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Passions in Poetry

~*Unloved Senryu*~ (I Need Opinions)

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Honeybee
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since 12-26-1999
Posts 5512
Ontario, CANADA


0 posted 05-20-2000 11:00 PM       View Profile for Honeybee   Email Honeybee   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Honeybee


*Please tell me which one is better or which one you prefer, thanks  


~*UNLOVED SENRYU*~

5-7-5

1)  A lonely heart weeps
    no one listens to her plea
    alone, so unloved

2)  a lonely soul weeps
    only emptiness surrounds
    alone, so unloved

By Melissa Honeybee  


© Copyright 2000 Melissa P. Long-Monette - All Rights Reserved
Alwye
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since 06-16-99
Posts 3968
In the space between moments


1 posted 05-20-2000 11:08 PM       View Profile for Alwye   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alwye

Both of these evoke that feeling of despair that only the lonely know..but I personally enjoyed the second one better.  Both of them are extremely well done though!  

 *Krista Knutson*

~We are only truly lost when we have lost ourselves~
Sven
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since 11-23-1999
Posts 15611
Lansing, MI USA


2 posted 05-20-2000 11:28 PM       View Profile for Sven   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sven

Both are quite good indeed, but I have to agree with Alwye and say that the second one reads better. . .

Excellent...

-----------------------------------------------------------

 That which gives light must endure burning
--Victor Frankl

Marge Tindal
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since 11-06-1999
Posts 43042
Florida's Foreverly Shores


3 posted 05-21-2000 12:02 AM       View Profile for Marge Tindal   Email Marge Tindal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marge Tindal's Home Page   View IP for Marge Tindal

Melissa~

Both speak of sadness
Emitted on sorrow's sigh
Alone, she does cry

*Hon, the second is the better
of the two you wrote.
You touch my heart with your tears.
Please know that I'm here for you.
Love you~
~*Marge*~




 ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com

Denise
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since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


4 posted 05-21-2000 10:54 AM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

They are both wonderful, Melissa. I prefer the second as it seems to encompass any type of loneliness, not just 'no one listening'.

Denise
brian madden
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since 05-06-2000
Posts 4532
ireland


5 posted 05-21-2000 02:01 PM       View Profile for brian madden   Email brian madden   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for brian madden

Hi Melissa, well I have to agree with everyone that I prefer the second one,
both are powerful pieces filled with sadness.
Honeybee
Member Ascendant
since 12-26-1999
Posts 5512
Ontario, CANADA


6 posted 05-21-2000 05:18 PM       View Profile for Honeybee   Email Honeybee   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Honeybee



Thanks everyone for replying and helping me make my decision on which one to keep as the final senryu  

Take care,
Melissa Honeybee
Irish Rose
Member Patricius
since 04-06-2000
Posts 10553


7 posted 05-22-2000 06:23 AM       View Profile for Irish Rose   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Irish Rose

the second !!

 Kathleen
indy31_99@yahoo.com

JamesMichael
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since 11-16-1999
Posts 31622
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA


8 posted 05-22-2000 05:23 PM       View Profile for JamesMichael   Email JamesMichael   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for JamesMichael

Hey..I liked the first one...but I admit I know nothing about senyru's...I just like the way it sounds when you read it and the emotions it stirs up.   James
 
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