000 07:19 PM       View Profile for Jana Tovey   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Jana Tovey

I slip this ring upon your hand,
Unbroken circle, sacred band.
And with this ring I vow to you,
Throughout our lives I will be true.

Through all the times when tempers flare,
Although I hope those will be rare.
Through all the times of painful woe,
I'll stand beside you - shield the blow.

Then in times of joy and bliss,
I'll laugh with you and share a kiss.
I'll listen when you need to talk,
I'll hold you tight, I'll be your rock.

I'll understand your funny ways,
I'll tolerate your witless days.
I'll love you true with all my heart,
And death, my love, is when we'll part.

As all the years fly quickly by,
A tarnished ring may catch your eye.
The circle still unbroken be,
Just as the vow I promised thee.

Though tarnish taints the surface shine,
It can not touch what lies behind.
The precious metal, symbol of,
My never ending, purest love.

The changes are small, the poem is lovely.  Your friends are lucky.  I hope this poem is the lucky charm the guides them through their life as partners.



lorilockheart
Member
since 05-06-2000
Posts 206
Alabama


6 posted 06-01-2000 07:20 PM       View Profile for lorilockheart   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for lorilockheart

Marilyn,

It's hard to give any advice because this is so good already.  Seriously.  Very good.  I think it's perfect the way it is.  
Lori

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean. Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens. Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance. And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance - I hope you dance.
song by LeeAnn Womack
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
jbouder
Member Elite
since 09-18-99
Posts 2641
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash


7 posted 06-01-2000 09:46 PM       View Profile for jbouder   Email jbouder   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for jbouder

Marilyn:

I agree with the others that this is a wonderful tribute to your friends for their wedding day.  I like how Mike cured the inversion problem that I saw in Line 4 of your last stanza but I am not sure I like all of the commas he added.  Perhaps "Forevermore I will be true" would read better.

I'm not a great fan of slipping archaic "thee's" into a poem where they are used nowhere else but a wedding is a sentimental moment and "thee" has a sentimental ring to it so (at the risk of damaging my reputation) I think it should stay.  I do know, however, that I don't like "unbroken be".  It sounds pretty forced to me which tells me that the rhyme is controlling the line.

Otherwise, a very nice job.  I am sure your friends will appreciate the fine job you did on this for a very long time.

Jim
SEA
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 01-18-2000
Posts 24152
with you


8 posted 06-01-2000 10:20 PM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

Marilyn~ This is beautiful! I wish I had it on my wall. I do like the way Mike did it too. He had really good suggestions. Your friends are very lucky to recieve such a personal gift! I just love it!   -SEA
Balladeer
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since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


9 posted 06-01-2000 10:31 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Marilyn, these are the only changes I would make.....

Through all the times when tempers flare
Please know that I will always care


And only Death will make us part.


As all the years fly quickly by
And tarnished ring may catch your eye
The circle will unbroken be
Just like the vows that came from me.


Though tarnish taints the surface shine
------

I personally would not change anything else. You have done an excellent job.  
Jeffrey Carter
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 04-08-2000
Posts 2424
State of constant confusion!


10 posted 06-02-2000 12:47 PM       View Profile for Jeffrey Carter   Email Jeffrey Carter   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Jeffrey Carter

Marylin,

The only line I would change would be

'Til death, my love, do us part

otherwise I think it is perfect  

 All my love,
Jeffrey

I lie awake in a world filled with dreams,
but dreams can be so real when you don't know you're asleep

Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


11 posted 06-02-2000 01:21 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

Very beautiful, Marilyn! I like all the suggestions too! I'm sure whatever version you go with they will absolutely love it!

Denise
amazon_lover
Member
since 04-09-2000
Posts 491
Dublin,Ireland


12 posted 06-02-2000 02:03 PM       View Profile for amazon_lover   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for amazon_lover

Hi Marilyn
This is really beautiful one. These sentiments are lovely and your friend is very lucky to have a poem from you like this.

Sincerely
A_L
Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


13 posted 06-04-2000 09:06 AM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

I want to thank everyone for their help with this piece. You have no idea how much your help and encouragement means to me.  

I also wanted you all to know that the piece went over very well, better then I could have expected. I even made a contact at the wedding who thought I could be the next "Great Canadian Writer." I guess I will see where that goes, in time.

Thanks again for all of your support. ((hug))
 
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