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Passions in Poetry

Severn's challenge - response: The Sketch-maker

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Sudhir Iyer
Member Rara Avis
since 04-26-2000
Posts 7206
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium


0 posted 05-30-2000 10:55 AM       View Profile for Sudhir Iyer   Email Sudhir Iyer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Sudhir Iyer

Severn, I hope I do come up to your expectations while presenting this one for the challenge...

...Lets see how I fared...


The Sketch-maker
~--------------~

Looking at the still waters of the pond,
With fleeting memories held tight,
A contracted gloomy figure, in sight
Entertaining thoughts of a broken bond.

Severed from the body was the soul,
A distant shadow of a life, the figure once had,
Events of the past as dark as coal,
Appeared a reflection of a living dead.

Watched from a distant, an interested being,
With devotion of a pilgrim,
Stared at the face ever so grim,
Picturesque location intrigues his viewing.

~
~
~

The sketch-maker devoted a few lines,
Then went across to gloom's son,
"Man, is there something wrong?" asked the curious one,
"Well, friend, nothing's wrong that can be righted", said he
"These eyes hurt because of the bright sun"
"A few clouds won't cause the sun to run"
The pain felt said he, "was of love's death premature"
"Crucified for petty benefits, material gains"
"She wanted diamonds, ah, a simple feminine pleasure"
"This person couldn't spend none, caused all these pains"
"Grief-stricken from poverty, she felt left out, desolate",
"She left that house you see yonder, went on"
"To live with some one else rich and desperate"
"To this broken soul, all she said was 'move on!'"

~
~
~

Grief's child lent out a wail,
The sketch-maker, offered him a few words of solace,
Into the distance again he looked, a look so frail,
Curiosity absolved, interview done, felt a serious loss.

Sorrowful waters, the pond now in misery,
The brightness of the sun, now did hurt,
Millions of questions arose, a treachery,
Committed by one being to another, it really hurt.

Years went by, as the story itself did sadly repeat,
Pointing repeatedly - there's always more than meets the eye,
I heard, grief's child died a mournful death, his lost love he never did meet,
That day, gloom's son had his place filled up by the sketch-maker, I.


------ pretty sad, eh??? sniff, sniffy little I ------



 Hey you, out there in the cold,
Getting lonely, getting old, can you feel me?
Hey you, standing in the aisle,
With itchy feet and fading smile, can you feel me?
Hey you, don't help them to bury the light.
Don't give in without a fight.
Hey you, out there on your own,
Sitting naked by the phone, would you touch me?
Hey you, with your ear against the wall,
Waiting for someone to call out, would you touch me?
Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone?
Open your heart, I'm coming home....

by Roger Waters (Pink Floyd) - The Wall


[This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (edited 05-30-2000).]
© Copyright 2000 Sudhir Iyer - All Rights Reserved
brian madden
Member Elite
since 05-06-2000
Posts 4532
ireland


1 posted 05-30-2000 02:20 PM       View Profile for brian madden   Email brian madden   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for brian madden

WOW...WOW....WOW... Exquisite….amazing….Sudhir I bow before you of master of emotion. I have just read this twice and will read it again it is just I want to catch my breath.  

Severed from the body was the soul,
A distant shadow of a life, the figure once had,
Events of the past as dark as coal,
Appeared a reflection of a living dead.
I guess this would be my favourite stanza, image wise,
overall the poem was wonderfully dark and beautiful. Stunning my friend just stunning. May I print this off, I want to read this again when I do get my breath back.  

 ------------------------
"Here chewing your tail is joy"

Richey Edwards

"Take nothing but pictures. Leave nothing but footprints. Kill nothing but time".

Baltimore Grotto

"Will you accuse me as I hide Behind these layers of disguise And the mirrors of my own happiness.I've loved the freedom of being inside
Need a new start and a different time
Something grows in the space between me
And it's twisting and changing this fragile body" -Nicky Wire


Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


2 posted 05-30-2000 04:52 PM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW!!!!!!

Why yes..er..this passes my strict standards for approval...LOL - I LOVE this, Sudhir - this is, just, wow.

Dark, deep, inspiring...not sniffy little you - how about talented you?

I am SO bookmarking this to read again later when I have more time -  thankyou for taking up the challenge.

Kamla
Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 08-04-99
Posts 10270


3 posted 05-30-2000 05:31 PM       View Profile for Dark Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dark Angel

WOW Sudhir, this is excellent writing, loved this very much. you certainly have met your challenge brilliantly!!  

 Je t'aime plus qu'hier et moins que demain."
I love you more than yesterday and less than tomorrow
(unkown)


Rhavin
Junior Member
since 05-27-2000
Posts 28


4 posted 05-30-2000 05:38 PM       View Profile for Rhavin   Email Rhavin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Rhavin

Very nice!  I liked it a lot.  
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


5 posted 05-30-2000 05:40 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Sudhir, this is really very excellent and a more than  worthy response to the challenge.

It's enough to bring a tear to one's "I".  
Sudhir Iyer
Member Rara Avis
since 04-26-2000
Posts 7206
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium


6 posted 05-31-2000 10:59 AM       View Profile for Sudhir Iyer   Email Sudhir Iyer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sudhir Iyer

Brian,
master of emotion, eh? I thank you profusely...I am really glad that you read and liked this one so much. Of course, you may print this...Thanks again.

Kamla,
I am truly honoured at your lavish praises.
Thanks....

Dark Angel,
Thank you for reading adn posting this fabulous words of praise...

Rhavin,
Glad that you liked this one...

Balladeer Sir,
So grateful that you read this one and praised me to the skies...


Thanks once again,
Regards, sudhir.


 Hey you, out there in the cold,
Getting lonely, getting old, can you feel me?
Hey you, standing in the aisle,
With itchy feet and fading smile, can you feel me?
Hey you, don't help them to bury the light.
Don't give in without a fight.
Hey you, out there on your own,
Sitting naked by the phone, would you touch me?
Hey you, with your ear against the wall,
Waiting for someone to call out, would you touch me?
Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone?
Open your heart, I'm coming home....

by Roger Waters (Pink Floyd) - The Wall
Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


7 posted 05-31-2000 04:40 PM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

Grief's child lent out a wail,
The sketch-maker, offered him a few words of solace,
Into the distance again he looked, a look so frail,
Curiosity absolved, interview done, felt a serious loss.

Sorrowful waters, the pond now in misery,
The brightness of the sun, now did hurt,
Millions of questions arose, a treachery,
Committed by one being to another, it really hurt.

Years went by, as the story itself did sadly repeat,
Pointing repeatedly - there's always more than meets the eye,
I heard, grief's child died a mournful death, his lost love he never did meet,
That day, gloom's son had his place filled up by the sketch-maker, I.

----------------
AMAZING!!!!!
this is astonishing work here by you sir.
you went very deep for this one,
excellent Sud, truly.
take care,
jm

 There are places inside our souls ...
that have never been touched.
There are places inside our hearts ...
that need to be loved this much.
~Janet Marie~

"What the caterpillar calls the end ...
The world calls a butterfly"
~Lao Tze Tao~
~Butterflies are meant to be free~

Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 09-21-1999
Posts 28608
California


8 posted 05-31-2000 06:15 PM       View Profile for Martie   Email Martie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Martie's Home Page   View IP for Martie

I'm not sure what the challange was but this poem is great!  Powerful writing, Sudhur!
Sudhir Iyer
Member Rara Avis
since 04-26-2000
Posts 7206
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium


9 posted 06-05-2000 03:10 PM       View Profile for Sudhir Iyer   Email Sudhir Iyer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sudhir Iyer

Amazing, is it Janet, and astonishing too!
I am really thankful to you for being so supportive...

Martie, Thanks for reading. I tried to do my best with the 'not more than one instance of I and without me, myself and other forms' challenge from Kamla (severn)...

Thanks once again,
Sudhir
 
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